The Weekly Humorist Podcast

Metricksto the Magnificent “A sly card trick is all you need. Find the guy in the Don’t Tread on Me shirt who has been talking loudly throughout your performance. Have him pick a card from your deck, show it to the crowd, yada yada yada. Pull out your best shuffling and cutting techniques, then hold up one card where only he can see it and ask, ‘Is this your card?’ The crowd will assume his shocke...

Building on the worldwide acclaim of Season 1, Season 2 of The Goop Lab offers viewers six wonder-filled episodes of mind expanding joy. Episode 1: “Footsies”. Covers basic foot care, how to wear socks, heal scrubs, toe sucking and its relationship to aural energy, why athlete’s foot should not be considered an STI, itchy feet, and vaginal steaming. Special guest: a podiatrist who looks like Quent...

HAVE YOU NOTICED an influx of fashionistas in your neigh­borhood? These newcomers and their fabulous everyday infinity scarves are so intriguing that you’ve already snatched a few strang­ers from their research vessel. But even though you were raised by alligators or gestated in a nuclear cooling pool, you understand that these encounters have not been on point. Instead of making new friends in th...

Hollywood’s favorite bogeymen can’t be “on” 24/7; they expend a lot of energy during their yearly sprees, but need quite a bit of downtime in order to recharge. Yet at the same time, they so delight in wreaking havoc and savoring the terror of their victims, even during their off hours. So what’s their secret in achieving this necessary work-life balance? When he’s not stabbing and slashing in an...

From: samsag@gmail.com To: All staff Re: Personal developments Hey team, Greg here. Hope everyone’s enjoying their last few days of remote work. If you’re anything like me you’ve been getting in some last-minute binge-watching (how great is Martin Short in Only Murders in the Building?). Looking forward to seeing you all in person next week. Speaking of “in person,” there’s something I wanted to a...

Benefit Lumberjack Bugleditch Cumberbund Megabit Colormatch Bellyache Constipate Bedouin Stumbled Back Benadryl McCumber Act Credit Risk Bumper Car Billabong Summer Tan Byzantine Calcedoni Bass Player Mellencamp Butternut Squash Casserole Bona Fide Cougar Snatch Benedict Wrong

I’m glad to see you brave folks who aren’t afraid to go the unofficial route. We may not be the most “official” tour but we are the tour with the most pending lawsuits, and that’s after one lawsuit was dropped once we added the “Unofficial” to our name. On the Unofficial Hollywood Tour we are guided not only by a retired delivery man’s memory of how to get to Jim Carrey’s house, but we also lead b...

Dear Employee, You were probably too busy quietly crying in the bathroom because your boss embarrassed you in front of the entire team to google that Sunday, October 10th is World Mental Health Day. We, your company, are proud to announce that we will be giving you one paid work day off in honor of this important event. As an inclusive, progressive company that prides itself on putting the well-be...

Halloween Died Of Natural Causes- Halloween Kills hasn’t even been released yet, and already we have this next installment of the popular slasher series. Amazing! Halloween Died Of Natural Causes finds the evil and supernatural yet very elderly Michael Myers recuperating from his latest spree at the Haddonfield Senior Living Community. Down but not out, Michael continues his reign of terror by bor...

Computers Frog and Toad sat inside the house at their computers. “We have been sitting all day,” said Frog. “Yes,” said Toad. “We should go outside,” suggested Frog. “Absolutely,” agreed Toad. Frog and Toad sat at their computers. An hour passed. “We should go outside,” said Frog. “In a minute,” said Toad. The Lottery Toad scratched off a lottery ticket. “Frog, Frog!” cried Toad. Frog came running...

What kind of insurance does The General offer? We’ve been proudly offering automobile insurance to those in need for over 60 years. During that time, the name General has become synonymous with quality and care. To date, we’re serving 40+ states and growing each and every day. How long has The General Insurance been around? Just over 60 years! During that time we’ve been fortunate enough to be abl...

Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Student Debt The Gluten-Free Breakfast Club Little Etsy Shop of Horrors Look Who’s Talking To An Actual Human On The Phone Intermittent Fasting Times At Ridgemont High Honey, I Vaccinated The Kids The Neverending Facebook Story Beetlejuice Cleanse Working Without Health Benefits Girl Sustainably-Sourced Full Metal Jacket When Harry Joined Sally’s LinkedIn Network Ik...

Trump Was Allegedly Kept From ‘Brink of Rage’ by Song From ‘Cats’ Newsweek 9/28/21 I can’t BELIEVE that Kim Jong Un would be so mean to me on his stupid little state TV show. He dared to call me “an overstuffed basketball filled with the putrid remains–and estimated intelligence–of 200 rat carcasses.” What a LOSER! Especially after we had that perfect phone call last week where we bared our unendi...

[Header: Page 55] Drano is not allowed in your apartment in any capacity. My therapy practice resides in the basement of this historic brownstone and with the ongoing treatment of a patient who consumes drano on high alert, I must state this matter as cause for your concern. My research and most recently published article, “Too Far Gone, One Man’s Extremity with the Keto Diet,” is included as adde...

The office water cooler: a staple of the American workplace, a beacon of rest and rehydration, and the great equalizer of an often uneven corporate battleground. Its little gurgle noises can be heard periodically throughout any business day – a comforting yet mysterious reminder that some cliches are classic for a reason, and that, hey, there’s water if you need it. Few people know that those gurg...

Are you there God? It’s me, Sarah from pdfFiller. Yesterday, we moved from Microsoft OneDrive to Dropbox. I’ve never lived anywhere besides Microsoft OneDrive, unless you count the three months we spent on Amazon Drive. But that didn’t last very long. Mother, Jessica from pdfFiller, said it had something to do with all the PDFs being so overworked and underpaid they kept exporting themselves into...

Dear Mad Libs Word Givers & Receivers, At a recent garage sale, I stumbled upon a used copy of Wackadoodle Mad Libs, one of my proudest literary achievements. Naturally, I was eager to flip through this old classic and personally witness the innocent sparks of imagination that my prose had fostered. What I saw instead was alarming, and more specifically, disgusting. Nearly every word that had been...

A customer approaches. He brims with barely contained enthusiasm. Mr. Rourke and Tattoo both display pleasant smiles and confident posture. Mr. Rourke: Hello, and welcome to the Fantasy Island Frozen Yogurt Experience. How may we facilitate your yogurt fantasies today? Customer: Hmmm. so many choices! What do you recommend? Mr. Rourke: Here at The Fantasy Island Frozen Yogurt Experience, we are st...

Stop right there! I hear you opening yet another bag of cool ranch Doritos, and before you do, I have something to say. I need you to stop eating over me. Look, I get it. The last year and a half has been stressful on so many levels: COVID has ravaged the population, the planet is becoming more uninhabitable every day, and there was literally an attempted coup on our country’s government. But that...

Maintain eye contact for as long as is humanly possible. But don’t forget to blink!!! Just not too many times, or you’ll look like a love-struck cartoon character. Blink a normal amount. I don’t know. Every five seconds, maybe? Shit, did they just change the subject? Nod and smile. Whatever they’re saying, nod and smile. Make encouraging sounds like “Mmhmm” or “Uh-huh.” You’ll probably want to alt...

Test your TED Talk knowledge – Lasso and Nugent, that is! Which of these opposing caricatures of masculinity is responsible for which quote? The answers may surprise you! Or maybe they’re just two sides of the same toxic coin, who knows, shrug emoji A. “Taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse, isn’t it? If you’re comfortable while you’re doing it, you’re probably doing it wrong.” B. “I...

“Would you please designate a special section of your site to pot farmers only? Thanks! PS- If adequately buzzed, I put out on the first date!” “Do you have any guys on the site who don’t constantly chew tobacco? I’m really tired of my lady parts constantly smelling like a spittoon.” “It’s incredibly sexy that the men on this site work off of the land; there’s something very primal and beautiful a...

Step #1 – Read the instructions. Step #2 – Ask yourself why, in America, the instructions appear to be written in an Anglo-Frisian dialect from the 7th century AD. Step #3 – Look at the illustrations. Those have to be more helpful than the Old English of Step #2. Step #4 – Ask yourself why the illustrations appear to have been drawn by a blind 7-year-old? Step #5 – Use Google Translate in an attem...

Far be it for me to question a several thousand-year-old practice, currently lauded and revered by the masses, but every time I step onto my rubber mat and hear the words “now, close your eyes and focus on your breath” I feel as though I’m stuck in the middle of a modern-day version of the emperor’s new clothes. Before I incite the inevitable ire of lululemon’s limber Lycra-clad devotees, and like...

Sleep Stage 1: Reflection and Discomfort. This is a light sleep from which you are easily woken. In this stage, muscles slow, the brain produces Alpha and Theta waves, and regret is heightened. There is sand on your sheets and your mattress seems to be stuffed with raw potatoes. You should not have eaten that burrito mojado twenty minutes before bedtime. Your left foot itches. You have to blow you...