The Reconnection Club Podcast

Smart parents are keen not to waste time during estrangement from their adult child(ren). So they set about working on themselves in a good-faith effort to prepare for reconnection. If you have the time, energy and support for personal development, you're ahead of the pack. But what does "working on yourself" really mean? And who are you doing it for? And is "working on oneself" really the best ph...

Like every good driver, even good parents have blind spots. Sometimes the most well-meaning of efforts to parent better than they were parented can promote a disconnect between parents and their adult children. It's tragic that such good intentions can lead to such surprising and disappointing results, in many cases. In this two-episode series (listen to Part 1 here), Tina explains the idea of "do...

Like every good driver, even good parents have blind spots. Sometimes the most well-meaning of efforts to parent better than they were parented can gradually promote a disconnect that affects relations between parents and adult children. It's tragic that parents' good intentions can lead to such surprising and disappointing results, in many cases. In this two-episode series (Part 2 will be in Epis...

Once they realize the relationship is in trouble, many parents of estranged adult children are genuinely eager to make any necessary amends. Rejected parents who send apologies want their child(ren) to know they understand the issues that led to the cut-off, and that they're ready (or working toward readiness) for a new and better relationship. But even the sincerest apology is not always met with...

Some time ago, your adult child asked you to give him space. He became estranged. But now he's reached out to you. The door has been opened at last! You send your child an invitation, a photo, or a link. And... he's gone again. What happened? Why does an adult child reach out to her parents, only to disappear again? Ambivalence is common among estranged adults, and it's a setup for what Tina calls...

Vicious. Nasty. Controlling. Mean. How do you feel when you read those words? If you've been thinking about your estranged adult child(ren) in these terms, the language you're using may be affecting your ability to solve the problem of estrangement. Compare "My child is being cruel" with "I miss feeling close and connected." The first statement is stark. It invites a lack of trust, and a sense of...

If you've ever apologized to your estranged adult child and included the fact that you're not perfect, chances are you didn't tell them anything they didn't already know. If they're honest with themselves, estranged adult children also know that they're not perfect, either. Because no one is. "I'm not perfect" is a common refrain from those seeking forgiveness. But as apologies go, that phrase is....

Have you ever heard the following rules of thumb for parents of estranged adult children? "Always give your estranged adult child the last word when texting." "Never reach out to them if they've asked for no contact." "Don't send gifts." "You have to apologize if you want to reconcile." These rules of thumb get bandied about in conversations between unwillingly estranged parents. And instead of st...

Parents of adult children, whether estranged or not, sometimes (or often) bump into boundaries they didn't know were there. They might be asked to call before dropping in, to speak to their child's spouse a certain way, or to respect a grandchild's dietary restrictions, bedtime or other limits. Even when boundary lines are clearly drawn, they can still be a source of friction in the parent-adult c...

Parent-adult child estrangement is essentially a communication problem. Many unwillingly estranged parents are dismayed by what they view as a lack of communication skills in their adult children. "If only he'd tell me what's wrong," they lament. Or, "Why does she have to such awful language?" Fortunately, communication takes two. If you have any contact with your estranged adult child, you can co...

Family conflict is inherently dramatic. This is according to one dictionary that defines drama as "any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results, e.g. the drama of a murder trial." The dictionary might as well have used parent-adult child estrangement as an example of drama, since it entails the elements mentioned above. In this episode, Ti...

Part of the pain of being rejected by an adult child is knowing how much, and for how long, you sacrificed energy and time to parent her or him. You did as well as you could within the given circumstances. Why can't your adult child cut you some slack? Estrangement can uncover expectations of reciprocity from one's children. "I'm not asking for much," you might say; "I just want to know my child i...

Once they recover from the shock of realizing their adult children have become estranged, many parents are quick to apologize in order to make things right. While the desire to make amends usually comes from a good place, early apologies can miss the mark. Before you consider apologizing to an estranged adult child, first ask yourself whether an apology is necessary. In many cases, an apology woul...

You might be surprised when your adult child's reasons for estrangement seem to change over time, or depending on whom they're telling. But if you think it's because they weren't valid in the first place, this episode could change your mind and help you find a path forward together.

Raise your hand if you think your estranged adult child's spouse or partner is the main cause of the estrangement between you. If your hand is raised, you have lots of company. Parents who are unwillingly estranged from an adult child often worry that a son- or daughter-in-law has driven a wedge between them. They feel powerless in the face of that person's influence, and wonder if they'll ever be...

It's not pleasant, but it happens. Find out why, and how best to respond, in this episode. Show notes are at https://reconnectionclub.com/112

An episode for parents with trauma in their history, or any parent who identifies as feeling "broken." Show notes are at https://reconnectionclub.com/111

If only we always did what we know we should do, instead of what we somehow end up doing despite our better judgment. When it comes to reconnecting with estranged adult children, many parents have good information to go on, and even better intentions. They know what to do, whether it be listening more, reaching out less, or something else. But if you're like the rest of us, you don't always put wh...

Over two episodes, 108 and 109, Tina touches on six obstacles that challenge parents trying to reconnect with their estranged adult children: Confusion, comparison, defensiveness, paralysis, emotional reasoning, and fear. Part 1 (Episode 108) addressed the first three and Part 2 (this episode) the second three. Over and over, these six internal stumbling blocks keep parents from making progress. T...

Over two episodes, 108 and 109, Tina touches on six obstacles that challenge parents trying to reconnect with their estranged adult children: Confusion, comparison, defensiveness, paralysis, emotional reasoning, and fear. Part 1 (Episode 108) addresses the first three and Part 2 (Episode 109) the second three. Over and over, these six internal stumbling blocks keep parents from making progress. Ti...

Estrangement from your adult child(ren) presents a special sorrow during the holiday season. Part of the suffering is inevitable for parents; the loss of connection to one's own children hurts. But there's another aspect of estrangement that you can do something about today. And that is to reconnect with yourself, through the practice of staying present. In this grounding episode, Tina reminds us...

Sibling rivalry is an unfortunate fact of life in many families. It can contribute to estrangement from parents as well. There are two situations where this is especially true, which Tina addresses in this informative episode. One is when your estranged adult child accuses you of playing favorites, either in childhood or on a continuing basis, thereby promoting sibling rivalry. Another is when two...

To work your way back to a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship with your currently estranged adult child, there might be changes you wish to make. Something went wrong in the relationship you share. To repair your damaged bond, you may wish to show up in a different way for your adult child. Typical changes desired are for parents to listen more, criticize less, reduce or increase expectatio...

It can be nerve-wracking, launching a young adult. You're still a parent, but your child has reached the age of majority. Suddenly, your influence is legally nil. But your attachment is no less strong. How can you continue to help and support a young adult if they no longer seek your counsel? What can (or should) you do if you think they're making poor decisions? In this episode, Tina normalizes t...

If you don't know what to apologize for when it comes to your estranged adult child(ren), it may be that no apology is needed. But if you sense that an apology would be healing, then there's work to do. Knowing what to apologize for is the result of effort; you have to try to understand what happened in the relationship and why your child currently prefers distance. Tina suggests in this episode t...