The Reconnection Club Podcast

Estrangement from family, like everything else, takes place against the psychological backdrop of human development. Far from ending in adulthood, development continues throughout the lifespan, and offers hope for change in any given week, month or year of our lives. In this interesting episode, Tina takes listeners on a brief tour of the concept of lines of development (see links below for more)....

If your adult child is not responding to texts, emails or any attempts at contact, at some point you might begin to worry about the time that's passing during estrangement. This could happen for a couple of reasons… One frightening thought is that the longer adult child(ren) are estranged, the harder it will be to reconnect. That's an understandable fear, but it's not necessarily true. Worse, it o...

In this special two-part episode of the podcast, Tina reads a letter she received from an estranged adult child whose estrangement story began with childhood enmeshment. You'll learn about enmeshment's impacts on children, and why those impacts are sometimes invisible to even loving, conscientious parents. Listeners may gain clarity about their own situations through understanding that estrangemen...

On this special two-part episode of the podcast, Tina reads a letter she received from an estranged adult child whose estrangement story began with childhood enmeshment. You'll learn about enmeshment's impacts on children, and why those impacts are sometimes invisible to even loving, conscientious parents. Listeners may gain clarity about their own situations through understanding that estrangemen...

Parents of estranged adult children often carry unhealed emotional wounds from long ago. The pain of those wounds can be reactivated when adult children become estranged, especially if original injuries involved separation, loss, rejection or abandonment.  For those parents, the injury of unwanted estrangement brings back the pain of old trauma (with or without a capital T) that never had the chan...

Many parents exhaust themselves trying in vain to reconnect with their estranged adult child or children. While some keep struggling to come up with new things to try, others succumb to despair and begin to believe the situation is hopeless. In both cases, the question may arise: When is the right time to stop trying? This is one of the saddest questions for unwillingly estranged parents. But whet...

Breathe through your nose if you can. Make your exhale longer than your inhale. Slow down and deepen your breathing. All of those are simple, accessible ways to calm an upset nervous system. Controlled breathing is one of the oldest and most effective methods to combat stress over time. For parents unwillingly estranged from adult children and grandchildren, breathing can be a lifeline. In this in...

NOTE: In offering a list of stress-reduction practices, Tina refers to both the third and fourth items as "Number Three." Please don't be distracted by the misnumbering; there are five separate items in the list. Many parents of estranged adult children know the pain of a broken heart. But for some, Broken Heart Syndrome becomes a medical crisis. Also known as Takotsubo Syndrome or stress cardiomy...

It may feel wrong to use words like "strategy" and "tactics" when talking about personal relationships. But healing from family estrangement, especially for parents unwillingly estranged from their adult children, often requires strategic thinking. Tina points out that "strategy" is simply a word for having a plan. Tactics are the "how" of any strategy, including a strategy to reconnect with adult...

Some parents of estranged adult children may already be familiar with the serenity prayer, popularized by AA and other 12-step groups: "God, grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference." Knowing when to take action and when to stand down is helpful in gently moving an unwanted estrangement in the direction of hea...

As soon as they realize their adult child or children are estranged, most parents will try to reestablish a connection as quickly as possible. And while it's only natural to do so, racing to reconnect can lead to wasted time and energy — and sadly, needless extra suffering. In this short but vital episode, Tina explains why the process of genuine reconnection is more like an egg-and-spoon race tha...

If your adult child has stepped away from your relationship by deciding to become estranged, then in general, it's not a good idea to make requests of him or her. Instead, it may be best to view this time of estrangement as a request from your child, that you examine your relationship and try to understand their decision . That's often the beginning of reconnection. The "Go for a No" technique des...

The pain of estrangement from an adult child or children is, for many parents, excruciating. Some describe it as the worst they've ever felt. It's overwhelming, and feels unending. But to say that you're in pain is not the full story. It's just a disturbing headline with no further information. To deal with pain, we must know its name. What is your pain? Is it sadness? Grief? Dread? Is it resentme...

The pain of estrangement from an adult child or children is, for many parents, excruciating. Some describe it as the worst they've ever felt. It's overwhelming, and feels unending. But to say that you're in pain is not the full story. It's just a disturbing headline with no further information. To deal with pain, we must know its name. What is your pain? Is it sadness? Grief? Dread? Is it resentme...

If you're the parent of an estranged adult child (or any adult child) who identifies as transgender or gender non-conforming, you might be asked to refer to them with pronouns you're not used to. When your child was growing up, you called her "she" and "her." Now you're being asked to use "they" and "them," "he" and "him," "ze" and "hir," or other words you're not familiar with. This episode offer...

Parents of estranged adult children often worry that what's happening in their families may be part of a growing trend. On the one hand, it's soothing to know you're not alone when you're suffering. But on the other, fascination with "estrangement as a trend" is just one more way to take your eye off the ball when you're seeking to reconnect with your estranged adult child(ren). In this episode, T...

"Manipulative." It's an intimidating word, especially when other people apply it to us. What do they mean when they say we're being manipulative? Some parents of estranged adult children are well acquainted with the word and the concept of manipulation. Either they've been accused of being manipulative themselves, or they find their adult child(ren)'s behavior to be manipulative. But what is manip...

"Manipulative." It's an intimidating word, especially when other people apply it to us. What do they mean when they say we're being manipulative? Some parents of estranged adult children are well acquainted with the word and the concept of manipulation. Either they've been accused of being manipulative themselves, or they find their adult child(ren)'s behavior to be manipulative. But what is manip...

For parents unwillingly estranged from an adult child, it can seem as though forgiveness is the brass ring. If they can attain forgiveness, reconnection will be secured and the nightmare of unwanted estrangement will end. But is that true? In this interesting episode, Tina challenges the notion of adult children's unwillingness to forgive – likening forgiveness to an orchid that won't bloom. In ca...

The more parents learn about how to respond effectively to estrangement by adult children, the more they start to regret what they did (or didn't do) in the past. Regret is the price of change; when certain changes make sense, we almost always wish we'd made them sooner. But in this episode, Tina assures rejected parents that all is not lost if you feel you erred in responding to your estranged ad...

The people who most need self-care are the least likely to focus on it. So if the whole idea of self-care seems boring to you, you might want to force yourself to listen to this episode! It's stressful to be estranged from your own adult child or children. Maybe there are also grandchildren involved, adding another layer of suffering to the unwanted separation. The grief that comes along with miss...

If you get an opportunity for family therapy with your estranged adult child, there are things a parent needs to know. Family therapy is not mediation. Nor is it like marital or couples counseling. For it to be successful, family therapy with children of any age is something for which parents must be prepared. In this informative episode, Tina describes the challenges for parents in family therapy...

Parents may be overjoyed at the thought of reconnecting with their estranged adult children, but there's often a more complicated experience in store for them. Many parents describe a continuing feeling of walking on eggshells. They feel as though there's a constant danger of backward movement, so they find themselves checking in about absolutely everything. All the checking in, and the worry and...

Visiting websites where estranged adult children commiserate with each other... Worrying about influences beyond your control... Focusing exclusively on getting an emotionally distant adult child to communicate with you... These are a few ways parents waste precious time during unwanted estrangement from adult children. It's understandable to want the pain to end. But in trying to end it, parents...

Smart parents are keen not to waste time during estrangement from their adult child(ren). So they set about working on themselves in a good-faith effort to prepare for reconnection. If you have the time, energy and support for personal development, you're ahead of the pack. But what does "working on yourself" really mean? And who are you doing it for? And is "working on oneself" really the best ph...