The Reconnection Club Podcast

If you've received a letter from your estranged adult child, this week's episode of the Reconnection Club Podcast is a must-listen. Because however hopeless, hurt or angry you might feel when you read it, it could actually contain the blueprint for future reconciliation and peace. Many parents fail to decode the message that's usually there between the lines – the one about what went wrong in the...

Should parents apologize to adult children for mistakes they made in the past? What if those adult children aren't talking to them? What if the adult child hasn't asked for an apology? What if the parent doesn't know what to apologize for? It turns out that apologies from parents to adult children are a rather complicated affair. Somehow, parents have to figure this out for themselves. But don't w...

"Reversing an unwanted estrangement is, in a very particular way, exactly like swimming the English Channel." So begins this perspective-shifting episode in which Tina urges parents to prepare for reconnection the way swimmers prepare for a long-distance swim. Reaching out to your child, whether with an apology, a request for a talk, or an offer to go to therapy together, is like jumping into the...

How do you set boundaries with estranged adult children, without making them mad? That was the question Tina addressed on a group Q&A call back in 2019. And it's no less relevant today than it was at the time. In this episode, you'll hear the original recording in which Tina offers her thoughts on setting boundaries with an adult child who's using their parents' home when they're away. On the othe...

An unwanted estrangement from an adult child is a reason many parents seek some kind of counseling. Some go to therapy for the first time when their relationship with their adult child(ren) breaks down. Good therapy provides emotional support and often leads to insight. But truly successful therapy leads to profound and permanent changes through the process of healing. It's this healing that adds...

Should you always obey a no-contact request from your estranged adult child(ren)? The short answer is yes. But short answers aren't always right for every situation. Each estrangement is unique. On the face of it, the question of whether to obey a no-contact request is a tactical one. But tactics rely on strategy. And when it comes to an unwanted estrangement, strategy usually means genuine psycho...

Why did your estranged adult child tell someone you were toxic, yet send a nice card for your birthday? Why do they keeping saying they need space, yet respond to everything you send with a heart emoji? Or, Why don't they ever respond, when they said it was okay for you to contact them? Questions like those leave unwillingly estranged parents feeling confused, hurt and frustrated. Why can't estran...

Is it wrong for parents to hope their adult children might show a little care, interest or concern for them? Is it really asking too much of adult children to simply ask, "How are you, Dad (or Mom)?" That was the question Tina addressed on a group Q&A call back in 2019. And it's no less relevant today than it was at the time. In this episode, you'll hear the original recording in which Tina reads...

Is your estranged adult child a narcissist? Probably not. But they might still exhibit some narcissistic traits – just like the rest of us. In the interest of bringing compassion and understanding to the highly emotional topic of estrangement, Tina outlines the difference in this episode between "normal" narcissism and the clinical version, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  Other explanati...

Emotional pain is part of the human condition. And it's almost a guarantee for parents whose adult children aren't speaking to them. Unwanted estrangement is one of the most painful things that can happen to a parent. How do you manage your emotions when your own child won't talk to you? It might seem like you have to wait for them to come around before you can find some relief from the anguish of...

There are many times during an estrangement from your adult child(ren) when you just don't know what to do. Sometimes there's a situation that seems to call for a decision – such as when a family member falls ill or passes away. Other times it's a growing sense of frustration or despair that pushes for action. But because there's no generic blueprint for parent-adult child estrangement, the questi...

Life is full of paradoxes. For example... The busier we are, the more easily we can handle an extra task. The more we demand respect, the less respect we seem to get.  The more love we give, the more we have left in our hearts. And while everyone has to deal with paradoxes in life, parents of estranged adult children live with specific contradictory truths that often frustrate their attempts to re...

Life is full of paradoxes… The busier we are, the more easily we can handle an extra task.  The more we demand respect, the less respect we seem to get.  The more love we give, the more we have left in our hearts. And while everyone has to deal with paradoxes in life, parents of estranged adult children live with specific contradictory truths that often frustrate their attempts to reconcile. Learn...

Safety can be physical – such as being safe inside during a storm – or emotional. In this important episode, Tina explains why "emotional safety" is more than a buzzword, and why unwillingly estranged parents benefit from understanding and embracing the concept. Emotional safety is important in close relationships. But for parents living without sufficient emotional safety themselves, creating saf...

Why is it so hard to be consistent in how you think or feel during estrangement from your adult child(ren)? Why does your heart sometimes ache for your adult child, and other times feel only frustrated and hurt? For some parents, there's a quiet but persistent inner conflict between personal growth and repairing an estranged relationship. Those parents face an impossible choice: Should they be tru...

Following on from RC Podcast Episode 160 (see episode links below), Tina tackles two more cognitive distortions, or mental mistakes, that can make an unwanted estrangement feel even worse than it already does. In this equally eye-opening episode, Tina offers multiple examples of overgeneralizing and catastrophizing in the context of estrangement from adult children. She explains how parents' perso...

For millions of people around the world who celebrate Christmas* – including parents unwillingly estranged from their own adult children and grandchildren – "the most wonderful time of the year" can also be one of the least wonderful times. In this special Christmas episode for parents of estranged adult children, Tina normalizes emotional pain during what is supposed to be the season of good chee...

Parents of estranged adult children may feel – and believe – that estrangement is an emergency requiring immediate action on their part. It's as though they stand to lose their adult child(ren) forever if they don't do something about it right now. No wonder it feels like an emergency! And if those parents don't know what to do, or if everything they do seems to make matters worse, they can fall i...

These things are true about estrangement support on the internet: 1. Many estranged adult children's forums contain mean-spirited remarks about rejected parents. 2. Many rejected parents' forums contain mean-spirited remarks about estranged adult children. 3. Mean-spirited remarks don't heal the pain of estrangement on either side. True support, in the form of validation of emotion and compassiona...

When your own adult child cuts you off, it can be deeply hurtful. And part of the reason for that pain is what it feels like their estrangement means . Many rejected parents believe it's their personal flaws that prompted their adult children to create distance. They think that because they'll never be perfect, there's nothing they can do to repair the relationship. But estranged adult children do...

It's common for parents to believe that the "punishment" of estrangement is supposed to fit the "crime" – whatever it may be – to which their adult child is holding them accountable by keeping their distance. This idea that the length or perceived severity of estrangement correlates exclusively to an injury or injuries suffered by the adult child in childhood is, in most cases, a myth. Trying to m...

What are parents supposed to do when estranged adult children leave their belongings at home? That's a tricky question. There isn't just one right answer that will fit for every family. When you're storing the belongings of someone who's not talking to you, you're in a difficult position – both logistically and emotionally. How do you decide what to do that won't harm the relationship, when you ha...

Estrangement from family is a kind of ambiguous loss. But some of the losses that are often associated with estrangement are definitive. They can be grieved. For parents who are unwillingly estranged from their adult children, there are at least five potential, definitive losses they might sustain during estrangement. Tina walks listeners through them in this important episode, and encourages you...

Some parents of estranged adult children beat themselves up for parenting "mistakes" they couldn't possibly have avoided. Others blame their children for being difficult, ungrateful or too sensitive. What's missing from these simplistic assignments of blame for estrangement? Context. According to Tina, context is very often overlooked to the detriment of both parents and children. In this episode,...

Some parents experiencing estrangement from their adult children have known estrangement before. Not necessarily from other people, but within themselves. Self-alienation is a kind of internal estrangement that has become almost normal in our culture. With so much information available and so much to do, we're not always fully present. We lose touch with ourselves over time, often without realizin...