The Quiet Midlife: a podcast for men over 40

You're in your 40s or 50s or older. You've just become a father, or you're well on your way to it. You're doing all this at an age when most of your colleagues are becoming grandparents. Is this a big mistake? Actually, no. There are clear advantages to becoming an older father, but only if you know how to embrace them.

In this episode, I'm talking about sex and intimacy in long-term relationships. My approach will be the same as I try to approach everything on this podcast, which is, honestly, without false reassurance, and without the alarming tone that some accounts of this subject seem to feel is appropriate.

Today’s topic is death. Not in a gloomy or morbid sense—if that distinction makes any sense—but because there’s something genuinely fascinating about it. In my experience, the men who have seriously confronted the reality of their own mortality, who have sat with that question and examined it honestly, tend to live differently from those who haven’t. More often than not, that difference is for the...

The brain surgeon who goes straight to his workshop after a day rummaging inside someone's skull. The train driver who comes home and continues building his model railway. The man who buys a clapped-out Vespa scooter with the single-minded objective of getting it back on the road. What have they got in common? And why do they have a psychological edge over the men who don't?

Although this episode is directed towards late-onset epilepsy in men, something I deal with daily, the content could just as easily apply to any sudden life-changing event that comes out of the blue later in life.  

Some wake up to the sound of an alarm clock, immediately check their emails, and spend the day worrying about cholesterol, stress levels, and whether they're getting enough exercise. And then some own a dog. Whether you like it or not, a dog doesn't care about your inbox. A dog doesn't care about your deadlines. A dog has one mission: to drag you out of the house, get you moving, introduce you to...

There are some people who can talk endlessly about their feelings.  And then there are the rest of us. You know the type. Ask them how they're feeling, and they'll stare into the middle distance for a moment before replying, 'Hungry.' Which brings us to today's subject: alexithymia. It's something that's not a disease, a personality flaw, or a Greek island. It is, however, surprisingly common. So...

Testosterone is the explanation of choice for a remarkable range of male behaviours, including wars, risk-taking, the gender pay gap, questionable haircuts and overpowered cars. It has also become the explanation of choice for a remarkable range of male symptoms in midlife —  like fatigue, low mood,  reduced drive —  and an entire industry has grown up around these explanations with considerable c...

Your brain is one of the most sophisticated pieces of equipment in the known universe. It is also, when it comes to interpreting your own life, regularly and systematically wrong. Why are men so prone to misinterpreting things? This podcast will shed some light on the processes involved.

This episode is the series one finale. So far, there have been thirteen episodes.  Thirteen conversations about what it means to be a man in the second half of life. I’ve touched on Depression.  Loneliness.  Sleep.  Grief.  Alcohol.  Shame.  The body.  The mind.  Relationships and Work.  But as this is the last episode of series one.  And I want to use it a little differently.

The work of addressing shame is not about becoming someone different. It’s the work of becoming more accurate about yourself, what you are responsible for, and about the distance between the performance of invulnerability and the reality of just being a person.   

In this episode, I’m talking about the mind-body connection —  the relationship between psychological health and physical health that most men treat as two separate concerns managed by two separate departments with different managers and different filing systems.

Alcohol,  in the right context,  is one of life's genuine pleasures, and the research seems to support this.  In the wrong context, at the wrong frequency, performing the wrong function is something rather different. And the middle-aged male body is considerably less tolerant of that version than it used to be.

In this episode, I’ll be addressing something that sits at the intersection of psychology and public health. The topic is why so many men ignore physical symptoms, the mechanism behind it, and its costs.

Most men,  when they lose someone,  don't grieve in the way they perhaps expected to. They don't fall apart. They don't sob at the funeral. They often just go back to work. But it doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving. In this episode, I'm exploring grief. Not the textbook version that neatly progresses toward acceptance —  but what grief looks like when it happens to a man.

There will come a time, somewhere between your 40s and 60s, that a creeping suspicion sets in. You’ll notice it in strange ways. You start making noises in chairs. You develop strong opinions about lawn feed. You wake up feeling injured with no known cause. And somewhere a thought arrives - Is this it, then?

At the end of the last episode, I said that if you've been tired for longer than seems reasonable, this episode is for you. Most men who are sleeping badly think they have a sleep problem. What many of them actually have is a health problem that is expressing itself through sleep.  And the difference matters considerably.

At the end of the last episode, I said the numbers on male loneliness were not comfortable, and I meant it. Loneliness increases the risk of premature death by 26 per cent.  Cardiovascular disease by 29 per cent and dementia by 50 per cent. Time to take a look at what’s going on.

At the end of the last episode, I described depression in men as looking like irritability and withdrawal, working too hard and a glass too many in the evening. If that description landed somewhere  — if something in it felt familiar —  this episode is for you.

Most men put more research into buying a car than into understanding what makes a relationship last. This is probably not unrelated to the divorce statistics. But the research on what actually works turns out to be considerably more useful than anything in a car brochure.

At some point in your 40s or 50s, you walk into a room and can't remember why you're there. You assume the worst. / But what if the story your brain is telling you about getting older / is wrong in almost every direction that matters?

Your brain is producing emotions right now. Fear, loneliness, shame, tenderness — the full range. The question isn't whether men feel them. The question is what happens next. And that's where things get interesting.