The Potential State Podcast

Most of us get flooded and run away from heated conflicts in our intimate relationships: we hang up the phone, slam the door, take a walk. While this can sometimes help you regulate, many times this actually increases the rupture and prevents repair and play. In this talk I advocate while often it's time "to go back into the ring" of your relationship in order to grow. Examples are...

We're all complicated people living in a complex time. But this ambiguity prevents relationships from growing. Simple "caveman" communication together with natural consequences, albeit risky, can actually push your relationship to the next level. In this talk, I explain how Caveman Consequences can help with examples from the clinic and my life with my classic wife Galit Romanelli....

We all have our default part, trait, or behavior we bring first in intimate relationships. This is what I call our Relational Business Card. We've developed it since we were children and perfected it over time. Yet these business cards can sometimes limit our relational repertoire and the people we attract into our lives. In this talk, I describe the concept of Relational Business Cards and h...

Do you (or your loved ones) have to be in control all the time? If so, then you are paying a heavy personal and relational price. In this talk I share how and why do people have to control everything in their life and the price they pay for that. I will share some examples from the clinic and my life. Examples are given as well as tips on how to release some control in your relationships. Link to...

You want your partner to celebrate you. Yet you don’t want to ask them, because you want it to come from them . You’ve tried everything: waiting, hinting, expecting, demanding, even asking. But that usually leads to a lose-lose situation: either they do it because you pressured them, or they don’t do it at all if you don’t ask. So what can you do?  In this talk, I explain how to get unsolicited ce...

We all prefer to leave things open and not commit. That way we postpone conflict, intimacy and maintain control. But this vagueness creates personal and relational problems and tensions. The Solution: being explicitly uncomfortable. In this talk I explain why we keep it vague and how can we dare to become more uncomfortably explicit. Examples are included from the clinic and my life. Tips are give...

As kids there were no mistakes. Through the years we become scared of making mistakes and failing. That leads to issues of control, perfectionism and anxiety. Yet the truth is that there are no mistakes!   In this talk I'll share creative attitudes towards mistakes from the world of theater improvisation, NLP and psychotherapy to show a new way to look at mistakes. Examples will be given from...

Life is serious. Relationships are difficult. You need a place to verbalize all the crazy that you are feeling and thinking in a way that will be generative and fun. In this talk, I explain how to do it with examples from the clinic, workshops and my marriage with the ever-playful Galit Romanelli​. Recorded live on FB. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships https://...

Most of us deflect and stonewall ourselves from our partner's constructive feedback or pain. Over time such defensiveness can hurt your relationship. The solution? LET IT LAND. Also called Accepting influence. In this talk, I explain how to let your partner's positions affect you in order to enrich your relationship. Examples are given from the clinic and my life with Galit Romanelli, as...

What do you do when you arrive at your hotel and EVERYTHING SUCKS? How do you not let reality ruin your (and your kids) experience? Join Galit and Assael as they demonstrate how to use Play to save your disaster vacations. Link to the original episode of Play as the lube of life: http://podcast.potentialstate.com/244426/1910906-play-is-the-lube-of-life-on-vacation The clip from Inside Out "Th...

We all test our partners, hoping they will either pass and validate our choice, and/or fail and help us feel better with ourselves. Whatever the test is, the secret is to admit it playfully so the test can help you actually increase intimacy and vulnerability. In this talk I explain and give examples on how to use tests to graduate to the next level of your relationship. Recorded live on FB. www.p...

Most of us have a problem with our physical size (weight, height, look, features). We usually overcompensate by belittling ourselves or being condescending. Not owning our size, actually stops our PERSONAL growth. In this talk I explain how to own your size, through examples from the clinic and real life. Recorded live on FB. www.potentialstate.com https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-oth...

Not knowing how to change is a great defense mechanism that not only protects you but in the long run can hurt your self-esteem as well as your relationship. In this talk I explain why and how not knowing hurts you and your loved ones. Examples and tips are given on how to start knowing and daring to share your (not) wanting. Recorded live on FB. www.potentialstate.com https://www.psychologytoday....

We all have three brains that allow us to be rational, sensitive human beings.   But under stress or conflict we lose one of the brains and regress to early Homo Sapiens defense survival mechanisms. In this talk I explain why and how this survival mindstate unfolds and its impact on your relationships. Examples are given from the clinic and parenting. I also share how you can utilize your whole br...

Most of us live rather grey lives, without too much excitement.  The routine of life is hard sometimes. We wonder if our life could be more exciting, like the ones we see in the movies. But we can all access the rock star life! Come learn why you should live it, how you can achieve it through examples from workshops and my family. Practical tips will help you rock on today! Recorded live on FB. ww...

Life is Hard. It's like a long game full of rules and regulation that you need to follow in order to "win". Play can help it be much more easy and fun. Come see how and why LUBE IS THE LUBE OF LIFE through examples from coffee shops, the clinic, my marriage, parenting and more. Practical tips on how to lubricate the game of life are given. Recorded live on FB. www.potentialstate.com...

Do you or your loved ones speak in past tense (I realized, I though, I discovered, I reflected...)?  If so, that type of communication is often a defense mechanism that keeps you safe and less vulnerable, but also kills the possibility of synergistic, co-created relationships. In this talk I explain why people do this and the impact it has on intimacy and communication. Examples from the clinic an...

Does your partner disappoint you by not celebrating your achievements? Do they sometimes even discourage, mock or belittle your personal or professional growth?  If so, then no need to be insulted, surprised or disappointed.   The solution is simple:  STOP WAITING FOR THEIR APPROVAL! For most partners, they resist your growth because they are part of your system. In this talk I explain why the peo...

"For he who holds a hammer, the whole world is a nail." (Maslow) We all have core beliefs about ourselves and the world (for example: I'm damaged good, the world is dangerous place, kids are a burden, anger is bad). They all originally served and protected us. Over the years, some might have become limiting and constraining through the years. In this talk I describe how these core b...

Do you (or your loved one) often flood the conversation with strong feelings, traumas or dramas? If so, that is called Spewing and although it has gains, it is actually detrimental to your relationship. In this talk, I explain why it is better to open a shutter instead of spewing. Examples from the clinic and teaching illuminate the negative effects of spewing. Practical tips on the art of sharing...

You shadow (the parts of you that you hide) is always bigger than you are. This shadow points to your next growth, inviting you to own your shit and be bigger.  If you run away, deny or dissociate from it - the shadow will just get bigger. The best way to work with your shadow is to face it and lean into it - resulting in your true light shining brighter than every. Come see this concept in a simp...

Do you keep expecting your loved ones to do or say things and they keep disappointing you? That is probably because you are at the earlier stages of the wanting spiral: Wanting, Expecting, Demanding, Asking, Wishing, Baring. Come hear how to move upward in the wanting spiral in order to feel more understood, loved and differentiated. Examples are given from the clinic and my life about the differe...

We all want to protect ourselves and our relationships, so we tend to keep things vague by over-verbalizing (and not conveying a clear stand) or not communicating at all. This leads to mind reading, reactive, symbiotic dynamic that is a huge WASTE TO TIME AND ENERGY. The solution? TALK IN NUMBERS. This talk explores why people purposely keep their opinions and feelings vague in their intimate rela...

Do you or your loved ones tend to be Surprised, Insulted or Disappointed when you two encounter heat, tension, constructive feedback or conflict? If so, then you are experiencing The Holy Trinity of Blocking: Surprise, Insult and Disappointment. In this talk I describe why people choose these reactions, what they gain and lose from these behaviors and how this trinity can be avoided. Examples from...

We all love the G.S.D. (Get Sh!t Done) people at work. You might even be that person. And yet many times we are not the G.S.D. person and resist telling our partners "I got it.". Why? In this talk I'll describe the different reasons we resist managing projects or aspects of our personal relationships and the prices we pay for it. Examples are given from my life and the clinic. As us...