The Potential State Podcast

We don't want to show our faults and shadows. We fear that people will hurt, reject, or leave us if they see how "pathetic" we are. Therefore we create environments where you have to bring your "best self", which lead to self-presentation and shallowness. The result is atmospheres lack vitality, play, or growth. In this talk I explain why creating spaces where faults are w...

You're a good person. You try not to judge people by their race, religion, sexual orientation, or other criteria. But oftentimes trying to avoid judgment also means avoiding distinction. Distinction is crucial for your ability to understand and be empathetic to the other. Avoiding distinction actually hurts your intimate relationships and lowers your ability to be empathetic to others. In thi...

Many of us have a core belief that "your pain=my fault or responsibility". Over time this creates another core beilef that "my partner's wishes are my obligation." Soon after, both partners avoid sharing their wishes and start egg-shelling around their partner. This dynamic leads to a loss of play, potential state and a "playground" for you to hear yourself proce...

Your brain is built to protect you from pain and danger, which is wonderful. But personal and relational growth demand you let new information "in". Since "there is no comfort in the growth zone", you must learn how to open your mind and let new information in. In this talk, I describe how to fire the brain from being the body guard so you can discover new blindspots and grow....

The time has come to finally dedicate an episode to the concept of OWNURSH!T© (Yes, the term is copyrighted). If you really want to change your life, you must begin with owning up to all the unwanted, denied or dissociated parts of yourself (your shadow or sh!t). Ownursh!t© is the complete ownership of your shadow parts to yourself and your partner. In this episode I describe why the act of Ownurs...

Do you have a dynamic in your relationship where one partner always forgets (for different reasons) and the other always remembers and has to remind their partner what happened? If so, this dynamic prevents the couple from becoming more intimate and equal. In this episode I share why some partners cleave to the "forgetting" business card and the price both partner pay in this rigid, dich...

What is love? This is my current definition of love: "Love it the positive freedom to bring my different self-states, within the creative limitations of an intimated, committed, long-term relationship." In this talk, I explain this definition of love and how it can help you create relationships where you are free to be yourself, while growing and being open to your partner. Examples are...

We all have some relationship to our feelings. We might be dissociated from them, fear them, be controlled by them and more. Yet feelings are what make us human and if we can learn to not act on them but rather to surrender to them, we'll be able to feel fully alive. In this talk I explain how surrendering to your feelings can help enrich your life. Examples are given from the couple therapy...

We all want to be free to be ourselves in the world and in our relationships. Yet without blocking our exists, we will ultimately repeat the same behaviors and facades (relational business cards) that we usually use. This "negative" freedom actually prevents us from maturing and expanding our relational repertoire. In this talk, I explain the concepts of positive and negative freedoms an...

In these isolated, lockdown times, it becomes really hard for us to hear and fulfil our partner's wants from us. One listner asked us what can she do if her partner refuses to cooperate with her want? In this episode Galit Romanelli and I share the theory of The Wanting Spiral, through an example from our marriage. This model helps you distinguish between your external behaviroal want of your...

All of us need pockets of Mastery, or what we call "rock star" moments, in order to give us energy, vitality and strength for the rest of the week.  In the lockdown of Corona feeling such mastery is more challenging.  In this video Galit and I explain the importance of finding mastery for yourself, celebrating mastery for your partner, normalizing non-mastery and leveraging the Corona re...

Most of us don't know how to approach conflict - we either avoid it or explode in it. In this talk, I share what I've learned about conflict managment and how you can learn to better manifest the conflicts in your life for personal and relational growth. Examples are given from my couple therapy clinic and my personal life. Practical tips are given to help you learn to use conflict for g...

In times of fear, uncertainty and pandemic, most couples are at risk for more conflict, trauam and pain. Couples that are isolated at home with young children are even more at risk for anger, burnout, despair and agression. It is especially important in times like these for couples to cleave to 2 essential abilities: 1. Play. 2. Ownursh!t - full personal responsibility of one's shadow parts a...

Sometimes we get FOMO or stuck when faced with a dilemma. Yet there is a huge growth opportunity under every dilemma. In this talk, I describe what question lies underneath every dilemma and how you can use it to manifest growth in your life. Examples are given from the clinic and my personal life. www.potentialstate.com https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships http:/...

In this special talk for International Women's Day, Galit Romanelli explains why it is crucial for women to reclaim their voices and for men to "lean out" to give women the space they need.  #reclaim www.mothermilk.org  www.potentialstate.com Support the show

We tend to expect others to be our best lovers. This is a result of our upbringing and a lack of open communication about sensuality and sexuality. In this talk I propose that you aspire to be your own best lover of all time. You first need to learn about your own enjoyment and how to please yourself. Then share that knowledge with your partner. In this talk explain this concept through examples f...

Some of us tend to protect ourselves with cynicism and sarcasm.  While these two behaviors seem "funny" and "harmless", they actually hurt relationship and can confuse your children.  In this talk I explain why people hide behind these behaviors, what is gained and the prices paid. Examples are given from the clinic and my life.  Practical tips will help you dare to be more vul...

Finally a "real" couple talking about "real issues" without editing. Join Galit and Assael As they discuss openly the concept of taking responsibility ("I got it") in intimate, committed relationships. Discussing concepts from the world of psychotherapy, NLP, improvisation, communication, systems thinking, and gender, they examine and discuss this idea of "I got...

As mortals, we fear death so we lie to ourselves and see the world as the same: Every day is like the previous day, and our work, family and kids are just the same as yesterday. But the truth is: We're always one step behind life! Every day is actually a brand new experience, filled with new interactions and possibilities. We can either ignore this truth or we can open ourselves up to the exc...

We tend to argue with our partner "what really happened". Many hours are spent fighting over who said what, who was first, what actually happened. But the truth is: "Who Cares?" Unless you're a judge or a police officer, the facts don't matter in intimate relationships. In this talk, I explain why the subjective experience of partners is much more important than the o...

We all make compromises in our relationships. But if you tend to feel resentment, bitterness or self-pity - you are essentially casting your partner as the cause of your pain. This could lead to a problematic victim triangle dynamic. In this talk, I explain why resentment is the poison of relationships through examples from the clinic and my personal life. Practical tips will help you admit and mo...

Men and Women see the world differently. They also communicate differently. Whether it is due to nature or nurture, there is a big difference in the style and goal of their communication. This difference causes many misunderstandings, ruptures, and conflict. With some awareness and flexibility, you can learn to communicate better with women and men. In this talk, I explore different theories on ge...

Most of us don't take care of ourselves enough. We try to prioritize self-care, yet often it doesn't work. Why? Because self-care is RELATIONAL when you're in an intimate relationship. "Taking" self-care is essentially "giving" by your partner, who often will resist these changes. In this talk, I explain why self-care is relational through personal and profession...

Parenting is hard. Co-parenting is even harder. Most parents find themselves in dichotomous roles: 1. The Upstairs Parent - is less hands on, more focused on themselves or work, more fun and flexible and less responsible for the day-to-day parenting. 2. The Downstairs Parent - is the one running the daily child-rearing logistics, mostly alone and by themselves. In this talk I explore the gains and...

Stories shape the way we experience our life and reality. We tell and listen to stories all day. But are we really hearing the deep truth in those stories? In this talk, I share a simple terminology that will help you hear the deep truth, the archetypal, universal themes that connect us all. Hearing this primal truth will help you better connect and empathize with the people in your life. Examples...