The Potential State Podcast

Every couple has implicit power struggles in the different areas of their relationship (sex, money, parenting, looks, intelligence, and so on...). We call this the 95/70 rule. It has been our experience that this dynamic is inherently present and shapes the couples' mutual functioning. One of the ways we have been renegotiating our  95/70 contract in the past year, is by having Galit join Ass...

Many of us insist that feedback be precise or else they won't consider it. Yet often this precision serves more as a block, a defense mechanism that prevents our growth. In this talk, I share how people use precision as a sophisticated defense mechanism to keep them safe and prevent pain. Through examples from the clinic, I show the losses of this mechanism and how to allow yourself to "...

Often times, we (especially men) prefer to solve our partner's problems instead of actually letting their feelings or pain into our awareness. This often leads to a "report talk" dynamic where intimacy is low and partners avoid leaning on each other. In this talk, Galit and I unpack why do we prefer to solve our partner's problems and how to stop that habit through examples fro...

Most couples avoid certain unavoidable Topics or decisions. In couples therapy, we call it crucibles, T-junctions, gridlock, 70% unsolvable issues, and more. Yet by avoiding these 'hot' issues, we are stunting our own growth. In this talk, Galit and I offer a fresh view on these lose-lose dilemmas and offer practical advice on how to lean into them in order to grow. Examples are given fr...

Are you (or your partner) one of those people who constantly apologize for everything, even for things that no apology is needed (for example, sorry I didn't pick up the paper you dropped)? If so, this is not only a disempowered, defeated stance but also a subconscious passive-aggressive manipulative move. Yes, over apologizing has a "shadow" side. In this talk, Galit and I unpack t...

We've all been in this scenario: Your partner asks or remarks to you on something that you don't want to do.  Since we're scared of disappointing them and want to avoid a fight,  we "smokescreen" our truth and placate them. This often leads to heaviness, lack of play, mind reading, and tension. The solution?  “IT'S THAT IMPORTANT TO ME.” In this talk, Galit and I unpa...

How many of you have heard and internalized the feedback that you're "too much"? If so, how has that impacted your life? Every day we work with women (and sometimes men) who have internalized this limiting belief and its negative impact on their lives. In this talk, Galit and I breakdown the gains and losses of this core belief, through examples from Galit's life and the clinic...

So often couples engage in an unconscious competition who is suffering more in the relationship. This dynamic results in more arguments, less vulnerability, and even a breakup. In this talk, Galit and  I describe this dynamic, the reasons behind it, and the damage it creates. Examples are given from our marriage and the clinic. Practical tips will help you soften this dynamic in your own relations...

Why is it that when our partner tries to change their behavior, we so often shoot it down, claiming its "fake"? Because often we have this dichotomous thinking (Eithor) that if our partner doesn't do it naturally then they're faking it. But every new behavior will feel somewhat fake because if it was natural for us, we would've done it already! What is the solution? To sof...

We all have tense periods where we tend to interpret anything and everything our partner says or does as negative, insulting, hurtful, or aggressive. The Gottman researchers call this dynamic N.S.O - negative sentiment override. This lethal dynamic has a snowball effect that is hard to stop, and can lead to deep resentment and breakup. In this talk, Galit and I explain the reasons and dynamic of N...

Dating today is not easy. Singles are getting tired and confused as to how to date in the 21st century, COVID, apps-filled era. Yet we believe the dating scene should be approached from a completely different angle: instead of going on dates, choose to see them as PLAY DATES, where your goal is to be yourself and fun. In this talk, Galit and I offer our top ten (somewhat surprising) practical dati...

The media puts a lot of pressure on us to have wonderful, multi-orgasm, wall-socket sex. But in reality, in a committed long-term relationship, mediocre (maintenance) sex is inevitable. This causes many couples (especially men) to avoid sex and even doubt their relationship. In this talk, Galit and I unpack the truth about maintenance sex and share why it is crucial for happy relationships. Practi...

Do you feel like you are more emotionally intelligent and somewhat superior in your intimacy skills than your partner? Do you feel like your partner is nagging you and never happy with the level of communication and feelings you express? If you answered yes, then you might be in the Intimacy Queen/King and Emotionally Disabled dynamic. This dynamic hides the fact that BOTH of you are essentially a...

For many of us yelling is a sensitive issue. We inherit from our families of origin certain beliefs and attitudes about yelling. Yet sometimes, yelling is a sublimatory expression of feelings, frustrations, or even excitement. What is the difference then? How can we distinguish and work with yelling? In this talk, Galit and I unpack this topic through examples from our marriage and the clinic. Pra...

We say sorry all the time (or not enough) in our intimate relationships. But often we confuse between the different types of 'sorry' we use. This often leads to more conflict and stress than forgiveness and closeness. In this talk, Galit and I share the four types of Sorry we've distilled in our life together, using examples from our life. Practical tips will help you distinguish wh...

People are different and so misunderstandings and ruptures are unavoidable. Therefore, disappointments are natural and unavoidable. Many of us avoid expressing and hearing of our partner's disappointment with us. This usually stems from a fear that disappointment leads to abandonment. Yet disappointment is actually a wonderful tool for individual and relational growth! In this talk, Galit and...

We all react to our MAP of the world and not the objective world. In NLP we say: The map is not the territory. Our map of the world is shaped by our sensory preference (visual, auditory, kinesthetic, audio-digital). Conflicts and tensions in relationships stem from differences in sensory preferences. Learning to recognize your own and other's maps of the world can help you improve your relati...

A lot of us were taught that "wanting is dangerous" therefore we develop a core belief that "ambition is dangerous" and we either avoid being ambitious or alternatively feel guilty for being ambitious. But Ambition is a healthy feeling that can help you live the life you've always wanted. In this talk, I break down ambition, and through examples from the clinic and my life...

We all get bored and judgmental in our life and our relationship. This is a natural effect of growing older. Yet it is possible to prevent these feelings. How? Curiosity. In this talk, I explain how curiosity can prevent and minimize boredom and judgment, through examples from the clinic and my life. Practical tips will help you increase your curiosity today! www.potentialstate.com https://www.psy...

It's natural to keep score in our intimate relationship. Yet if it's too rigid it can limit your personal and relational growth.  In this talk, I explain why this happens and how to change it through examples from the clinic and my personal life. Practical tips will help you soften the scorekeeping in your life, so both partners can start winning.  www.potentialstate.com https://www.psyc...

In each Eithor episode, we tackle a different core dichotomy that limits people's growth. Most of us have a core belief that we can either be playful or responsible. We inherit this core belief from our families of origin and enact it in our lives. This either/or dichotomy (What we call an EITHOR - an internal golem that limits you) hurts your ability to grow and hurts your intimate relations...

We all have secrets. That's natural. But what limits our growth and relationships is the shame and guilt they cause. But what can we do about it? In this talk, I share the ways in which secrets can hurt your development and prevent your intimate relationships from deepening. Examples are given from the clinic and my life. Practical tips are given how to safely diffuse secrets from the toxic e...

We all have a love tank. When it's empty we feel unloved, angry, lonely, and become passive-aggressive. In short, empty love tank=bad relationships. The secret to a good relationship is filling up each other's love tank. How do you do it? Firstly, you must recognize what you and your partner's love language is. Then you must learn how to speak in their love language. In this talk, G...

Most of us try to avoid deep feelings of pain, anguish, and despair. Yet by blocking those dark feelings (which I call the 1-3 feelings) you are also blocking your ability to feel deep ecstasy, joy, and elation. In this talk, I explain why the key to your deep joy is in your pain, through examples from the clinic and my personal life. Practical tips will help you gently explore your pain to re-con...

"There's no comfort in the growth zone and no growth in the comfort zone." Do people in your life want more from you? Are they excited and invested in your development and growth? Most of us don't have a 'more' space in our lives where we are challenged to evolve and mature by the people around us. In this talk I explain why having a 'more' space in your lif...