The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast

Relating to anxious people is a challenge. Your best tools are recognizing emotional process, then using paradox and playfulness. 

Self-regulation is the key to keeping your own anxiety in check, as well as to reducing the anxiety level in the system. A simple way to do this is to listen.

Change in a system will bring resistance in the form of sabotage. Learning how to recognize it and how to deal with it can result in change that lasts. Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

It's the conflict of wills in a system that creates anxiety. Self-differentiation reduces this. It also helps us to deal with those who are emotionally dependent and try to hold us hostage. Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

Understanding emotional process distinguishes when it's helpful to engage in the content of the matter and when it's best avoided. This is simple, but not easy.  Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

When we are uncomfortable with another, we often avoid dealing directly with that relationship by triangling a third person or issue. Understanding how triangles work and how to deal with them is essential to healthy functioning.  Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

All change is loss, which can involve grief and pain. However, it also presents an opportunity for growth.

There is a difference between a challenge and a problem. Life is filled with challenges. They only become problems when we can't handle them. How we respond to a challenge influences whether it will become a problem.  Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

I have decided to serialize my upcoming book, which is a family systems primer. Each week I'll read one chapter, finishing right around the book's release. This chapter is a reminder about what's important in life. Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

The recent announcment by Prince Harry and Meghan to step back from the Royal Family provides a look into the Windsor family of origin. As with all families, intergenerational transmission and surrounding togetherness pressures are evident. Learning from their situation can help the rest of us grow as leaders. Show notes: The British royal family is struggling through scandals. Can ‘The Crown’ hel...

If the Protocol for Separation in The United Methodist Church passes, it will require many congregations to have difficult discussions. Doing so in a way that minimizes surrounding togetherness pressure gives the congregation the best chance to do so in a healthy way. Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

One of the most popular episodes focuses on a fundamental family systems concept. Self-differentiation is the key to effective leadership. Show Notes: Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue by Edwin Friedman Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

A rule of thumb for dealing with anxious people and anxious situations is, "Don't argue. Don't agree. Stay connected." Deflection can help you do this. Show Notes: How to Deflect Difficult Questions in an Interview or Negotiation by Brad Bitterly and Maurice E. Schweitzer Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

This episode shares helpful research on how to make an effective apology. More importantly, it unpacks why this is important for the non-anxious leader. It's about taking responsibilty for self. Show Notes: Dr. Joseph Bentley's website Taming Wicked Problems Freakonomics Episode 353: How to Optimize Your Apology Success Story: Robert Fulghum vs. Beethoven by Joseph C. Bentley Ph. D Join Th...

Different parts of our brain are responsible for how we respond to anxious situations. Understanding how they function can help us better self-regulate. Show Notes: The Concept of the "Triune Brain" by Andreas Komninos  THE EVOLUTIONARY LAYERS OF THE HUMAN BRAIN from mcgill.ca Amygdala hijack from Wikipedia Getting to Know Your Three Brains (five part series) by Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCS...

The Hot-Cold empathy gap predicts that our actions will not be what we think unless we are in the same emotional state. Understanding this can help us better prepare for anxious situations so we can be a non-anxious presence. Show Notes: In The Heat Of The Moment: How Intense Emotions Transform Us from Hidden Brain Empathy Gap from Wikipedia Real Versus Imagined Gender Harassment by Julie Woodzick...

Comparing ourselves to others often results in envy. This sometimes drives us to get better, but has significant downsides. Understanding how envy and empathy work can help us have healthy emotional connections in the systems in which we function. Show Notes: Feeding the Green-Eyed Monster: What Happens When Envy Turns Ugly from Hidden Brain Schadenfreude (Merriam-Webster) Empathy Is Tearing Us Ap...

The most effective leaders do a year-end review. Here are three approaches, including the one that I use. Doing a year-end review will take you about an hour. It will not only help you make the most of your 2019 experiences, it will help you prepare to get a great start in 2020. This month's theme in The Non-Anxious Leader Network is "Reflection." If you're not a member, join our...

Sharing "origin" stories and family narratives makes a family stronger. The holidays are an especially good time to make this happen. Whether you're asking the right questions or sharing your stories, doing this will help everybody relax and connect with each other. Join the Non-Anxious Leader Network (it's FREE). Show Notes: The Psychology Behind Superhero Origin Stories by Robi...

Yuval Noah Harari maintains that the greatest threat to freedom is the myth of free will. This episode examines free will to understand how we can better self-regulate in anxious situations. Join The Non-Anxious Leader Network (it's completely FREE) Show Notes: The Myth of Freedom by Yuval Noah Harari

Effective leaders are able to say what they believe while giving others the freedom to disagree. The Gottman Institute offers four rules to guide political discussions. Arthur C. Brooks offers these to help end what he describes our culture of contempt. This episode unpacks these from a family systems perspective, as well as takes another look at President Donald Trump's leadership style in th...

Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling are signs that a relationship is going downhill. Maintaing self-differentiation and a non-anxious presence can turn things around. Show Notes: The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling by Ellie Lisitsa of The Gottman Institute The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes by Ellie Lisitsa of The Gottman Institute Subscribe to my...

Trust is a key leadership competency. Developing a culture of trust requires trusting self, then trusting others. Show Notes: Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue by Edwin Friedman The Fundamental Attribution Error Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath The Moral Molecule: How Trust Works by Paul J. Zak Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tu...

Bill Selby is the founder of the Center for Pastoral Effectiveness for the Rockies. He has been training clergy for 20 years to apply family systems theory in their leadership. In this segment, he discusses how to stay connected to anxious people, how to avoid isolation, and the impact of change. Show Notes: Center for Pastoral Effectiveness of the Rockies Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠...

Bill Selby is the founder of the Center for Pastoral Effectiveness of the Rockies. In this segment, he talks about how to deal with sabotage in the context of a church meeting. Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.