The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast

Bill Selby is the founder of the Center for Pastoral Effectiveness of the Rockies. He has been training clergy in how to be a non-anxious leader since 1999. This is part one of a three part interview. In today's segment, Bill shares the importance of staying connected, process and content, and identifying healthy leaders. Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

Spiral dynamics is a model that helps us understand both human and societal development. The challenge of the 21st century is finding unity in the midst of ever-growing diversity. Understanding family systems can help. Show Notes: Stages of Social Development: The Cultural Dynamics that Spark Violence, Spread Prosperity, and Shape Globalization by Don Edward Beck, Ph. D. The Liturgists Podcast, Ep...

The word "parenting" first appeared in the late 1950's. Developmental psychologist Alison Gopnik maintains that parenting is a bad idea. Parent is a noun, not a verb. This has important implications for leaders who want to help others be their best. Show Notes: Alison Gopnik’s Advice to Parents: Stop Parenting! by Peter Gray, Ph. D., Psychology Today. What Kind Of Parent Are You: Carpenter Or Gard...

We sometimes think we have more control than we do. At other times we underestimate the amount of control we have. Knowing the difference is an important leadership competency. Show Notes: Choiceology: Season 4 Episode 1 Keeping the illusion of control under control: Ceilings, floors, and imperfect calibration by Francescas Gino, Zachariah Sharek and Don Moore Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tues...

Being able to recognize and respond effectively to emotional sabotage is essential for leading change. Empathy is good, except when it's not. This episode helps to unpack the difference. Show Notes: The following episodes are helpful in further understanding how to respond to sabotage: Episode 19: Self-Regulation–the Key to Being a Non-Anxious Presence Episode 26: How to Handle It When You Are Anx...

Emotionally dependent people require others to make them feel loved and validated. Giving in to their demands holds us hostage. Understanding how this works, as well as how self-differentiation is a way forward is an essential leadership skill. Show Notes: Are You Too Emotionally Dependent on Your Partner? by Leon F. Selzer Ph. D. Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

This episode is a bit personal. Two recent occurrences reminded me that I'm different. The rise of xenophobia is a global phenomenon. Responding in self-differentiated ways to those who emphasize differences in negative ways is the best chance we have to build a more civil and hope-filled world. Show Notes: Does Fear Motivate Workers — or Make Things Worse? from KNOWLEDGE@WHARTON Fear and Hopi...

The emotional triangle is the most stable form of human relationship. This is because most of the time we are not able to appropriately deal with tension or stress in a two-person relationship. This episode gives examples of triangles, explains how they are formed and maintained, and shows you how to deal with being triangled. Show Notes: Episode 19: Self-Regulation--The Key to Being a Non-Anxious...

"People aren't afraid of change, they're afraid of loss (Sandy Shugart)." Understanding this can help leaders show people how to face the pain of loss directly. This develops strength and results in growth. Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

The difference between a challenge and a problem is how we handle it. Anxiety, our own and that of others, is the key factor. Remaining a non-anxious presence will help us and those we lead to rise up to challenges and not make them problems. Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

This episode is an example of why it's important to be flexible. My personal travels and a case of stupidity caused it to drop a day late. Here's what I learned from it, and how it can help you. Show Notes: Episode 23: Musings from Thailand on Self-Differentiation Stewart Butterfield's bio Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

As a leader, people want to know where you stand. Learning how to do this in a healthy way creates the possibility for conversations that can lead to effective change. Show Notes: Gun Reform: Speaking Truth to Bullshit, Practicing Civility, and Effecting Change by Brene Brown Trump's Chaos Theory by Lance Morrow What’s Wrong with Donald Trump’s Chaos Theory of Power? by Michael A. Genovese Sub...

The healthy way to stand up for yourself is to take a non-anxious emotional stand. Avoid reactivity by not arguing and not agreeing. Understanding family systems theory will help you do this. Show notes: Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue by Edwin Friedman Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

Remaining a non-anxious presence when someone unleashes their anxiety on you is a challenge. The best response is don't argue, don't agree. This requires the ability to self-regulate your own anxiety. This episode explores the best way to do this. Show Notes: Glossary of Family Systems Terms from The Center for Family Systems Theory of Western New York Triggers: Creating Behavior That Last...

Pain is not something to be avoided. It is a part of life and can help us grow. Research on physical pain shows that there can be positive consequences. The same is true for emotional pain.  Show Notes: The Positive Consequences of Pain: A Biopsychosocial Approach by Brock Bastian, Jolanda Jetten, Matthew J. Hornsey and Siri Leknes Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

On our deathbed, most of our regrets will be things we left undone. Four of the top five are so-called regrets of inaction. Looking at them from a family systems perspective will help to avoid them. Show Notes: This article from Cornell summarizes Tom Gilovich's work on regret. The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departed by Bronnie Ware Subscribe to my weekly ...

Food is a proxy for culture, and culture is a system with its own set of unwritten rules that can create surrounding togetherness pressure. Getting outside of our own culture can help us to better self-differentiate. Show notes: Here is a recipe using turmeric marinated tofu . The egg I described in this episode is called a Century Egg . Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

The overnight success is a myth, or at best a rarity. The rest of us have to work at it. Regardless of what you do, there is a proven approach to making an impact. Show Notes: Domino Chain Reaction , a YouTube video by Stephen Morris. It's only 2-1/2 minutes, and well worth watching. The ONE Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth behind Extraordinary Results by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan Drip b...

Engaging in a difficult conversation takes preparation to enable one to be a non-anxious presence. These techniques will help you to prepare, get started and remain a non-anxious presence. Show Notes: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen and Roger Fisher Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

There are three potential conversations that go on in our heads when we are having a difficult conversations: What happened, feelings and identity. Understanding how these work and what to do about them is essential to being a non-anxious presence in challenging interactions. Show Notes: This podcasts references material from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Sto...

Remaining a non-anxious presence, especially in anxious situations, is the key to effective leadership. This is hard to do. You will feel anxious inside. Learning to regulate your own anxiety can help you be your most effective. Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

In family systems theory, pain is an opportunity for growth. Our culture promotes pain avoidance and seeking the quick fix. Sometimes the only way to find growth is through a crisis. Subscribe to my weekly  ⁠Two for Tuesday⁠  emails.

Very few organizations are able to sustain effectiveness over the long haul. It requires a balance between planning and adapting to changing circumstances, both of which are needed for innovation and execution. Procter and Gamble is an example of a company that has been able to change with the times. Show Notes: This article from the American Chemical Society documents P&G's history and ho...

Brene Brown uses the acronym "BRAVING" to describe how to build trust in relationships. Trust is key to effective leadership. Understanding Brown's take from a family systems perspective is helpful in learning to be a non-anxious presence. Show Notes: Brene Brown's talk on the Anatomy of Trust The SPEED of TRUST: The One Thing that Changes Everything , by Stephen M.R. Covey Subsc...

Is a messy desk or clean desk better for productivity and creativity? The answers might surprise you. The results from different studies help us to understand, from a family systems perspective, how we can help the team we work with do their best work. Show Notes: Why Google Encourages Having a Messy Desk , from Business Insider Science Explains What the State of Your Desk Says About You , from Fa...