The Cartoncast

Ben and Zane were tired of their dark, gritty, realistic night-jobs of fighting crime in Gotham. So they hung up the cape and the cowl, poured a glass of something non-alcoholic (“It’s 1:30, I’m not getting fucked up on a Wednesday!”), and watched as the city decayed into a wretched den of debauchery and mayhem. Honestly, the place looks a lot better now.

In 2021, Ben and Zane watch a movie from 2020 that feels extremely 2019. A movie that was surprisingly good despite its formula, its pedigree, and its development, but which could have been far better if it had stripped away some of its family-friendly trappings and leaned into its strongest aspects. But it’s a fine movie for the whole family - which, at Olive Garden, is everybody.

Ben and Zane were chilling in different dimensions (Ben in the audio-slapstick dimension, Zane in the melty-cake-face one) when a combination of magic, high-tech, and a complete disregard for aesthetics threw them into a single room. Now that they’re recording from the same place, they can do shorter, more concentrated episodes - an hour of power, if you will.

The Cartoncasters were ready for Calvin & Hobbes style imagination zones. They were ready for canned 80’s sitcom laugh lines. They were even ready for flagrant Minnesota accents. But when they showed up to meet Bobby, they realized that Howie Mandell was just a step too far over the line. Never again, folks.

Alas, Ben and Zane were without their handy dictionary, but the Cartoncasters had to foil the dastardly Joshua in his mad question to drench downtown in Sonic memorabilia (“memorabilia” are objects meant to evoke a specific memory). Without the right words to describe the scene, they had to watch impotently as this new villain desecrated fair Cartontopia (“desecrate” means to spoil or worsen somet...

Let’s face it. Ben and Zane had been around the block a few times. There’s almost nothing they haven’t seen. But Alex wouldn’t take no for an answer; he assured the cartoncasters that there was some shit in the sewer they just had to check out. Turns out there’s a computer that transmits your true selves, your very souls, into a digital world where anyone inside can see who you really are. Ben and...

Hello Internet. Yes, yes you there, sitting there in your gamer chair, sipping some sort of malted beverage. I am Killface. I’m intercepting your standard banal affair to tell you of your impending doom. Because I have invented my spin-off killing machine, the Annihilatrix 2.0, and it will… hmm? Yes? It’s been cancelled? By who? The network? Those charlatans! I’m going to go right there and… um, w...

Ben and Zane were looking forward to a relaxing trip to the country - the Donkey Kong Country. The trees and lakes were nice (if a bit low-res), and the owner of the resort, Mr. Kahrule, was very magnanimous. Unfortunately, there was an unpleasant man wandering around. He smelled like an ape and looked like he hadn’t bathed or shaved in years, but he kept talking about how he was destined to becom...

That old Rapscallion Damn Graves hosted this year’s halloween party in the middle of Nowhere, Kansas. The masks were spooky, apples were being bobbed - everyone seemed to be having a great time except for a curious pink dog in the corner who screamed with fear at every guest coming in the front door. But there was nothing to worry about, after all - they were just costumes, right? …Right?

Ben and Zane decided to use their powers of creativity for good(?) and came up with 10 cartoon adaptations of video games. This well is nowhere near dry, but once we think up 3 different harem animes it’s time for a break. * Mario Odyssey and WarioWare in a Freaky Friday situation * Shovel Knight as a Reality TV show about living together * Starcraft following the three factions in a war story arm...

Modern times getting you down? Things a bit too… serious? Well we let the radical 90’s adventure A Goofy Movie warp our schedule because it was just so freshalicious. Nic joins the cartoncasters as we look at an oft-overlooked piece of the Disney Renaissance that’s surprisingly heartwarming. So join us for the Perfect Cast.

When Gene Starwind (yes, that Gene Starwind) offered the Cartoncasters an opportunity to travel in his spaceship, they jumped at the chance. They just had to make sure to follow the rules in order to get to the Galactic Leyline. What’s that? Just a space treasure sought after by the Ctarl Ctarl empire. Who? Oh they’re just lycanthropic fanservice elementals, not unlike the secret order of assassin...

Phil gathered the Cartoncasters to his bedside. It was his time - the mercury fumes, you understand - and soon he would be gone. But instead of shuffling off to wherever it is he goes, he instead shifted before their eyes, metamorphizing into a brand new Phil. This one wore some atrocious plaid slacks, sure, and his recorder-playing wasn’t up to its usual stuff, but it was clearly the same guy, ot...

It’s that time again, buttholes. For this very special Bootlegg’d segment, there’s excitement, there’s sex, there’s mystery, and all of that is an absolute side plot to the perspectives of Beavis and Butthead as they Do America. Listen in to a preamble that takes far too long and is totally justified, as we discuss how B&B did America.

Settle down, Weebs, we didn’t do a full normal breakdown and analysis of the behemoth that is Hunter x Hunter (pronounced “Hunter Hunter” for reasons we couldn’t begin to get into). Instead we offer you a stream of consciousness regarding Ben’s recent watch-through (and Zane’s vague memories) of the apotheosis of Shonen anime.

Ahh, the exalted Cartony awards. The envy of every cartoon-related self-aggrandizing navel-gazing podcaster for miles around. An opportunity to purge the bitter bile from our minds, to start another year with a clean slate by acknowledging the worst, best, and hairy chest of the past year. So take a load off, reminisce about why these cartoons am so horny, and try not to fall prey to the wandering...

Ben and Zane were on the beat again, following up on a lead about a teenage girl who was a little more… chrome than most. They met Jenny, a new kind of robot with more different attachments and extensions than could possibly fit. Her abilities were impressive, but unfortunately her development ran out of funding before they could install that ‘interesting dueteragonist’ upgrade.

The Cartoncasters were in a bind. Yes, “again,” get off my back! Their…whew… let’s say dog was missing. Kidnapped! Kidnapped by, like, a confused cat burglar. And the cat burglar was in cahoots with, uh, maybe a salon? And the salon… I can’t do this. Yadda yadda, Ace Ventura’s on the case, whatever, just don’t make me look at him any more.

Ben and Zane were in a bind. They had to raise a lot of money to fix their microphone’s audio quality, which for some reason kept getting translated into a brooklyn accent. But the only jobs available were all related to an obscure card game with really flimsy rules and blatantly injected melodrama. It was only by wearing ridiculously stiff costumes that they were able to get the creator to listen...

Ben and Zane wanted to do their part to help the planet, so they joined AVALANCHE. The Cartoncasters liked it at first - they didn’t have to work in the radiation mines, they had all the propaganda they could want, and the ladies in the group seemed very interested. But the promises of daring missions and glory faded away as they spent their day selling water filters and haggling with the local Ma...

Ben and Zane mixed up their plane tickets and went to the fictional Dakota instead of the real one. There they met a superhero with lightning powers. Initially the Cartoncasters were beside themselves with fanboyism - they’d heard of Static’s exploits for a long time. But as time went on, the superhero descended into speaking in 90’s hip-hop slang and manifested crushing self-doubt. The Cartoncast...

What does it take to win the Oscar for Best Picture for Animated Feature? Does it take a story of high adventure, complex comedy, and social commentary? A grand epic with new and beautiful animation techniques that questions the nature of the self and its relationship to art and history? Can it handle having a mushy middle and a confused ending? It can if the Disney/Pixar movie that year was Cars...

It was only a matter of time. The Cartoncasters could put off the inevitable no longer. Dan Caves of The Cocktail Party Congress was finally able to pin down the cartoonologist duo to discuss a favorite of his, a little known (but lotly loved) series known as Inside Out Word Pages. The task was a daunting one, but with the help of Dan Caves, a pocket thesaurus, and the steady guiding hand of Anubo...

When Ben and Zane found the keys in that excavator, they knew there was only one option: tool around in it until they got caught or caused a fire, whichever comes first. What they didn’t expect was to unearth a complete skeleton of a T-Rex. The Cartoncasters gazed at its beauty and its potential, the sheer power of such a creature. But without any real meat on it, no connective tissue, no capacity...

Ben and Zane were all set up in their rooms, ready to record a podcast (in space). Setting up their space-microphones and sipping cosmic water, they pressed record. After a couple of intergalactic hours, their space-podcast was complete (in space).