The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma}

Parenting with co-regulating and seeing below our kids behaviors is actually a privilege we rarely talk about. It’s always a privilege, but especially when we consider different marginalized and oppressed identities that a lot of kids- and those of you listening- intersectionally hold.  In this episode, you’ll learn The definition of privilege (it is NOT a criticism) The privilege of safety for fo...

Parents of kids with a history of relational and complex trauma are some of the loneliness people I’ve ever known. The loneliness of parenting becomes compounded when the loneliness isn’t seen. The loneliness is traumatic.  It leaves an imprint on our spirits that wreaks havoc on our health (physical and mental) and our relationships (with others, and with ourself). Undoing aloneness is one of the...

Kids with vulnerable nervous systems often say BIG, hurtful, and scary words. They say things like “I hate you!” or “You hate me!” They sometimes threaten to hurt themselves- or you! Verbal aggression almost always pulls us right onto the watchdog pathway ourselves- which is understandable. Let’s talk about how you might respond if you’re able to hang onto your owl brain. In this episode, you’ll l...

Robyn explores the grief in parenting kids with vulnerable nervous systems  In this episode, you’ll learn: The relationship between trauma and grief Why it's important to make space for grief in our kids and in ourselves The role of self-compassion How a lack of media representation of your parenting journey causes grief Resources mentioned in this podcast: Robyn's book: https://robyngob...

Have you ever felt confused by your child’s silly behavior? It seems like they are having fun, but it doesn’t feel good at all? In this episode, you’ll learn How to tell the difference between fun-silly and dysregulated-silly What’s going on in the brain and nervous system for a child who is dysregulated-silly Practical ideas for how to support your child returning to regulation, connection, and f...

Our kids don’t need us to be perfect.  Not only do they not need us to be perfect, it would actually be bad for them if we were.   In fact, research shows parents are in attunement with their children about 30% of the time.  30%!  That’s it!   When I teach, I often reassure parents that ⅓ of their interactions with their child are “getting it right.”  About ⅓ of the time they are “getting it wrong...

Parenting ‘experts’ forget to tell you the most important thing. All this advice??? You’ll never do it all the time or even most of the time. You don’t need to. That’s not the point. Together - me and you - let’s just aim for 1% better. Professionals- this one's for you, too. In this episode, you’ll learn A parenting professionals #1 job is to trust their clients Aim for 1% improvement. 5% ‘g...

What is a vulnerable nervous system and how do you know if your child has one? Understanding what is meant by "vulnerable nervous system" can help you support your child with big, baffling behaviors. In this episode, you’ll learn: What do I mean by vulnerable nervous system How to know if your child has a vulnerable nervous system What causes nervous system vulnerability How to support a...

Sometimes it’s those lower-level, chronic behaviors- like rudeness and sassiness- that can really deplete the very limited reserves we have saved up in our own window of stress tolerance. Then we waffle between over-responding (big reaction, tiny problem) or under-responding (ignoring dysregulation which ultimately leads to increased dysregulation).  Kids in chronic protection mode often seem rude...

Understanding the difference between having influence over behavior vs. control can help you get clear on what to focus on.  One of the trickier parts of the work I do is talking so much with parents about attachment, their role in co-regulation, and felt-safety, without snagging into parent’s shame about every parent's deepest worry- that their child’s baffling behaviors are all their fault....

If you’ve ever wanted to eavesdrop on a conversation between two attachment, trauma, and neuro-nerds, today is your chance. Robyn and her dear friend and colleague, Jessica Sinarski, got together a few weeks ago for a live webinar to chat about how they have turned attachment science into practice. If you missed that webinar, here’s your chance to listen in. In this episode, you’ll learn Why most...

Cues of safety, danger, or life threat come from three places- inside, outside, and between. In part 3 of this series on felt safety, we are exploring felt safety from between- from relationship! In this episode, you’ll learn How availability of connection is a cue of safety or danger How neuroception can tell the state of the other person’s nervous system (connection or protection?) Why nervous s...

In this second episode of a three-part series on felt safety, we are going to explore all the ways our kids (and ourselves) are neuroceiving safety or danger from what’s happening in the environment. In this episode, you’ll learn Misconceptions about felt safety External (outside) cues of felt safety, such as the environment, sensory experiences, structure, and environmental demands What we do wit...

Let’s go back to basics! Last week we talked about seeing behavior through the lens of the nervous system and then took a deep-dive into co-regulation. This week begins a three-part deep-dive into the foundational concept of felt safety. What is felt safety, what isn’t felt safety, and why it matters! Next we will explore the many different ways we are all neuroceiving safety (or not) from our inn...

There’s a lot of confusion about what co-regulation really is.  Parents often say to me something like “OK, I get it- I’m supposed to give co-regulation instead of a consequence.  But- what does that really mean?  Like- what does co-regulation actually look like in real life?” Listen to the episode to learn: What regulation really is What co-regulation really is The ‘ingredients’ of co-regulation...

Behavior is just what we see on the outside that tells us about what’s happening on the inside. If we want to change behavior, we have to change what’s driving the behavior. This approach to behavior change rests on the idea that regulated, connected kids who feel safe behave well .  If you’re curious about how I came to that conclusion, you can watch my free masterclass and download the free eBoo...

I know it feels very frustrating when you find a therapist, arrange your schedule, and find a way to pay for therapy only for your child to not participate. Often parents ask me how to get their child to participate or what to do if their child won’t participate.   But actually what we really need to talk about is what does it look like to participate- or not- in therapy.  Especially as a child. I...

No matter how much effort we put into understanding behavior, seeing our kids for who they truly are, and connecting with their infinite worth, for those navigating the baffling behaviors of kids who have experienced trauma, or have sensitized stress response systems and/or vulnerable nervous systems, parenting can be traumatic In this episode, you’ll learn: Why the experience of trauma in parenti...

Sometimes it feels like our kids have a hole in the bottom of their heart.  No matter how much love and attention is put in, it seems like it’s never ever enough.   These kids cannot hold onto the feeling of presence and connection.  When it’s there, it’s great.  When it’s not, it’s like it was never there to begin with and they’ll never get it again.  They don’t have a string that connects them t...

Understanding your child's Mental Models, a specific kind of Implicit Memory, can help you make sense of your child's behaviors and helps you know what experiences they need from you to change their beliefs about themselves, relationships, and their sense of safety in the world.  In this episode, you’ll learn: What a Mental Model is and how it influences our perceptions and behaviors How...

What if understanding memory science and the impact of trauma on memory processing would help our children’s behaviors make sense? You know trauma impacts behavior, but there's a fascinating link between trauma and memory that will give you an even greater understanding of what's shaping your child's confusing behaviors. Understanding memory science helps you respond with more compa...

When your child can't handle hearing 'NO' or gets really dysregulated when a boundary is set, it can be really hard on the whole family. Understanding the role of Frustration Tolerance in your child's reaction to hearing 'NO' can help you set them up for growing this developmental skill. In this episode, you’ll learn: Why some kids are delayed in developing this compl...

A conversation with Melissa Corkum and Lisa Qualls, authors of Reclaim Compassion: The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Overcoming Blocked Care with Neuroscience and Faith about blocked care- what it is, what causes it, and how families can begin to recover.  In this episode, you’ll learn: What is blocked care What are the symptoms How can you overcome blocked care Resources mentioned in this podca...

Looking for practical strategies to nourish a fried nervous system? Living with someone who has significant vulnerability in their nervous system can lead to a sensitized stress response system, resulting in unpredictable and sometimes unsafe behaviors. This can leave our own nervous systems in a state of distress. While we often discuss secondary trauma in parenting kids with trauma histories, th...

In part 3 of this series on Boundaries with Connection, Juliane Taylor Shore talks us through how boundaries work in relationships with our children - relationships where we have to show up every day - and why it is so important for us to have good psychological boundaries when our children are verbally aggressive.  In this episode, you’ll learn: What are psychological boundaries How do psychologi...