The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma}

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” ~Carl Rogers You know, one of my favorite things about studying relational neuroscience is discovering the science that proves things we’ve known all along.  Not everyone needs the science, and I know some think the science detracts from the powerful truths that people have been brave enough to say and believe with...

Do the Watchdog and Possum pathway only activate in protection mode? Are they always protective? NO! It is possible to have safe and connected Watchdog energy and safe and connected Possum energy! Why does this distinction matter? In this episode, you’ll learn What safe and connected watchdog energy feels like What safe and connected possum energy feels like Why it’s important to remember we aren’...

What does my child need for their success to be inevitable? If I wanted to paint the top of a 20 foot wall, I’d rent some scaffolding.  Scaffolding makes the floor higher and would get me as close to the top of the wall as I needed.   The scaffolding would help make my success inevitable.  It’s not the only thing I need to be successful (paint would come in handy!), but it’s a really important pie...

Janet Nordine is a registered play therapist, adoptee, and mental health activist working tirelessly to improve children’s mental health services, specifically in the state of Nevada.  Janet has an important message for adoptees that I think is relevant to all kids and families who are supporting kids with vulnerable nervous systems: There is nothing wrong with you. You’ve done nothing wrong. You...

Self-regulation is a crucial developmental milestone and I’m thrilled that we are turning our eyes toward self-regulation instead of staying focused on behavior modification through rewards and consequences.  At the same time, we must remember that self-regulation is developed through repeated and regular experiences of co-regulation with an attuned, regulated, present caregiver.  If children are...

What’s the connected response to {insert difficult behavior here}?? How do I respond to {insert difficult behavior here} in a connected way??? I get some version of this question almost every day. So, let’s answer it here on the podcast! In this episode, you’ll learn What most parents are really asking when they ask ‘what’s the connected response’? What a connected response really is How to trust...

It’s normal and common for stress and dysregulation to cause kids to act younger than they really are. This happens to grown-ups too! Simply because it’s normal and common doesn’t mean it’s not very frustrating! In this episode, you’ll learn  A neurosequential explanation for regression How to use regression as a cue or a clue about the state of your child’s nervous system Ways to respond to regre...

I’m sure you often feel like ‘getting your kid regulated’ is a very important goal! But- is it? Is regulated the goal? And is it possible to even consider these kinds of questions when we are parenting very dysregulated kids with very dangerous behaviors? In this episode, you’ll learn The difference between a moment of being regulated and having a regulated (balanced) nervous system How regulation...

Believe it or not, we don’t want to get rid of our kids’ watchdog and possum brains! We want to help their watchdog and possum brain rest so they aren’t working so hard. Their watchdog and possum brains are overworked and overactive. In this episode, you’ll learn Why we must remember that everyone has a watchdog and possum brain How gratitude and acceptance of the watchdog and possum brain strengt...

When I work with parents whose child spends a lot of time on the possum pathway, I warn them that sometimes possum kids become watchdog kids before the finally have a nice, strong owl brain. Because watchdog behaviors are often more intense and scarier than possum behaviors, this can feel like your child is ‘getting worse.’ It’s actually a sign of healing, and here’s why! In this episode, you’ll l...

This episode originally aired on December 22, 2020, episode 8 ::: I love love love talking about self-compassion for two main reasons.  #1- Self-Compassion is solidly anchored in the relational neurosciences- and you know how much I love...and need...for things to be anchored in science.  #2- Self-compassion has tenacity.  There's no way out.  Self-compassion has an answer for all your reason...

Is it possible to feel better even if your child’s behavior doesn’t change? Even if the stress doesn’t change? Theoretically, yes. Your chronic watchdog or possum state means you are in chronic protection mode. Is it possible to shift out of protection mode before the chaos in your life changes? That’s exactly what we address in today’s episode! In this episode, you’ll learn The two different path...

This episode originally aired on September 20th, 2022 Another important piece of understanding what is underneath your child's big, baffling behaviors is the Stress Response System. Our Stress Response System plays a huge role in our children's behaviors and also how we perceive those behaviors. In this episode, you’ll learn: What stress is and how to differentiate good stress from bad s...

Settle in for a fun and inspiring chat with hosts from Therapist Uncensored and authors of the new release Secure Relating, Sue Marriott & Ann Kelley. In this episode, you’ll learn How responding to our children’s (and partner’s) needs in the present moment, instead of from a place of anxious or avoidant states, can improve our relationships About the intersection of attachment and trauma in o...

This episode originally aired on August 1st, 2023 Parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system can feel like navigating a maze blindfolded. But what if we told you that understanding the balance between enabling and co-regulation could be your guiding light? This week, we break down this crucial contrast, demystifying the term 'enabling', often misconstrued in the mental health fie...

I’m sure you’ve had moments (days, weeks, months) where it felt hard, maybe even impossible, to keep offering connection to your child. It is hard to offer connection to someone who seems to constantly reject it! If it feels hard to keep offering your child connection, I actually want you to shift your focus. Don’t prioritize offering connection to your child. Instead think about: Who can offer YO...

This episode originally aired on July 18th, 2023 What if I told you that there's a revolutionary approach to parenting that's shifting the traditional power dynamics and nurturing stronger relationships of trust and understanding? My latest conversation with Amanda Diekman, author of the groundbreaking book "Low Demand Parenting", explores this very concept. Together, we tread...

If regulated, connected kids who feel safe do well, does that mean connected kids are always cooperative? Definitely not! In fact, there’s a level of connection to others- and to themselves! - that invites in the safety to be UNcooperative! In this episode, you’ll learn How safety can invite both cooperative and UN cooperative behavior Why too much cooperation would actually be a bad thing How par...

This is NOT an episode about how to make your kid go to school.  What you WILL learn in this episode: What is pathological demand avoidance, or PDA? Schools valuing attendance above all is not helpful You are a good parent even if your kid doesn’t go to school That sometimes, all we have to do is be nice Resources mentioned in this podcast: Can’t Not Won’t by Eliza Fricker The Family Experience of...

The question of ‘can I heal’ or 'can my child heal' or ‘how do I (or my child) heal’ is a tricky one.  Healing is a word that gets used a lot without really pausing to ask ourselves what it actually means.  If we are aiming for a nebulous goal that hasn’t been defined, it will feel impossible to reach. Impossible tasks often feel hopeless. In this episode, you’ll learn Why it’s most usef...

***This episode originally aired on February 2nd, 2021*** Lying is probably the behavior parents seek support with the most.  It's confusing.  It's triggering.  It's exhausting. Did you catch last week's episode on X Ray Vision Goggles?  We can use those goggles to get underneath the lying so we can respond in ways that actually sets the boundary and increases the possibility o...

Do you live with someone or love someone who is chronically dysregulated? This episode isn’t an episode that is going to tell you what to do. This is an episode of commiseration. Of “I see you.” It is exhausting to live with someone who is chronically unhappy, or chronically dysregulated. Knowing you’re not alone can help. In this episode, you’ll learn How nervous systems match each other How we g...

***This episode originally aired on February 16th, 2021*** Connection.  Empathizing.  Offering choices.  These parenting ideas sound good in theory but if you are living with a child who seems chronically angry or won’t get out of bed or is otherwise pretty much always unhappy or dysregulated- none of those parenting suggestions seem to do much good.  So…what should you do instead??? This episode...

It’s very common for all humans- kids and adults- to have more behavior struggles and dysregulation. Kids with vulnerable nervous systems, as well as attachment trauma, are especially likely to demonstrate some confusing patterns with regard to where they are regulated and where they aren’t.  In this episode, you’ll learn The neurobiology behind why it’s normal for kids (and adults) to behave bett...

***This episode originally aired on May 11th, 2021*** You’ve asked yourself “Is this a behavior that’s coming from my child’s trauma?  Or is this regular acting out kid behavior???” Sometimes it’s pretty obvious but if you’re asking yourself that question, you’re probably in a situation where it isn’t obvious. What if I told you it doesn’t matter? Hear me out. Why do you want to figure that out? ...