The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma}

Our kids don’t need us to be perfect.  Not only do they not need us to be perfect, it would actually be bad for them if we were.   In fact, research shows parents are in attunement with their children about 30% of the time.  30%!  That’s it!   When I teach, I often reassure parents that ⅓ of their interactions with their child are “getting it right.”  About ⅓ of the time they are “getting it wrong...

Today we wrap up this month's focus on attachment with my dear mentor and friend, Bonnie Badenoch.   Bonnie Badenoch, PhD, LMFT is a thought-leader in the relational neurosciences.  When I think about her contribution to this emerging field of study, I think ‘integrator.’  Bonnie has helped us all feel into the many different strands that are woven together to become what we now call relation...

Part 6 of 6 in the June series on attachment! The part you've probably been waiting for: how does attachment change?  If you haven't caught the previous five episodes in this series on attachment, be sure to check them out. In this episode, we look at  How important it is to recognize insecure attachment as protective, trusting in the truth that things only change once we stop trying to...

***Possible Trigger Warning*** Learning about disorganized attachment might feel overwhelming and bring up uncomfortable feelings.  Listen in a place and at a time you can take breaks and seek regulation.  Titrate yourself!  Maybe read the article on the blog instead of listening to the podcast.  www. RobynGobbel.com/disorganizedattachment *********** Another episode in the June series on attachme...

Another episode in the June series on attachment! Today is all about insecure avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment is in the category of 'organized' attachment- meaning, the infant figures out an organized way to get their attachment needs met in the best way possible.  So smart! In this episode, we look at  The behavior patterns that lead to avoidant attachment The attachment needs...

Another episode in the June series on attachment! Today is all about insecure anxious attachment. Anxious attachment is in the category of 'organized' attachment- meaning, the infant figures out an organized way to get their attachment needs met in the best way possible.  So smart! In this episode, we look at  The behavior patterns that lead to anxious attachment The attachment needs of...

Here we are with the THIRD episode in this monthly focus on attachment! Today is allllll about secure attachment.    85% of the time, a child’s attachment experience will parallel the working model of attachment of the principal person caring for her.  ~Eric Hesse Whoa.  Well, if that's the case, the obviously we have to first talk about attachment in adults and caregivers. In this episode we...

June is allllll about attachment!  We kicked off this special series on attachment last week with my interview with author Bethany Saltman and her memoir "Strange Situation." Today- we are going back to basics. Attachment is something that gets a lot of airtime but also, a lot of confusion.   In today's episode we'll talk about John Bolwby and how he brilliantly noticed that at...

Bethany Saltman is the author of part memoir part biography Strange Situation - A Mother’s Journey into the Science of Attachment .  Bethany is a professional researcher, writer, and longtime Zen student who went searching for what she felt was missing when she was a new mom.  Like myself, Bethany discovered Dr. Sears’ The Baby Book on attachment parenting when she was pregnant with her now 15-yea...

Dr. Mona Delahooke is an infant and toddler mental health specialist who weaves together the connection between behaviors and the nervous system. In addition to her direct clinical work with families, Dr. Delahooke has dedicated her career to bringing the science of behaviors and the nervous system to educators and parents. Dr. Delahooke’s third book, Brain Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Beh...

Consequences. Punishments. Limits. Boundaries. These words don't mean the same thing but we often use them interchangeably. In this episode, we get clear on what exactly is a consequence versus a punishment versus a boundary. And how parenting through the lens of regulation, connection, and felt-safety is absolutely not boundary-less or permissive parenting. It's a way of looking at our...

I'm introducing you to one more amazing mom this week (I introduced you to another amazing mom last Sunday! Go check it out!) This mom has given me the privilege of watching some pretty remarkable transformation happen as she practices being OK with exactly who she is. And how that matters in her parenting. I hope you love this special episode. Many many thanks to my special guest :) The Club...

"I experienced post-adoption depression when my son was adopted as a newborn.  Now he has some behaviors that make it hard for me to parent with compassion.  How do we get out of this stuckness?" This is such a brave and vulnerable and honest question.  Thank you for trusting as well as trusting all my listeners to hold you and your son's pain. Regular podcast listeners won't b...

Ever wonder how to apply the concepts of felt-safety and attunement to one of the trickiest parenting experiences ever?  Food and feeding kids with extreme picky eating, food preoccupation, or other feeding-related challenges that feel very stressful in your family? This is exactly why I invited today's guest to the podcast! Dr. Katja Rowell is a family physician in Washington State, the auth...

Today is your lucky day because you get to meet a pretty awesome mom. A mom who might be a little like you- even if you're a grandma or a dad or a foster parent or a big sister or whoever you are. A mom who is straight up with us right away that she knows it's very possible that her child will have possibly life-long struggles with regulation.  And even if that's true, there are sti...

"My six-year-old gets stuck when things don't go as planned or the way she wants them to go.  She'll flip her lid and it can take 30 minutes for her to calm down.  Help! What do I do?" In this Q&A we talk about our x-ray vision goggles, how disappointment can be a tricky feeling, and different ways to help our kids move through distressing moments, like Greg Santucci's...

We talk a lot about our kids' owl, watchdog, and possum brain. But what about ours? Let's talk about mine.   How I was almost convinced our moving company was a ponzi scheme plotting to steal all our stuff. How I grow and strengthen my owl brain. How my owl brain has been tested in the past couple months as my team and I move The Club.   The movers did not steal our stuff.  They did do s...

"How do I help adoptive parents feel more empathy toward their child's parents so that their relationships can improve?" I love this question.  Thank you for calling it in, and thanks for even having it. The answer takes a few twists and turns as I talk about grief, all feelings being welcomed, and believing in everyone's infinite worth. Listen for the full answer as well as qu...

****please don't listen to this episode when your child can overhear**** Most parents I know have had the thought “I do not like my kid.” Parents of kids with big baffling behaviors, lots of dysregulation, and especially histories of attachment or relationship trauma have had that thought more than once. Then they become paralyzed by the shame of having that thought. More than once. They tell...

"I've been listening to you since the beginning but I'm having such a hard doing the things I'm learning.  What am I doing wrong?" I have a feeling soooo many of you are nodding your head.  Yup, been there.  Yup, asked that question. Here's the short answer. You're doing nothing wrong. Listen for the long answer (you know I have a long answer!) and also for ideas...

Katie Malinski, LCSW is a therapist and parent coach in Austin, TX.  I've been lucky to know Katie for well over a decade.  In the last few years of my life in Austin, Katie and I could wave at each other from our offices because she moved in across the street. Katie recently published her first book and I was thrilled she accepted the invitation to be on the podcast.   How to Talk to Your Te...

Ah yes.  The dreaded flop. When our kids are toooooo exhausted to do a request or a chore. What do we do?!?! Welcome to Fridays in February Q&As!  I'll be answering one question every Friday in February. Have a question?  Leave me a voice message over at https://robyngobbel.com/podcast Look for the box that says "Send me a question!"  Hit the button and record your question righ...

Every day, I connect with parents in my inbox, in social media, in The Club who are struggling and confused by conflicting parenting advice. Parenting kids with big baffling behaviors is nothing if it’s not extremely confusing. And when experts give conflicting advice, it’s extra confusing. Parent experts who only teach “what to do” don’t solve the real problem. I know it might sound exhausting bu...

Sarah Bren, PhD is a clinical psychologist and mom to two little ones in upstate New York where she loves to work with new parents, especially parents who want to parent differently than they were parented.   Dr. Bren developed an interest in working with parents when she became a parent herself.  She was learning about parenting and parenting models and realized that so much of what she was readi...

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” ~Carl Rogers You know, one of my favorite things about studying relational neuroscience is discovering the science that proves things we’ve known all along.  Not everyone needs the science, and I know some think the science detracts from the powerful truths that people have been brave enough to say and believe with...