Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Super Mario RPG Part 3!  In this erotically charged episode the podcast screeches to a halt as Matthew insists that Jonathan Jones is not a shark, but that doesn't stop us from further ruining your childhood. Amazing talking points include: John's misunderstanding the vagina reaches new heights; they debate the origins of the term "Axem Rangers"; everyone falls in love with a morbidly obese toucan...

We explore several theories on the lineage of the Koopa Kids and Bowser Jr. as well as try to gain some insight into the true relationship between Mario, Princess "Peach" Toadstool, and Bowser himself. Other questions we ask: is there any Croco fan art? Is googling bad for a podcast? Is Super Mario RPG just a tabletop RPG made by Luigi to get revenge on his brother? On a scale of hot to superhot,...

Hey! Just a heads up, this is a SUPER NSFW EPISODE . Much more so than usual. So make sure your children are tucked into bed before diving into this week's particularly risqué pod. Topics covered include: Did Dr. Eggman take Donkey Kong's name when he got him pregnant? We pitch 90s edgelord variants of the Super Mario RPG opening; there's much talk of MRPEG; we discuss Mario's living situation and...

Stay tuned after the credits for what will hopefully be the first and last episode of HAMILTALK! John and Vanessa are joined by Stan from They See Me Rollin' as they divulge Star Wars origin stories and then tackle the burning questions our listeners have been aching to ask: can you teach a cat to use the force? Why is your marriage not working? Where is the love? Also: John's deep Wing Commander...

NEXT GAME ANNOUNCEMENT! We wrap up Knights of the Old Republic by storming through the mystery planet of the Rakatans, botch the Light Side quest (yeah, those villages aren't being unified), die in some terrible wrong dialogue choice auto-deaths, fight the controls in possibly the worst KOTOR bullshit minigame ever, and decide the fate of the galaxy and which ending we're gonna get through some su...

We're closing in on the end of Knights of the Old Republic in this episode as we head to the Sith Academy on Korriban. Is it a Saved By The Sith situation? A Sith Valley High scenario? This is an action and reference packed episode! Jolee becomes the breakout character of the game; John and Matt talk about shopping for five minutes, until Vanessa stops them; a debate on whether or not people would...

Things get started with a bang as we attempt to interview poor, gullable Gluupor for an unpaid internship. We explore the railroading that gets us captured, none of us are particularly bothered by Bastila's torture, we meet Discount Darth Vader face to face, Jolee gets to do some heroic mind tricks, and finally... yes, finally... we learn the truth about our character's roots in an exciting denuem...

Gluupor probably not fit to stand trial. Gluupor not even totally sure how Gluupor got to Manaan. Gluupor not an expert at interrogation. Gluupor also not super into logarithmic pairs. Other things Gluupor confused by: ancient fish gods; super slow underwater sections; solving mysteries; getting tried and convicted by a jury of fish people. Gluupor not understand any of this. Gluupor just wants to...

Do you like the sound of Wookies? You better, because on Kashyyk it's all Wookies all the time. Jim spent his time on the forest planet being kind of terrible at being terrible, while Vanessa was a good good woman and killed robots, we solve a mystery, fight some Cylons, figure out ideal specs for Jedis, and have Carth inexplicably get mad at us for no reason yet again. On the plus side the Wookie...

It's all hands on deck for the invasion of Tattooine! Matthew takes offense at spurious uses of the term "dragon"! Sand jokes are made! Homicidal robots are found! We kill dozens of sand people! Marlena gets her revenge on her terrible husband! John isn't super great at being good and Jim is kind of terrible at being evil! The very foundations of Square Roots threaten to break apart as the Sqooter...

Matthew finds his KOTOR groove as Jim and he pit the Space Montagues against the Space Capulets in this star crossed episode of Knights of the Old Republic. Also: mouths are smashed; Shantae can stay; we meet a non-Batman based Catwoman; everyone hates the crappy Jedi council; we solve a mystery, Phoenix Wright style; and we explore just how much more fun the Dark Side is in this game. This week o...

Vanessa goes turret crazy this week as Jim tackles his problems sticking to the Dark Side, John is relentlessly teased for his terrible headphones, and we play through another big ol' chunkerino of Knights of the Old Republic. This week: Villains buy food and medicine! Light Side Jedis kill everyone! We debate ways to kill a rankor beast! We totally forgot about a droid! We ponder the issues inher...

OH MAN! A new game! A new year! And it's Star Wars! We start off with a quick review of Rogue One in which Matthew tries to fight everyone, then Matthew comes out as a Young Galaxy-er, and rejects the premise that KOTOR was set 3956 years before A New Hope; Nessa's touching Fisher Stevens tribute; Nessa's standards for a dream man include that he has a jacket; Jim debates the morality of buying a...

New friends of the podcast just happened to drop by and talk with us about the finer points of Final Fantasy X! We've got the translator Nick Des Barres, Nerds Without Pants's Julian Titus, and former xSeed editor Jess Chavez here to talk overdrives, Lulu's belts, literal verses interpretive translation, comparing and contrasting the Trails in the Sky heroes versus the Final Fantasy cast, FF9 Vers...

It's a Square Roots Christmas as Matthew decides that we're not doing the whole RPG thing any more and says bah, humbug! You'll never guess what happens next. Okay. You'll probably guess. But that's okay. Sometimes there's comfort in predictability. The milk man, the paperboy, evening TV. How did I get delivered here? Someone tell me, please. This ol' world's confusing me. Do you think the Family...

Mike "Mark" McDonald and Randy Newman join the gang as we plow through the end of Final Fantasy X! This week: Yojimbo redeems himself in the eyes of Matthew, Squaresoft decides to cram in one last terrible minigame, we discuss the song Otherworld, Seymour gets a curly moustache, Matthew gives the game Ten Out Of Ten Final Fantasy Tens, Vanessa kills bosses with Blitzballs, Jecht goes Full Final Fa...

And now for something completely different! With special guest Chelsea from Twincast Cosplay we take a long, long look at the fashion do's and don'ts of some of the biggest stars Spira has to offer! We break down Tidus's Blitzball uniform, Seymour's wedding gear, Rikku's diving suit and casual wear, Lulu's gothic phase, O'aka's Organ Grinder Monkey look and ask the ultimate question: who wore it b...

Before we finish the game next episode we take an hour to dive into all the sidequests and minigames that Final Fantasy X has to offer! Matthew rejects Yojimbo's lack of rabbitness, everyone's favorite sitcom Fiends, Lulu's summoner issues, Trommel's death wish, Jim's Naboo adventure, Jim has an out of body experience due to celestial mirror discussions, Matthew goes back to his home planet, Belga...

Things get much, much darker as there is much child murder in this episode and possibly in this chunk of Final Fantasy X. The chambers of the Fayth get real bad this episode, but the bosses get better. There are many, many flashbacks. We also explore the steamy sinful relationship between Jecht, Auron and Braska, we ponder the lack of clothing on Yunalesca, and Vanessa gets some audio issues and k...

After kicking little Timmy out of the studio and sending George Lucas out for coffees we sing the theme to the Vanessa Girl anime and get started trekking through Mount Gagazet. On this week's Square Roots: Vanessa reveals the secrets to the Ronso language, John performs the Yuna song, Vanessa's Ronso fan fiction, Genki and Bizarro, Super Mecha Seymour, Tidus's rad houseboat, creepy summoner wall...

This time on a very special episode of Square Roots we combine with Owen Choules from Classic Schmassic, Voltron-style, to form a super cool robot called Classic Roots! Its mission: to look at the feature film created as a prequel for the release of Final Fantasy XV, called Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV. We have so many questions, and even more inappropriate nicknames for the only slightly overwei...

After John calls off Matthew's Phone Minute, we dive into a weird deathtrap dungeon where there's an exit and they let you keep your weapons. This week: a super cool summon versus summon battle; Vanessa heckles John; zombie wyrms; we break into show tunes; we hit the lonely end of Maester Babyface; Seymour Soul Gobbler turns into Nega Seymour; Kimahri's creepy voyeurist tendencies; and so much mor...

Audio problem is fixed! CHILLS from Wakka's glares! THRILLS as we encounter or possibly summon a Ghost Wendigo! MARVEL as Tidus kind of ignores Dona! This week on Square Roots we go from wandering in an endless desert hunting sandworms to translating Al Bhed chests, go on trial for sorta kinda killing Seymour, and so much more. ALSO! Things get a little too sexy as John tries to figure out another...

It's all cats all the time this week on Square Roots as George Lucas gets kicked out of the studio, we make fun of Doctor Who sets, three out of four hosts cry at the movie Rudy, we dodge lightning, Rikku goes all Ringu, we find out some hard truths about Seymour, there's a big fight about atheism, and we hit one of the best boss battles in Final Fantasy history. A plus-sized episode filled to the...

Shoopuffs: just another disappointing brontosaurus? We make fun of Jurassic Park, Matthew, makes the worst joke ever about the Moonflow, O'aka's poor clothing choices, John stirs up beef with Portland, Tidus is the Zach Morris of Final Fantasy, Vanessa takes Seymour to the vet's office, Seymour's yam sized hands, a brief visit to the afterlife, which is kind of like Disneyworld in this place, and...