Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

We finally dispatch Ladja, try to figure out the pun behind King Korol, meet our mom, reunite with our wife, defeat a giant moose, and finally, finally save the world. After about ten hours of grinding. Dragon Quest V ends as all games should: with dancing! This Week: We finish the game! Somehow! Next Week: We reach the Grey Warden base in Dragon Age: Origins! Stan's podcast: They See Me Rollin':...

After Papa became a stationary stone you get to meet your somewhat growed up kids! And guess what? The boy is a legendary hero! SHOCK! Now all that's left to do is find out more information about your mysterious mom, clean your litterbox at least twice a week, toss your head to the side and say you're angry, find the mysterious truth about Dr Agon, get crushed by an oversized moose, and beat the h...

We finally found the warrior of legend, the Great One: Wayne Gretzy! Also: More Hard R Square Roots as Horny Grandma returns, God bribes, Nera's terrible self-esteem, married life with Debora, the return of Sancho, pop culture savvy nuns, and so much more!  This Week: Several years pass after a horrifying twist! Next Week: We clear the Dragon Temple! Stan's podcast: They See Me Rollin': http://the...

Gonna get, gonna get, gonna get married on this extra special episode of Square Roots! Who will marry the good, sweet, hometown crush? Who will be with the ingenue book smart rich girl? And who will end up with the angry, strong-willed self-determined lady? You'll never guess! Also this week: not saying neigh to muscular horse men, special sleepy time ASMR for Stan, and a very special holiday mess...

Dragon Quest suggests how to solve a problem like Maria: with whips, definitive Indiana Jones ranking, the Nuns of the Above, breaking bad habits, hot pixel cleavage, debating Dragon Quest music, Dragon Quest Pokémon, and so much more! This time: We break out out of slavery, restore Harry to the throne, and get his... marital organ. Next time: We get married! Stan's podcast: They See Me Rollin': h...

Guest host Stan from They See Me Rollin' joins us as we tackle our first quest of dragons, a dragon quest if you will. This supersized chunker is stuffed with Russian counts, lots of puns, Sancho's problematic accent, trying to figure out how to pronounce Pankraz, a real Jauffre kind of prince, and super ripped horsey men. This Week: We get to the end of the Ancient Ruins in Dragon Quest V! Next W...

Finally everything is resolved: the true role of Rosencaster, Henry and Robert's integral role in the Rogue Galaxy finalé, Gale's messianic return, Chie & Miyoko's pivotal rescue of the crew, M10 and Mio's incredible heel turn, and so many other things that definitely actually happen. This Week: We finish Rogue Galaxy! Next Week: We get to the end of the Ancient Ruins in Dragon Quest V! Our theme...

Oh wow. This show goes off the rails from the start when Vanessa decides to let us in on some Folger's Coffee brother and sister love, and then just veers off into strange places. Topics include: how weiners work, side character development, Nermals and Garfields, more debating about ghosts, 11th Hour Bad Guy Appearances, and so much more! The offending Folgers commercial: https://www.youtube.com/...

This game is one dramatic revelation after another as we approach the final few chapters of Rogue Galaxy. In this episode: Johnny finally says "Saiyan" correctly, TOM PETTY CHOCOLATE BAR, Vanessa gets distracted by Ryan Reynolds, lots of fatherly disapproval, so many ghosts that you didn't know where ghosts, and much much more! This Week: We play chapter nine and ten in Rogue Galaxy! Next Week: We...

Are you ready for a really, really long dungeon? And then ready to do it again? Because that's just one chunker of this chunker. Three keys, four dungeons, and all the unearned pathos. Also: vamping about Castlevania, Harry and the Hendersons, more of Simon's sad, sad former family, talk of both Star Trek and Wars, and so much more! This Week: We play chapter eight in Rogue Galaxy! Next Week: We p...

Let's take a break to talk to a child who is dressed like the Jack from a deck of cards! No need to save your game! Let's watch this five minute scene where they talk about nothing. Also this week: Hot Dog, burly miners, a beautiful montage set to Roxette, unearned pathos, Girl gets less character development than Mio, finally meeting the Captain, butt wiping sock attacks, Deego's deep DeviantArt...

It's that spoopy time of year so we decided to release our monthly Patreon Instant Classic episode to all our listeners. Because we love you.  Join Vanessa, John, and JIM (that's right, he's back) as they decide if 2015's PS4 exclusive Until Dawn is an Instant Classic. 

Holy crow. This game takes a turn for the... weird. But at the same time, the dungeons become even more repetitive. Talking points include: Gundam's maps, everyone's favorite idol Mio, Robert and Henry's extensive screen time, the confusing fate of Rosencaster, a robot's strange daddy, Simon's weird family, how to bribe people, and so much more! This Week: We play chapter four and five in Rogue Ga...

Ooooooooof. We take a deep dive into the cultural melange that is the peoples of Jurukai in Level 5's Rogue Galaxy! There's some unsettling character design, two of the bustiest characters we've ever encountered in JRPGs, and John misses all the good treasure and abilities.  Also? TOADY. Vanessa recorded this episode from a dark, spooky well. This Week: We play chapter two and three in Rogue Galax...

It's a short chunker as we start Level 5's cult classic RPG Rogue Galaxy! There's mistaken identity, Scottish Volus, a man named Raul, skull camels, Cobra Commander cats, Chaz 2: The Chazening, Generic Girl: She's Fine, the Revelation Flow, and awkward Kingdom Heartsy combat. Let's go catch some Moussers and head out to space! This Week: We play chapter one in Rogue Galaxy! Next Week: We play chap...

We've been to Paradise, but have we been to me? Yes. Of course we have. We dive into Martin's gaping portal and head off for the penultimate great battle: a very quick sword fight against Mankar Cameron. He loses. It's not very climactic. BUT. Things get real interesting when you get back to the Imperial city! Daedra Kaiju! Self-immolation! The City Guard Versus Martin, if you're Matthew. We wrap...

Someone on the podcast has a weakness for Rob (and his sister Tilda)'s gruesome cinematic output, and it's not who you might think! We start off the podcast with some sad news, and then some mixed news. The podcast is in disarray! When will we play Chrono Cross? What will we play next? Why is Vanessa murdering so many people? Why does John get lost in such a small level? We open up a giant Oblivio...

Okay, right off the bat - we're all kind of d*ck crazy in this episode because the news has been nothing but wieners. On this episode we deep dive into side quests and get some fancy armour that for some dumb reason Vanessa just can't wear. Plus: John's all-scamp boyband, Fantasy Shrevport, we pitch a new Avengers game, Jim and John embark on a pilgrimage, Mirror Universe Square Roots Where We're...

You'll have so many questions about Jim's terrible meme, but hopefully this episode will try to answer it. As we play through Bethesda's smash hit open world RPG, each host tries their best to be upsetting. First, Vanessa's choice of TV show disgusts the rest of the podcast. Second, Jim's terrible meme. Third, Matt's upsetting roleplaying of his cat Felix. And finally John decides to buy some wate...

Dust off that cloth map, it's time to head to Cyrodil! That's right, we're off to explore the verdant pastures and thrilling forests of Bethesda's Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion! Topics covered this week: Pee Stew, Vanessa's CSI problem, Matthew's naughty kitty Felix, Vanessa's slight Oblivion obsession, Sean Bean sightings, John blaming glitches for pretty much everything wrong with his life, and so...

It's all Sondheim all the Sond-time on this episode of Square Roots! We learn about Sondheim's famous love of breasts, his pioneering of reverse-alley staging (and the sex position), and his improvised piano songs in a series of completely true facts that were not made up. OH. We also finish Final Fantasy VI! TAKE THAT KEFKA, YOU THIRD RATE FINAL FANTASY VILLAIN. While we may be down on mimes, clo...

We collect all the missing party members! Good news! No one died! Unless you left Shadow out to die, you monster. Wait, he left his friend to do so maybe you're the real monster if you save him? Morality is weird, friends. We talk about catfishing, the secrets of silk production, teen pregnancy, Locke gets his dead girlfriend back, Strago joins a cult, and we don't even know what was going on with...

We're all flipping water bottles, dabbing, and diving out of moving cars in this exciting, hip, current episode of Square Roots. Is John compensating because he's now 39? Is Matthew known for being angry? Is Vanessa fed up with ladies giving up because they learned about motherhood? Is Jim just cranky? YOU BET. Also there's tons of Star Trek talk, the sad death of Bananaman, the dark, moody World...

Lulu! Rubber shirts! Esper Rumspringa! John questions Vanessa's age! The earth gets mad! Final Fantasy VI presents what seems like an early endgame as Kefka wreaks havoc on the planet, and then the party... well... it doesn't really save anyone. But! There are robots. And TWO Ultros appearances! 02:50 - Level Up 21:40 - The Quest Mog 01:30:30 - Bullshit Minigame Corner 01:32:30 - Squarely Against...

MATTHEW'S LAPTOP EXPLODED. So our regularly scheduled episode won't be up for a couple of days. So in the mean time, here is the first episode of Sierra Roots. We discuss the best and worst of Sierra, Vanessa premieres her phantasmagoria true crime podcast documentary, and ReVenture Games's Natalie Juhasz discusses how Laura Bow's beloved stupidity helped inspire Lorna Bains. Final Fantasy VI will...