Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Intense drama! Banana suits! Minecart escapes! How babies are made! Talkabos! Sealed doors! Sexy Grandma returns! All this and more in a slightly rambling, somewhat tangent filled fun fest! 02:45 - Level Up 32:00 - The Quest Mog 01:12:40 - Bullshit Minigame Corner 01:15:15 - Squarely Against This Week: We play until the the party gets to the Sealed Door! Next Week: We play until you leave the Floa...

It's hot takes aplenty as we hit the most fondly remembered chunker of Final Fantasy VI: THE OPERA SCENE. Who loves it? Who finds the synthesized warbling kind of crappy? You'll never guess! Also in this episode: Locke's creepy girlfriend storage room, Hill Gigases, Ultros's fantastic return, Setzer being a creepazoid, the history of the two-headed coin, espadrilles, and so much more! 02:45 - Leve...

We're hot and distracted in this episode, so bear with us. You may want to, you know, skip ahead to the Quest Mog. We're just saying. It's tangent town, population: this podcast! This week we discuss train suplexing, Kefka's unhappy army, Terra's crappy scenario, why Shadow is a jerk, dogs enjoying badminton, blue spartans, Nomi Malone, that weird Final Fantasy III commercial where Mog has a gruff...

There's a lot of talk about child stars in this episode of Square Roots, which is suprising given that we're talking about THE NUMBER ONE GREATEST RPG EVER, Final Fantasy VI. So is it really the Number One Greatest? Are Biggs and Wedge dating? Is Terra a witch or a sorceress? Is Edgar flirting due to societal pressure, or is he a creep? How can Sabin be a bear icon when he doesn't even have a bear...

Did Fable harness the power of the Xbox and our hearts? Or was it a fetid balverine of disappointment? We give our final review of Fable as we finish the game and delve into the extra Lost Chapters content. Topics include: a glyph that unlocks prime Saved by the Bell knowledge; Vanessa's molten lava attraction; Matthew's trail of carnage and SO MUCH MORE. 04:40 - Level Up 15:05 - The Quest Log 01:...

Since Jim has given up on his Fable quest, he's resorted to coming up with the worst Dad Jokes to help us through rescuing The Scarlet Robe, infiltrating a prison, stopping a kidnapping, looting a graveyard, and other spooky RPG tasks! It may not be the penultimate episode of Fable that you expected, but it's the one you deserve. This Week: We rescue the Scarlet Robe! Next Week: We finish Fable! A...

We're still giving inappropriate books to schoolchildren in Fable, but that's not the least of our adventures. There's scorpion slaying! Murdertimes! John striking out bad! Trying out fun names for big evil door heads! Plus: we meet the Jack of Blades, and deep secrets are revealed! This Week: We conquer the Arena! Next Week: We rescue The Scarlet Robe! Our intro music for this series is THEoneNIL...

HELLO PATRIOTS. GET YOUR BACKSTAGE PASSES READY, IF YOU'RE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. WE'VE TAKEN THIS PODCAST IN A LUCRATIVE NEW DIRECTION. Did we say lucrative? We mean patriotic. And not les patriotes, we're talking real American Patriots! NO CANADIAN HISTORY LEARNING HERE. Also: Vanessa leans in to her poly preferences, we discover teaching school children in Albion can be rewarding, Matthew...

Now we find out just what happens when you fall in love with Matthew and then he asks you to follow him somewhere. The answer? You get sacrificed at the Temple of Scorn, and then can't skip more than two songs without paying their premium: YOUR SOUL. Also in this episode: mushroom talk, fishing, Yuko's Island Express, Matthew gives excellent Troll advice, and much more! 02:25 - Level Up 10:15 - Th...

It's FABLE TIME. Harnessing the power of the Xbox, will you be able to grow a tree? Play as a lady? Create procedural rivalries? Make an AI friend named Milo? Teach virtual pets morality? NO. Of course not. But Lionhead's ambitious RPG is not all disappointment and terrifying child faces. There's plenty of great stuff in here! 15:05 - Level Up 20:53 - The Quest Log 58:00 - Bullshit Mini Game Corne...

Holy crap. Gaia is now some kind of giant bug and we have to crawl inside. From the bottom up. Yeah. It's kinda gross. We criticize the parenting of Feena and Justin's children, Jim is convinced that Justin gets swole, we debate if Mullen earns his ending, we optimistically announce Bad Dragon as our dream sponsor, there are many, many plugs to our Patreon, AND SO MUCH MORE. 02:20 - Level Up 15:55...

Grandia is almost over, and it may be breaking the Square Roots crew to their very cores. Except for Jim. Jim for some reason is finishing this game in record time. This week on Square Roots: Vanessa gets Royal Fever, Jim turns into a robot, Feena becomes a corporal, Justin won't solve the Trolley Problem, we debate the worst voice actor of the game, there's much plant carnage as Baal makes it go...

Square Roots really, officially has a Patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast NEXT GAME ANNOUNCED! This l'il chunker has all your favorite Grandia bits: rainbow roads! Falling out of a plane! Jenova-ing monsters! Plant arms! Convenient manta rays! Secret Icarians! There's a lot of plot and a lot of action, even if poor ol' Vanessa is sick. Level Up: 04:00 Quest Log: 12:50 Squarely...

Square Roots really, officially has a Patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Let's not forget that Grandia was made in the halcyon days of 1996 in Japan, so the name of the dog people did not carry the same kind of political weight as it does now. But that's just the start of the revelations we have today. For instance: the true nature of Darlin! Where Lainians keep their wisdom!...

Square Roots really, officially has a Patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast We meet Rapp, and his parents who were both turned to stone and rubbed to death. He has one of the worst voice actors in gaming. It is legendary. This week we've got: Vanessa's Rapp Rap, Milda's labia, Leen's Secret, a whole Jenova scenario, God of War, Vanessa's Sims, edible housing, and SO MUCH MORE. Th...

Square Roots really, officially has a Patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast We push forward with even more Grandia, finishing Disc One. But that means it's a jam packed episode full of tricky mermaids, confusing elevator puzzles, catapults, crying children, not knowing how to run, awkward dates, and villagers who lean on plausible deniability. This week: We play until the end of...

Square Roots really, officially has a Patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Sue falls to what appears to be her death, is nearly eaten, Justin gets vanquished by a way, way better swordsman, and Feena kind of stays out of trouble in this song-packed episode of Square Roots. From a very, very large wall to a fish-shaped house and one of the most tedious, longest, and annoying maps...

Hey! We've got a Patreon now! Our full announcement will be in the next episode, but check it out: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Okay. Things get a little off the rails this episode as we try to slam through an overlarge chunker. First of all, Vanessa's drunk. So there's that. Then there's The Crest Frog, heat rash, the Witches of Brigmore, Dom and sub Orcs, Canadian April Fool's ritu...

Are you ready for Justin to not shut up about being an adventurer? That's right, we've got more Grandia! We board the Steamer off to New Parm and then get in all sorts of wedding-and-ghost-related adventures! This week we learn about so many new things including: Psyduck based body horror, a full explanation of Cleveland Steamers, deck swabbing, the Adventurer Society's toxic workplace culture, fa...

We start Grandia! And it's pretty awesome! That doesn't mean we don't have questions and conundrums about Game Arts's classic PSOne JRPG. These children are in constant danger as we decry Justin's hat, get creeped out by Puff-Puff's nose, get skeeved out by old men hitting on an eight year old, watch children get hit in the face with a serving tray, destroy priceless statues, destabilize an Orc mo...

Phantasy Star IV - Part 5 Hail to the Chief! We finish Phantasy Star IV! And meet Seth, the sexiest PC ever to grace a JRPG party. We plot our ways to escape Planet X, debate whether or not the game gets Disc 3 crazy, give Ken Bone tips on having alternate accounts, we debate whether or not Le Roof is both on fire or an anthropomorphic galaxy, Jim gets obsessed over The Profound Darkness's boobs,...

Phantasy Star IV - Part 4 NEXT GAME ANNOUNCED! We're not saying John slept through the recording of this episode, but he may have slept through the recording of this episode. Topics covered this week include: Le Freak, Laschiec; Laschiec playing a classic game of keep-away with the Eclipse Torch; rating Chaz versus previous terrible RPG protagonists; how Vanessa isn't prepared for Garuberk Tower's...

Phantasy Star IV - Part 3 Matthew connects to USB via a tin can and Jim is still mysteriously unavailable! But that won't stop us here at Square Roots. We discover Vanessa's robo-racism, we learn why you shouldn't use magic on a space ship as per the Liam Niesson movie Non-Stop, meet Raja and his weird dad jokes, have an old southern man diagose the issues with a space station, go on a rocket ride...

Phantasy Star IV - Part 2 Sega's manga-inspired sci-fi epic takes a few, uh, predictable twists and turns as we explore a downed Phantasy Star III colony ship, explore Zio's Fort, and head into a tourist trap town. Topics covered this week include: we lose our Edible Arrangements sponsorship; Matthew ear-shames Rika; Vanessa discovers the secret of instant teleportation; our protagonist dilemma is...

Phantasy Star IV - Part 1 We begin the epic space journey with Alys and Chaz in the town of learning, but something doesn't seem right. Why is the headmaster so evasive? What's up with those monsters in the basement? Is Jim the Hahn of the podcast? Why did we start with Phantasy Star IV? Does the game explain anything about any of its systems? Why is Vanessa so interested in Zio? How many fake lan...