Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Welcome to Square Roots's new spin-off podcast: Scare Roots! That's right, evil friends, we are looking at all things horrifying, disqueting, and sinister in gaming. This episode: we dissect Silent Hill 2. Who is Maria? Why is there a dog controlling everything? Where did Eddie get that pizza? FIND OUT TODAY! Thanks to 1 Coin Only for letting us use their chiptune remix of the Gremlins theme. Chec...

Johnny and Vanessa head deep into the desert wasteland, two-handedly solving all the townsfolk's problems in Junktown and The Hub. Larry David's crime spree? Solved. Attacks on the caravans? Solved. Casino staff being alive? Solved. Johnny's Vault Dweller Joshton and Vanessa's Vanessa Eym may not be the best or most ethical adventurers, but they get stuff done. Mostly. This Week: We play through J...

Yeah! It's time to crawl out of our Vaults and go explore the desert wasteland. On this episode: we deal with 90s UI, talk about hot hot E3 news, have even more problems with 90s UI, try to find brown things on brown floors in brown houses, ignore major plot developments and are otherwise very confused. This Week: We reach Junktown in Fallout 1! Next Week: We play through Junktown and the Hub and...

Finally, Matthew easily plows through Zelda, while John struggles through the finish. With Jim recovering from surgery and Vanessa returning to her home planet it's one more two hander! Topics today include: the death of witch ladies, Nabooru's tragic backstory, Zelda's crystal prison as a metaphor for late capitalism, Persona Q, Fallout excitement, and more! We also get real confused about Zelda...

Things get awkward after Vanessa flies back to her home planet and Jim recovers from surgery: that's right, after the level up this is a TWO-HANDER. John continues his angry rage against Nintendo and Ocarina of Time, Matthew lords his skill at Zelda over him, and they fairly easily complete The Hardest Zelda Dungeon Ever. Also: Vanessa has another Theatre Minute! Was the Zelda experiment a failure...

HEYYYYYY OCARINA. Vanessa gets a theme song, John throws his expensive electronic equipment in a fit of rage, there's tons of minigames, Matthew figures out how to skip entire dungeon sections, and there's many hot takes about this game, it's controls, and for some reason the works of Kevin Smith. This Week: We clear the Fire Temple! Next Week: We somehow complete the Water Temple! Thanks to The C...

Be prepared to throw your 3DS across the room, because Vanessa, Jim, Matthew and John are back and haven't quite mastered the ancient art of z-targeting. At all. Even while using their wrists. So pull on your stilletos, because on this episode: we meet the Great Fairy; we find a town full of strapping, stereotypical fail sons; head through the Dodge Durango dungeon; John falls in love with the Gor...

Hey! Our level up went incredibly long, and was mostly spoilers, so here it is in its own little package. 00:00 - Thrill as we break down The Avengers: Endgame and answer questions that you probably know the answers to!   34:00 - Ready for some Crazy Ex Girlfriend talk? We discuss the good and bad of the ending, Greg, and the results of Rebecca's romantic pursuits!   The Avengers Theme - 8-bit:  h...

We talk about a spoilerzone at the end of the episode, but it turned out to be so beefy we've moved it to a separate episode! Check your feed! It's a new game! We get to Ocarina some Time! We get acquainted with some glowing ladies, a forest boy without a fairy who never talks, get into some deep vore with a tree, explore Jim's arachnophobia, Matthew explains how motion controls work to Jim (move...

With these fateful words, Earthbound comes to a close. We tear through Ness's subconscious, lose Jim, deal with the shock and horror of instakill attacks, and finally learn to use thoughts and prayers to solve a problem. Also: so much body horror. This Week: We finish Earthbound! Next Week: We finish the Lost Woods in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time! Thanks to the Extra Lives for the use of t...

Ness doesn't know who you are. Ness doesn't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you Ness doesn't have money, but what Ness does have are a very particular set of skills. Skills Ness has acquired over a very long career. Skills that make Ness a nightmare for people like you. If you let Apple Kid go now that'll be the end of it. Ness will not look for you, Ness will not purs...

We're going to a pyramid! That's right! We're stealing cultural relics, entering a pastiche of China via Japan, failing to use proper signalling to attain enlightenment, trying to figure out the lyrics to Venus, wake up on a beach after getting a little too blazed on some edibles, and regret Jim's hangover. This Week: We get a submarine! Next Week: We head to Magicant! Thanks to the Extra Lives fo...

Vanessa gets Star Wars crazy on this sprawling episode of Square Roots! We settle on Tony's sexuality while also learning how to spell "Tony", get drugged on a beach, fight the third strongest mole, get hassled by cops, get lost in Moonside for hours, meet a man with a spectacular unibrow, bail the discount Blues Brothers out of another jam, get bored at a concert, enjoy a terrible inventory-stret...

This very important episode is brought to you by physicals. Physicals! Visit your doctor and let them handle your bits today! Also on this episode: Jim and John share bathroom anxiety, missing scenes from Macbeth, another one of John's musical references no one understands, we debate the definition of puzzles, and Vanessa's very upsetting definition of Mr. Saturn. This Week: We reach the Dusty Dun...

The gang ventures into Twoson to solve some cult-related problems. Topics covered this week: the Apple Kid (Steve Jobs) versus the Orange Kid (Steve Wozniak); crashing at the Exit Mouse House; hot takes about the Blues Brothers; PP stealing; even more Hard-R Square Roots; the origins of the name Franklin Badge; and so, so much more! This Week: We hop on the Runaway Five tour bus and head to Threed...

Humans of Earth! Are you ready for... Mother 2? Or Earthbound? Whatever you want to call it! On this episode: Vanessa is on the gargle for St. Patrick's Day, John brings back a beloved segment, Matthew has a Level Up Classic, and Jim engages in Laissez-Faire parenting. Talking points for this episode include: attractive nuisances, Captain Strong's child fight club, at what age a child can confiden...

THE SHOCKING DRAGON AGE FINALE! We find out why only a Grey Warden can defeat an archdemon, Vanessa has to lend out Alistair's chunker, John does a Riordan voice that just annoys Matthew, Jim gives up, Matthew takes the path of ultimate good, no one bothers with Loghain, and we debate whether or not having an elder god in the body of a child is such a great thing to do. This Week: We finish Dragon...

On this exciting episode of Square Roots Johnny is dummy thicc, Matthew is chasing Waterfalls, Vanessa's mom may be the Nanny from Muppet Babies, and Jim is the true Captain Marvel fan. Also: Vanessa is the woman of 1000 Stewarts, forcing yourself into royalty, Battle Alita Toshinden, impromptu Patreon stretch goals, random pitchforkings, and dealing with the future of Ferelden. It's rad! This Wee...

NEXT GAME ANNOUNCED! Matthew, Vanessa, John and SOMEONE ELSE pack up and head to Denerim, harden Alistair, clear out a brothel, fight in alleys, and maybe get the nicest ladies in the party to try and murder you. Talking points include a village where everyone acts like people in a creepy Stephen King community, adopting the "money pweez" roleplaying stance, The Wynne Button, and settling the Brot...

Vanessa, Matthew and The Gay One link arms as we descend into the creepy, spooky, goopy depths of the Deep Roads! We're joined by the handsome dwarf Oghren, watch as he gets an aximonious divorce, summon the power of Andraste, and more! Topics discussed include: Matt's Mom's MMO Moments, Caridin's big ol' chest, hot political debates between Harrowmont and Bhalen, face blasting, top level PUBG str...

We dive head first into a Shakespearean Dwarf drama as we interfere with the politics of Orzimarr on this intrieguing episode of Square Roots. Highlights include: trying to figure out what the show Banshee is about, and it's either about wendigos, special forces, or real estate developers. Also: sexy, sexy Dwarf men, the DLC golem Shale, KITTY GLOWY EYES, the TV show Magicians, what The Great Brit...

  We almost plunge into a full-on Square Roots this week with a wizard who asks you lots of complicated questions, and with a rhyming tree with a sexy / gross request. Also this week: Matthew's werewolf love, shem shaming, Ticklefeather the werewolf, sleepytime camp, and trying in vain to define an RPG. This Week: We solve the plight of the forest elves! Next Week: We pick a side in the Dwarf Disp...

Are the Tranquil ideal romantic partners? Exactly 50% of the podcast thinks so. Also this episode: we get sleepy with demons, talk with Tim Curry without realizing it, journey into the fade for a looooooooong time, the benefits of bringing Morrigan to important plot points, Vanessa's non-ideal makeouts, and so much more! This Week: We clear the Circle Tower and finish Redcliffe Castle! Next Week:...

Get all of the taint juice in your mouth in this savory, sweaty episode of Square Roots! Matthew is sick, but we experience the joining, meet Matthew's new girlfriend Morrigan, have some good times with Momma Janeway, John riffs on Bann Tegan in a very confusing way, Jim makes some GIF-able moments, and we rescue Bohdan and Sandal! So many exciting adventures are contained within. Also: Vanessa me...

Vanessa goes Steve Valentine crazy and doesn't even have to tell us he's a magician as we start the year off with our first episode of BioWarey / JanuBioWarey. It's chock-a-block with origin stories, including the surprising fact that we all made female characters, Vanessa's family's bloody ending, Jim being pushed into a life of crime, Matthew consorting with Blood Mages whose names he can't reme...