Singles Partners Marrieds Long Time Marrieds Podcast

Send us Fan Mail Part 1 of 5 of an interview with Caroline Brown of -  This Crazy over 40s Life - a Black & ethnicity perspective Intergenerational Trauma. What’s that about? Inherited culture and how scripts get passed on like a baton in a relay race. Does it need to stop with you and not get passed on to your next generation (the Children)? So difficult to break out of boundaries and shackle...

Send us Fan Mail Let's look at: Transactional Analysis, Personality Types and Ego States Understand the person and you begin to understand what causes or contributes to conflicts. A little insight into Personality or psychological types (as a theory that explains some of the differences in people’s behaviors) can prove useful. There are predictable differences in individuals which show by the...

Send us Fan Mail "A friend asks, "Tell me one word which is significant in any kinds of relationship." Another friend says, "LISTEN!" — Santosh Kalwar  As we continue to Repair broken communication in the couple because of Sex/Porn/Love Addiction trauma damage - recognise there is a big difference between Listening and Hearing.  Sometimes we need to think outside of the bo...

Send us Fan Mail When we are communicating, the information is passing through the filters of the different structures of the brain. We all have filters.  The message being transmitted is going through the receiver, but the receiver has filters and that means the message can come out the other end looking very different to what went in and was received. A damaged or compromised brain may incorrect...

Send us Fan Mail During Communication, our body demeanour is going to give us away. Know the facts about the body and how you might have trained it to 'tell on you'! When we first meet someone we form a very strong impression of them within the first 40 seconds. We form a lasting opinion of them within the first 4 minutes. Our opinion will influence the way in which we respond and behave...

Send us Fan Mail Put these tools into your armoury of resources to help you communicate more effectively: John Grays ' Men are from mars and women are from Venus ' is still worth a read. Also (although a somewhat provocative title) 'Men don't listen and women can't read maps' - is worth reading. Both books remind us that there is a difference between how masculinity a...

Send us Fan Mail Listening effectively is a very valuable gift to someone. It is costly. It values the other person. It is learned and must be practiced. There is a difference between hearing and listening. Listening means that the information stops in the brain and is processed and digested. When information is not digested, then you will find you did not really listen to it and take it in and it...

Send us Fan Mail Remember our foundational question: ' Do you enter a conversation to be understood or to understand ?' Communication is like a bicycle wheel. Picture the two of you riding along the road to your destination, but not getting very far because both wheels on your tandem bicycle are buckled. You will get to your destination, but not very fast and it is taking more effort to...

Send us Fan Mail Split agendas and contrary motives - that are hidden from each other. Is that you? Jake & Jasmine on the seesaw of life , illustrates it. There are appearances, but below the surface of the relationship may be there is entrenched Emotional Disengagement . Couples engage in a dance for years, re-acting and counter re-acting to each others actions and inactions. A dance. A dance...

Send us Fan Mail Does that image of the mules describe your relationship? of course not you, but your partner!  Each trying to get their needs met. Those Core Emotional Needs. Remember that Core Emotional Needs are not negotiable. They want to be met and Fight/Flight/ Freeze will play out where they have been depleted for some time. (This dynamic is all so unconscious and not readily visible). Mov...

Send us Fan Mail Couples counselling is not necessarily about keeping a couple together at all. All about exploring options. Also to help you both gain insight and understanding about self and how you do life, as an individual.  Whether a Partnership or a marriage, these things are true: “ Marriage is not the coming together of two people. It’s a clash of two cultures, two experiences, two memorie...

Send us Fan Mail Building new foundations for the couple: Take a look at the Different Relationship Images document attached to this Podcast. I try to bypass language as much as possible. Feelings do not always tell the truth. We can be very English. Very British! Question: " How are you today ". Answer: " I'm fine thank you ". Observation after the automatic response: &qu...

Send us Fan Mail We fall in love with 'Differenceness' and 'Sameness'. Over the years, we can become dissatisfied with the unconscious differences of a partner, that is now in the conscious. So we set about trying to change them to be more like us, since those visible and conscious differences are no longer seemingly acceptable or wanted.  We consciously now only want the samen...

Send us Fan Mail Highs and lows of the Couples relationship is a given. What impacts you, may not impact a partner and vice versa. Childhood development personality and characteristic sharping experiences, play a significant part in that process. Some partners need to take their shoes off and step into the shoes of the other partner in order to see the relationship from that partner's vantage...

Send us Fan Mail Early relationships (often with our parents) has a very powerful impact on the blueprint of partner choice. They are unconsciously looked at as being able to repair those childhood wounds. We often seek a blueprint that “fits” ours. When we meet a potential partner, we have an opportunity to re-Attach to a loved person, just like (or better than) the Attachment bonding we had with...

Send us Fan Mail At the beginning of the couples therapy session, I like to ask a first question - 'How did you guys meet?' Telling the story will reveal the greater truth about where the couple are at in the conflict. Has the loving got snuffed out or is there a glimmer of light that may still be turned up.  Is there a split agenda? Are there ulterior motives for one or both turning up...

Send us Fan Mail When there is conflict in the couples relationship, sex and intimacy becomes the first casualty which fly out the window. It is very difficult (sometimes feels impossible) to physically touch the person with whom you are in conflict. Yet, touch is exactly what you need to do to begin to break down the walls set in place by conflict. Touch is then so very, very impossible to do. Th...

Send us Fan Mail Over 90% of couples that The Kairos Centre counsel, are in conflict because Core Emotional Needs are not being met. Some of those Core Emotional Needs are such things as lack of Security, Respect, Comfort, Affection, Respect. They are not negotiable human needs. They want to be met and we will fight/flight/freeze to get them met. We do an interesting exercise with Couples and Sing...

Send us Fan Mail Here is a summary of some of the topics covered in the programme: “An Eclectic mix” of counselling and psychotherapy models. Those models include psychodynamic, Systemic, CBT, EMDR, EFT, Gottman, how the past has its tentacles in our present and is affecting our future; moving as much issues from the unseen (the unconscious); bring about change – over time. Not quickly, but by sma...