Secret Sesh

I shit my pants today. It sucked.

If you so much as smell that Gatorade in the fridge, I'm going to be furious. That's my special Gatorade and how it came to be such: I thought I might have sex- why, you ask? Well, I had no reason, really. Other than the wind. Which speaks to me in whispers upon gusts of pigeon coos. Regardless, I wanted to prepare for what laid ahead. I stopped at the grocery store. Upon entry, I not only...

In all seriousness. Like all jokes aside. There was a moment in this where I got scared by the Fibonacci Sequence.

"Scream for your friend!" The words were as stale as the crust on the back tag of his underwear. He was about 41 at the time. Limber, but aged like the old oak that his dad built a treehouse in back when Paul was 13. Oh, Paul. Whatever happened to Paul????

Omfg!!!! I got Liz Phair to do the pod!!!!

If cows could milk themselves... man, we'd probably never see them again.

Yeah man, this shit. This shit right here is the bees’ mothetfucking knees. I don’t think bees actually have knees. Makes you wonder.

Shit, the horsies got through the damn barn door, again. I thought I locked it tighter last night. Well, I'll be a horsie's ass if I do that again. Aw man, the chickens are fartin' out a butt storm. I shouldn't have done this farm Airbnb.

Ok, I got into a fight with my cat, Zenon, while she was ripping up paper on my desk. My other cat, Philly, walked in at some point. I hit the transcribe button and this is what happened: stop that. Hey Zenon stop Z put it down you're looking at me like you're gonna do something Zenon. Stop hey hey hey stop hey hey get down hey oh Philly what's up dude's Zenon come here get in the...

Man, I am fucking bummed. But that doesn't stop the brittle from brattle- you know what I mean? I'm talking soft cats and pretzels of the also soft nature. Can you dig it??? It's been DUG!!!!

Here we are, at the precipice of collapse. All seems lost, but rest assured- there is gold in my ass. I've put sixteen gold bars in various asses around New York City. If you can find the golden ass bar, you can trade it in for a voucher that will give you a code that allows you one (1) vending machine item, every day. That's right, exchange the bar of ass gold and you can get Doritos for...

I like to think of myself as a pretty smart guy. Like I have taste and culture, and here I am naming an episode of my secret fucking podcast "PeePants: The Story of One Man's Poopy Peepee." I'm 33 years old. I should have a family. Or at least someone's family. Can I have your family? Let's make a deal, here. Come on- let me be your father. I'd be a good dad- or I thi...

Dude, sometimes I think I am a real bonehead. Other times, I think I'm a real Sasquatch. I think you get what I'm saying.

Sometimes you gotta take it back to Bermuda. Where the grass is green, or at least, I think it probably is. I've never been to Bermuda and fuck you for trying to give me guff about it. Why I oughta... honestly, I'm gonna probably look into how to best make an incredibly buttery and heart-stopping pretzel at home. Auntie Anne's style- the big time. There actually used to be a great spot...

I've mistaken multiple ducks for geese, but I've never found a goose be golden* *That being said, I am colorblind

My grandma’s finger tips! These were the last images I could recall when the morphine drip hit my veins. Let’s make the sausage, boys.

Gloves. Balls. Bats. These are all in my friend's sex dungeon. He is 13 feet tall and doesn't have many allies. But I stand by him, left, right, and center (but not center right). There will be blood, there will be pie, there will be a lot of fun to be had at my friend's sex dungeon party! Make sure that you come in your Sunday* best! We'll have punch, we'll get drunk, and we'll all make love in m...

Dude, I got an insane calzone tonight. It was pretty awesome because I was able to utilize a buy 1 get 1 (BOGO) deal. Unfortunately, they did not add in the sausage I requested. Rats. Luckily, I was refunded the $4 for the cost- which is actually $2 more because of how the coupon factored in sausage to both. I also robbed a candy store but only took the sour stuff. Keep your money. Capitalism has...

Uh oh, there’s trouble in hunk town. We’ve got holes to fill!

Lightning crashes A new mother cries Her placenta falls to the floor The angel opens her eyes The confusion sets in Before the doctor can even close the doorLightning crashes An old mother dies Her intentions fall to the floor The angel closes her eyes The confusion that was hers Belongs now to the baby down the hallOh, now I feel it coming back again Like a rolling thunder chasing the wind Forces...

I heard the ring a ding ding and the lights went "dim"

Wheel's stuck in the mud again. Gonna be a long Summer.

Sometimes they come at night. Sometimes they come in the morning. Sometimes they don't come at all. Your parents do have a lot of sex, though.

The sticks is loose and the forest is free. What's in your wallet? I am so fucking hungry.

You sir, are a gnome to the first degree. And I'll hear no more on the matter.