School of Schlock

When women a group of women are irradiated and have their DNA mixed with that of bees, what is it that they want? Apparently the answer is lots of sex! Join Tom and Ryan as they are subjected to a terrible softcore sci-fi film that prompts discussions about press conferences, bad lighting, and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Try as you might, you won't soon forget Invasion of the Bee Girls! Episo...

The Corman Crew cranked out another face-meltingly poor horror film, and Tom and Ryan get to sit through it! Not even the trio of Jack Nicholson, Boris Karloff, and Francis Ford Coppola can save this snoozer of a ghost story that reads like a discarded early draft from Edgar Allen Poe. So give a listen as we talk about editing errors, the Jack Nicholson voice, and demonized femininity in The Terro...

2017 was a tough year in many ways, but what was it like in the School of Schlock? From Bucket of Blood to Santa Claus, we take the list of films we watched this year and determine the worst of the worst, including Worst Character, Worst Moment or Line, Worst Visual. We also make final judgment on what was our Worst Films of the Year. This is the way to start 2018 off right! Happy New Year!   Epis...

Ho ho ho! Santa has to fight the Devil for the souls of earth's children, but with a little Merlin magic and Santa's army of child laborers, Christmas just might be saved! Tom and Ryan take in this delightful, terrifying holiday romp, and along the way they tackle such Yuletide topics as Western views of Africa, using a traveling carnival to launch your film career, and what an alternate-reality v...

What do you get if you take the director of the Poseidon Adventure, add in Sean Connery, Karl Malden, Henry Fonda, and Natalie Wood, and mix in some experienced screenwriters tackling one of the hottest genres of their time? The answer is: you get a big boring mess! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about Oscar winning people, learn who was complimented by Charlie Chaplin, find out what happens when...

Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...no, we're not watching The Princess Bride this week, but instead a crappy 1960s fantasy that indulges the many tropes of fantasy films while also doing nothing with them! Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss fantasy-relevant topics such as Sherlock Holmes, "freak show" voyeurism, and terrible Irish accents....

The horror-comedy genre has a long and storied tradition of pretty terrible films, but this might just stand head-and-shoulders above the rest! Listen to Tom and Ryan talk about such timely topics as the 1980 Olympics, the rescue of baby Jessica, and musical numbers on mini-golf courses! So get that submarine out of your stomach and listen to our review of Saturday the 14th Strikes Back!   Episode...

A mad scientist is hell-bent on making a woman beautiful again after a waffle iron accident leaves her mildly scarred. Tom and Ryan discuss all the ins and outs of this cheesy sci-fi horror flick, such as the ways in which all-engulfing flames can leave minor scars, the things that Billy Idol and this movie have in common, and the many mistreatments of women that can be packed into an hour and twe...

Tom and Ryan settle in to enjoy a Western film with plenty of dueling, the way it was meant to be done: with epees and machetes. They also get into the topics of "indentured servitude," dying for honor, and the prospect of JFK giving speeches about sugar. Hold tight to your flat, Midwestern accents, because it's time to enjoy the whitest creole culture you've ever seen in Duel on the Mississippi!...

What do you do when a monster from space is threatening Japan? Why, you send in Tom, Ryan, and the most adorable kaiju you can find to take care of it! We review this family-friendly, super 70s Japanese monster film, and along the way get into discussions about theme songs, marvel at the artistic might of Toho, and put on our worst Boston accentsfor a boardroom presentation. Ride along with us on...

Special guest Brian joins Tom and Ryan to talk about another 1970s horror cheese-fest that includes Sam Elliott, miscellaneous amphibians, and a whole lot of clumsy deaths. The discussion naturally veers to such topics as the coloration of film credits, largemouth bass making dolphin noises, and Ted, the failed creature wrangler. Nothing will get in the way of your special day if you listen in to...

Special guest Lacey joins Tom and Ryan to discuss an early 60s beach-party horror musical that's somewhat lacking in beaches, music, or horror. Along the way they try to determine what words are okay to use on the Internet, whether fish-creatures qualify as zombies, and what needs to happen to turn Eulabelle into the greatest film protagonist of all time. Join us as we zombie stomp our way through...

Special guest Claude joins us for an XL-sized episode that's chock-full of talk about a weird, Lynchian zombie film from the 1970s. Along the way we tackle such important questions as: When will video games stop using audio diaries? What do you do if you're being watched by Lee Harvey Oswald? Is Howard the Duck a scarier horror movie than this film? And is it okay to knit while going to the theate...

Special guest Raven joins us from Fantom Comics in D.C. to talk about a movie that misses the mark when it comes to blockbuster superhero action. Listen in as we talk about car theft, diners that house secret bases, and a President willing to kick some ass in the name of environmentalism. Raven also helps us try to reconcile this film's plot with the actual backstory of the comic book characters i...

Special guest Spencer joins us from "High and Low: A Kurosawa Podcast" to discuss what is most assuredly NOT a Kurosawa film: a cheaply made chopsocky kung fu film from Taiwan. Join us as we answer the most pressing questions about this movie, such as: which costumes would RuPaul wear? Does the film meet the criteria for Six Degrees of Wu-Tang? And is this all really an allegory for a Chinese rest...

The Master would approve of this very special one year anniversary episode as Tom and Ryan tackle a cult classic and one of the worst films of all time, Manos: The Hands of Fate! Come listen to the story of how Manos came to be and find out exactly why this film is so terrible in every regard. Our one piece of advice? Never make a bet with a fertilizer salesman.     Episode Time Stamps   0:05:04 -...

A mirror-wearing monster from the future is on the loose in central Florida! Or at least it is for the last 15 minutes of this 1958 piece of sci-fi dreck. Before that, Tom and Ryan have to sit through reverse-carbon-dating, selfish scientists, air-headed secretaries, peeping toms, and tons of wasted potential in Terror from the Year 5000! At least Tom learns a little something about Avatar: The La...

Who do you call when earthquakes are threatening to destroy the planet? Apparently you call some bland seismologists and a whole bunch of stock footage, if this Fred F. Sears snooze-fest is to be believed. Join Tom and Ryan as they watch a film about falling rocks, women abandoning successful careers to get married, and a whole lot of Element 112. Try to contain your violent reactions as we review...

The name "Sidney Pink" elicits reactions from nearly everyone; those reactions usually include "Huh?" "Who's that?" and "What are you talking about?" That's why we're on the second film in our Sidney Pink block: Journey to the Seventh Planet! Come listen to Tom and Ryan discuss one-eyed ferrets, imaginary women (and the men who love them), and of course petty, sentient brain-creatures! Join us and...

Icons of Danish culture include Hamlet, Hans Christian Andersen, and Soren Kierkegaard. Well finally, Tom and Ryan are happy to welcome a giant prehistoric reptile to the ranks of Danish superstardom in a 1960s monster movie that comes straight from Scandinavia! Thrill as they discuss Danish amusement parks, Dustin Hoffman, aimless scientific experiments, and the worst example of farmer-eating eve...

A rogue pilot and a mystical lightsaber-wielding warrior team up to fight against a planet-sized, galaxy-threatening evil! No, it's not A New Hope. And no, it's not The Force Awakens. It's a film that's more like the ADD-diagnosed version of Star Wars. It's a film with omniscient characters, Southwestern robots, and David Hasselhoff. It's a film that stops the flow of time. It's...Starcrash!     E...

When people from the 1980s get sucked into a transdimensional teleporter and wind up in another world, it's up to Tom and Ryan to watch them slowly try to escape! Will a balding warlord stand in their way? How does Battlestar Galactica relate to all of this? Would a Memento-like version of this film be better? And what about the watch??? We attempt to answer all of these questions when we discuss...

The Earth is about to be destroyed by a doomsday machine, and it's up to a few remaining humans to go into space to escape! It's also up to Tom and Ryan to suffer through this painfully dull film. Listen in as they discuss death via airlock, interplanetary narrators, and the best way to get your grandma out of the gulag. Keep Khrushchev on speed-dial, because we're talking about The Doomsday Machi...

How does a sexploitation film stack up against our usual B-movie fare? What exactly does "nudie-cutie" mean? How common is it for men to transform into dogs? Tom and Ryan search for the answers to these questions and many more in Dr. Sex, a film about exactly what you would expect: mannequins, ghosts, and abstract art!     Episode Time Stamps   0:03:40 - Film Summary   0:21:07 - Film Background   ...

It's the second film in our Roger Corman comedy-horror block! This time a vicious sea monster is out to kill some criminals smuggling Cuban treasure into the United States--and you thought the Bay of Pigs was bad! Put your ear to the door and listen as Tom and Ryan (alias: Ryan and Tom) dream of the Corman film factory, trade all of their utilities for Park Place, and learn how this film is linked...