School of Schlock

We've already seen one film about a human head being kept alive by grotesque experimentation. How about another?? And this time we're revisiting a schlock "classic," an all-timer of a bad film. Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about cat fights, remakes, and of course James Bond films with "Brain" in the title! It's our review of The Brain That Wouldn't Die!   Time stamps: 0:05:55 - Background 0:21:2...

There's nothing like an old-fashioned murder mystery to get the mind turning and the blood pumping. And if we add Vincent Price to the mix, what could go wrong? Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss charisma, causality, and common sense (or a lack thereof). Slip on your clawed gloves and listen to our review of The Bat!   Time stamps: 0:03:05 - Background 0:22:55 - Back-of-the-Box Summary 0:33:45 - No...

Tom and Ryan are keeping their youth with an invigorating beauty product! No one would argue that The Fly isn't a lesson in gross-out body horror...but what if a human was crossed with a wasp? Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss all things waspy, from beauty products to bad special effects to re-used film scores. Get buzzing for our review of The Wasp Woman!   Time stamps: 0:04:00 - Background 0:23:...

You probably shouldn't watch a sequel without seeing the film it's a sequel of, but we're going to do it anyway! And really, watching the first Universal Soldier won't improve this one. Join Tom and Ryan as we talk about unnecessary sequels, sexy mustaches, robotic acting, and Magic planeswalkers. It's our review of Universal Soldier II: Brothers in Arms!   Time stamps: 0:03:40 - Background 0:29:1...

Cowboys versus natives has been a trope of the Western genre for as long as the genre has existed, with countless movies depicting the conflict. So why not add one more tired cinematic experience to that unfathomably long list? Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss this trope and related topics, like cow puns, One Life to Live, and misleading opening narrations. It's our review of Against a Crooked Sk...

Mad Max may have shown us that in the post-apocalypse we drive gas-guzzling modified death machines everywhere...but what if cars aren't available? How will we navigate the violence-torn streets? This movie has the answer: rollerblades! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about hate groups, non-threatening modes of transport, and bad slow-mo. It's our review of Prayer of the Rollerboys!   Time stamps:...

2021 wasn't much better than 2020, but did the films we watched this year match the year's quality? Which characters were the worst of the worst? Which moments are burned into our brains? And what visuals scarred our eyeballs? Find out in our annual Schlocky Awards for 2021!   Time Stamps: 0:03:10 - Explanation, Film List, and Lifetime Achievement Award 0:09:45 - Worst Character 0:50:00 - Worst Mo...

The crazed consumerism of Christmas calls for consequential critiques! But can this action-star-fueled family Christmas comedy deliver the goods? Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss holiday toy crazes, cartoon physics, and getting into the true holiday spirit. It's our review of Jingle All the Way!   Time stamps: 0:05:05 - Background 0:32:45 - Back-of-the-Box Summary 0:46:10 - Notable Scenes 0:53:10...

After so many old B-movies, it can feel refreshing to watch a Hollywood blockbuster that you remember seeing in theaters. But does this tale of campy vampires, sexy werewolves, and horny priests actually hold up? Join Tom, Ryan, and special guest Jess to talk about all the important elements of an action adventure film, like dubious accents, unused weaponry, and Spanish guitar! It's our review of...

Hot on the heels of our last family adventure film, it's...another family adventure movie? This time there's bayou kids facing down a Bigfoot-esque monster in the middle of a hurricane! Sound exciting? It isn't! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about bayou accents, Gilligan's Island (and Planet), and a new competitor for worst song on the podcast. It's our review of Return to Boggy Creek!   Time sta...

Who doesn't love a good family adventure film--movies that are entertaining for whole family, packed with comedy, action, and drama? Sadly, that's not what we have here. Join Tom and Ryan as they watch kids surf and fight ninjas. We also talk about cotton candy, running gags, Leslie Nielsen, and answering machines! So grab a board and listen to our review of Surf Ninjas!   Time stamps: 0:03:20 - B...

Happy Halloween! It's time for the creepiest, scariest thing in movies: remakes! Join Tom and Ryan as they sit down to watch a horror remake of the first movie they ever watched for this podcast! And of course there will be such relevant topics as John Waters, Lisa Loeb, zoetrope machines, and figuring out when a house just isn't a house. Keep your head and listen to our review of House on Haunted...

Prophecies! Quests! Hunting for missing treasures! A day at the Renaissance Faire! This family-friendly medieval(?) adventure has it all! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about the aforementioned RenFaires, Archimedes's No Girls Allowed policy, the duality of man, and of course Hotlantis. It's our review of Quest of the Delta Knights!   Time stamps: 0:05:00 - Background 0:23:50 - Back-of-the-Box Sum...

Take a crime drama, sprinkle in a little romance, and top with a noir sensibility, and what do you get? You get a dull 1950s also-ran that plods along with some second-rate Bogart impressions. Join Tom and Ryan as they talk all about this un-thrilling thriller, as well as tragic deaths, Writing Film Noir for Idiots, and disappointing child actors. It's our review of 1959's Counterplot!   Time stam...

Everyone remembers Twilight, the romance novels featuring vampires and werewolves and babies and other imaginary creatures. Well now, from the writer a Twilight, we have a teen romance sci-fi adventure that's all about bodies and minds! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about a film with a stacked cast and crew, as well as important topics like the geometry of co-synchronous points, giant spider inva...

We've already seen a Snowbeast from the 1970s, so what about a 2011 remake/spiritual successor? And why did someone decide this was a good idea in the first place? Join Tom and Ryan as they try to reason out this movie's existence, as well as talking on such topics as predator feeding behaviors, the use and abuse of horror tropes, and The Dukes of Hazzard! Snowboard your way down into our review o...

Most folks agree: natural disasters are some of the scariest disasters around! Unpredictable and almost impossible to stop, Mother Nature sometimes takes her anger out on humanity. So what happens when her wrath takes the form of bees? Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss bee science, Mission Impossible, powder-blue suits, and the helpfulness of Voodoo. We hope you'll swarm to our review of The Savag...

What are you gonna do when you've got seven years in the slammer for a murder you didn't commit? Who will be there to help spring you from the joint? And what if that joint just so happens to be on a spaceship? These questions can only be answered by an exploitative 80s action film! Join Tom and Ryan as they mull these quandaries, as well as discussing underground metal bands, goofs on game shows,...

To celebrate five glorious years of reviewing some of the worst films ever made, we are finally reviewing Tommy Wiseau's cult classic, a film so bad that it has become a mainstay of midnight screenings and has spawned countless memes online. Join Tom and Ryan as they subject themselves to this experience and talk about spoons, money-laundering, method-acting Olympians, and the perils of having fri...

Everyone loves a good meeting! And whether it's Abbott and Costello Meet the Wolfman or the The Jetsons Meet the Flintstones, cinematic meetings also carry all the oomph and pizzazz of a work-related get-together. Join Tom and Ryan as they review and discuss one such meeting, as well as talking about putting capital over workers, bad line reads, and a hero who cries when someone disrespects the fl...

Yub nub! Star Wars may conjur up images of epic battles, flying starships, and incredible Force powers, but it also brings to mind a group of cute, cuddly creatures: the Ewoks! Join Tom, Ryan, and special guest (and Star Wars expert) Greg to discuss one of the two Ewok-centered Star Wars movies. We also touch on related topics, like the Viet Cong, Lost, and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer! So put d...

We've got another big fight on our hands! This time the combatants in this supernatural slugfest are an undead guardian of ancient treasures and a Frankensteinian cyborg! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about epic fights, reused footage, forensic science, and getting rich via grave-robbing. It's our review of The Robot vs the Aztec Mummy!   Time stamps: 0:03:55 - Background 0:13:35 - Back-of-the-Bo...

Zombification. Regeneration. Keeping parts alive after they've been severed from the body. These are some classic themes of the horror genre, and ideas that are all over this 1950s German flick. Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss horror tropes, German Expressionism, body-swapping, and nepotism in police departments! For at the head of all masterpieces of horror film review that you've ever heard, y...

It's time to revisit the golden age of cinema for a 1940s comedy-adventure-horror! It's a movie that dares to make you laugh and tries to scare you with zombies and casual racism. Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss dated comedy, forgotten actors, and voodoo rituals (with a hint of druidic magic). Become one of the gang and listen to our review of King of the Zombies!   Time stamps: 0:07:20 - Backgr...

Let's travel back in time to when Hawaii wasn't a state and the Pacific Islands were mysterious to most (white) Americans! Two 1950s beefcakes are accused of murder and are stranded on a vaguely-Hawaiian island...what will they do to escape? Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss exploitation tourism, David Crosby, the Bahá'i Faith, and fingers pointing at maps. It's our review of the Roger Corman "cla...