School of Schlock

It's not often that we come across a movie that makes us reflect on the big questions: what is art? What qualifies as a movie? Why the hell did we watch this? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk self-aggrandizing actors, dream logic editing, katana-wielding priests, and of course, Zen filmmaking. It's our review of The Legend of the Rollerblade Seven! Time stamps: 0:03:45 - Background 0:30:40 - Summary...

There's a rogue agent looking to unleash a wave of terror on the world, and only a proto-Charlie's Angels squad of female agents can stop him! Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss super-imposed explosions, surprise assassinations, and undermined female empowerment. It's our review of The Doll Squad!   Time stamps: 0:03:35 - Background 0:23:10 - Summary 0:34:15 - Notable Scenes 0:44:30 - The Good 0:51...

A meteorite has awakened a primitive beast from its slumber in the Pacific Northwest. How will a bunch of 1970s hillbillies stop its murder spree? Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss surprising special effects collaborations, condensed plot arcs, and bad British accents. It's our review of The Crater Lake Monster!   Time stamps: 0:03:40 - Background 0:18:30 - Back-of-the-Box Summary 0:29:55 - Notabl...

It was only a matter of time before we ended up reviewing a SyFy original movie, and our desire to revisit the disaster film genre has led us to doing just that. The disaster this time? Earthquakes! Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss phoned-in performances, stealth lasers, and shoe-meltingly bad effects. It's our review of Megafault!   Time stamps: 0:03:40 - Background 0:28:50 - Back-of-the-Box Sum...

It's time for some classic Roger Corman, and this time we're looking at one of his earlier films, a horror monster movie with a classic sci-fi bent. Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss liquid shellfish, never-ending action, and The Professor from Gilligan's Island. It's our review of Attack of the Crab Monsters!   Time stamps: 0:03:40 - Background 0:24:40 - Back-of-the-Box Summary 0:38:10 - Notable...

Rocky, Million-Dollar Baby, Real Steel...just how many fighting sport films are out there, anyway? This film makes the case that there's at least one too many! Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss porno credits, wrestling vs kickboxing, and Maine-based community theater. It's our review of Final Impact!   Time stamps: 0:02:30 - Background 0:22:00 - Back-of-the-Box Summary 0:31:40 - Notable Scenes 0:4...

Foreign sci-fi films are our bread and butter, so how could we resist watching a late 60s Italian film about brave atronauts meeting troubled aliens? Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss Mombasa, Level 4 specimens, and the most successful sci-fi book series ever made. It's our review of Mission Stardust!   Time stamps: 0:04:15 - Background 0:16:25 - Back-of-the-Box Summary 0:29:30 - Notable Scenes 0:...

2022 was the year we came out of and/or started ignoring the pandemic, but did the movies this year make us sick? Which visual was the most stomach-churning? Which terrible moment is seared into our memories? And what exciting first is happening for our awards this year? Find out in the 2022 Schlocky Awards!   Time Stamps: 0:03:25 - Explanation, Film List, and Lifetime Achievement Award 0:12:50 -...

Ho ho ho! It's our seasonal holiday episode, and we're once again tackling a Christmas romance that doesn't deliver! This time it's former sweethearts who have gone their separate ways...but can the magic of the season bring them back together? Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss beauty pagent drama, movie Santas, bad sound production, and real-life rom-coms. It's our review of The Christmas Coupon!...

More Roger Corman?? Say it ain't so! We've got a depressing 1950s morality tale all about the corrupting influence of money, power, and worst of all--women! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about professional safecrackers, precise timing, and swift conclusions. It's our review of High School Big Shot!   Time stamps: 0:03:55 - Background 0:21:50 - Back-of-the-Box Summary 0:35:00 - Notable Scenes 0:43...

There's almost a comfort in returning to the sword-and-sorcery genre. It's time for an 80s fantasy film inspired by Heavy Metal aesthetics that isn't shy about indulging in excess. Join Tom and Ryan as they talk bad beheadings, non-stop nudity, and evasive editing in this cheesy flick. It's our review of Deathstalker!   Time stamps: 0:03:20 - Background 0:17:40 - Back-of-the-Box Summary 0:24:25 -...

Back-to-back weeks of terrible film! We've seen some of the worst that cinema has to offer, but is it possible that we've watched two all-time bad movies right in a row? Join Tom and Ryan as they swim with the sharks and talk about awful acting, atrocious audio, and some of the creepiest (in a bad way) scenes we've ever been subjected to. It's our review of 2016 atrocity Shark Exorcist.   Time sta...

We've been through some of the worst films in cinematic history. We survived Plan 9. Made it through Manos. Pushed through The Room. But is this the worst film we've ever watched for this podcast? Join Tom, Ryan, and special guest Mike as they discuss a romantic comedy that must be one of the lows of cinema, while also getting in some comments about David Lynch, ducks, and video game hero Gex. It'...

Sometimes genre films cross lines and blend together disparate elements to make compelling viewing. But despite the talent of actors like Jack Palance, Westworld this isn't. Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about proper experiment procedures, love trapezoids, and killing for fun and profit. It's our review of Welcome to Blood City!   Time stamps: 0:04:30 - Background 0:24:45 - Back-of-the-Box Summar...

It's time to check out a legend of the silver screen, Bela Lugosi in a late-career cheap thriller that isn't exactly Dracula. Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss the relative opacity of spirits, disappearing spouses, and executing the wrong person for a crime. It's our review of The Invisible Ghost!   Time stamps: 0:03:30 - Background 0:27:40 - Back-of-the-Box Summary 0:43:25 - Notable Scenes 0:51:0...

What's more exciting than transportation logistics? If you said "anything," then we'd like to change your mind with this 70's made-for-TV action film about truckin'! Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss highway weight limits, one-sheriff towns, and good truckin' buddies. It's our review of Hijack!   Time stamps: 0:03:50 - Background 0:23:25 - Back-of-the-Box Summary 0:33:05 - Notable Scenes 0:41:35 -...

We do plenty of genre pictures on this podcast, but one genre we've rarely looked at is the romantic drama. It's high time we rectified that by watching this ice-cold clunker from the 80's about a bubble boy and his rocker love interest! Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss plate glass sex scenes, whiny main characters, and the various state requirements for getting legally married. It's our discussi...

It's the mid-2000s and fantasy is IN thanks to Lord of the Rings! Unfortunately wer're stuck with a D-grade attempt at an LotR-style fantasy movie based on a video game, headed by Uwe Boll. Join Tom and Ryan as they talk action stars, over-acting, and cramming too much plot into one poorly paced film. It's our review of In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale!   Time stamps: 0:04:10 - Backgr...

Finally it's time to tackle a good ol' buddy-style action-comedy! And what better buddy pair could we ask for than Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson? Join Tom and Ryan as they look at a sequel that kicks and punches its way through London. On the way they'll discuss writing v. fighting, British imperialism, and blowing up Donnie Yen with a firework. It's our review of Shanghai Knights!   Time stamps: 0:...

What can you do about a group fo delinquent kids chopping up cars for parts? What about delinquent kids playing bad 50s rock 'n' roll? Join Tom and Ryan as they attempt to answer these pressing questions, as well as discuss important topics like driving chickens, the target audience at drive-ins, and incompetent detectives. It's our review of the 1961 crime drama The Choppers!   Time stamps: 0:04:...

Gamera is a friend to all children and a foe to anyone who wants to destroy Expo 70! Yes, we're back with another kaiju film starring everyone's favorite giant turtle. Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about scenic green space in the lungs, the Tower of the Sun, and how to stay safe when your city is being seiged by giant monsters. Strap into your tiny submarine for our review of Gamera vs Jiger!   T...

Ewoks! Ewoks! Ewoks! It's the second made-for-TV-and-British-theaters Ewoks adventure film, this time with our favorite Liberty Mutual spokesman, Wilford Brimley. Join Tom, Ryan, and special guest and Star Wars expert Greg as they talk about horse colors, bad masks, and super-speedy Teeks. It's our review of Ewoks: The Battle for Endor!   Time stamps: 0:04:25 - Background 0:23:35 - Back-of-the-Box...

What can be better than a classic cozy murder mystery? A young woman is murdered 13 years to the day after her father died mysteriously at a dinner party. What's going on? And whodunnit? Join Tom and Ryan as they try to solve the mystery while also discussing famous brothels, Scooby-Doo, and the one and only Ginger Rogers. It's our review of The Thirteenth Guest!   Time stamps: 0:04:25 - Backgroun...

We've already seen plenty of Star Wars knock-offs, but this one takes the cake! Specifically the rancid, molding, decades-old fruit cake. Join Tom and Ryan as they review another awful Italian sci-fi flick by the same director who brought us War of the Robots. We also discuss carnival music, robot sex, and hookah! It's our review of Star Odyssey! (CW: References to suicide and infertility.)   Time...

It's sequel time! Why would we stop at watching only one Highlander film when there are so many others to be explored? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about bad coordinates, worse romances, and the worst retconning we've ever seen. Listen and you'll agree, "there can be only one" review for Highlander II: The Quickening!   Time stamps: 0:03:20 - Background 0:29:50 - Back-of-the-Box Summary 0:49:45...