Rock-n-Roll Autopsy

The boys enjoy dial-up internet with Richie Sambora, use racist cosplay and bad dinner theater to fight the inevitable irrelevance of age, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Styx’s 1983 synth-pop sensation, “Mr. Roboto.”

The boys battle middle-age mid-sections, commit political suicide on antenna TV, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Filter’s mid 90’s mid-west industrial metal hit, “Hey Man Nice Shot.”

The boys attempt to mediate a Pink Floyd peace treaty, hire a team of outside writers to stay relevant, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Ozzy’s Grammy winning title track, “Patient Number 9.”

The boys stubbornly refuse to discuss the 2023 Rock Hall nominations, offset cocaine induced hearing loss with reverb, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Prince’s 1984 sex fiend serenade, “Darling Nikki”

The boys offer unsolicited financial advice to rock stars, shame Phil Anselmo into taking an online cultural sensitivity course, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Butthole Surfers’ 1996 slacker rock hit, “Pepper.”

The boys share more bad news, make ridiculously unfounded claims about Dolly Parton, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Rammstein’s 1997 slab of German industrial metal, “Du Hast.”

The boys discuss the sudden losses of Jeff Beck and Lisa Marie Presley, prop Ozzy Osbourne up for an ill-conceived return to reality TV, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Huey Lewis and the News’ 1984 power pop rock anthem, “The Heart of Rock & Roll.”

The boys cancel their subscriptions to Rolling Stone, debate the intent of voluptuous voyeurism, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Queen’s 1978 rotund rock hit, “Fat Bottomed Girls.”

The boys pair red backwards baseball caps w/cheap rented tuxedos, attend The Poddys awards gala, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Limp Bizkit’s 2000 nu metal rap rock hit, “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle).”

The boys light the holiday ham candle, celebrate the season by sharing a few of their favorite Christmas songs, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of AC/DC’s 1990 randy reindeer rocker, “Mistress for Christmas.”

The boys sexualize baking ingredients, get lap dances at the Back Bar, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Def Leppard’s 1987 pop rock hit, “Pour Some Sugar On Me.”

The boys count on one, extend 100,000 Years, & wax philosophic about Peter Criss, paradiddles, polyrhythms, Peart, & other percussive pontifications.

The boys chew on Metallica’s surprise “Lux Æterna” single and “72 Seasons” album announcement, debate the artistic intent of W. Axl Rose, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Guns N’ Roses’ 1988 controversial EP epic, “One in a Million.”

The boys admire their facial warts, wax philosophic about their sexual prowess, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Motorhead’s 1991 braggadocious blues, “I’m So Bad (Baby I Don’t Care).”

With their over-used lab unfit for pathological dissection the boys put down their scalpels & have an overwrought discussion about over-rehearsed, over-coached, & over-cooked moments in the careers of Dream Theater and AC/DC.

The boys break out the cowbell, drop gratuitous F-bombs, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Rage Against The Machine’s 1992 protest anthem, “Killing In The Name.”

The boys wage a valiant war on diaper rash, age out of angry heavy metal, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Slayer’s 1986 thrash classic, “Angel of Death.”

The boys time travel to the offensive 80s, get high on catnip, kitty litter, and coke, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Steel Panther’s brand new 2022 raunchy rocker, “Never Too Late (To Get Some Pu**y Tonight).”

The boys suffer through an angry, awkward puberty, write nerdy poetry about lycanthropes, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Samhain’s 1984 goth punk rocker, “The Howl.”

The boys lament the implications of tiny hands, get loaded on childhood swigs of Dad’s vintage beer, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Alice Cooper’s 1975 shock rock classic, “Cold Ethyl.”

The boys do mountains of blow w/ Stephen King, struggle to close Jimi Hendrix’s casket, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of the Ramones’ 1989 radio hit, “Pet Sematary.”

The boys sing hooky hymns about human sacrifice, practice satanism, songcraft, and silliness, and attempt to rank the catalogue of Swedish occult rockers, Ghost.

The boys replace their drum heads with pie filling, write elevator music for record execs, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Warrant’s 1990 hair metal anthem, “Cherry Pie.”

The boys learn to swim with Bill Hicks, write a dystopian diatribe against celebrity culture, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Tool’s 1997 alt-metal epic, “Ænema.”

The boys wear animal print cod pieces with circular saw blades, score a spot on Tipper’s Filthy Fifteen mixtape, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of W.A.S.P.’s 1984 controversial classic, “Animal (F**k Like A Beast).”