Rock-n-Roll Autopsy

The boys sexualize baking ingredients, get lap dances at the Back Bar, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Def Leppard’s 1987 pop rock hit, “Pour Some Sugar On Me.”

The boys count on one, extend 100,000 Years, & wax philosophic about Peter Criss, paradiddles, polyrhythms, Peart, & other percussive pontifications.

The boys chew on Metallica’s surprise “Lux Æterna” single and “72 Seasons” album announcement, debate the artistic intent of W. Axl Rose, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Guns N’ Roses’ 1988 controversial EP epic, “One in a Million.”

The boys admire their facial warts, wax philosophic about their sexual prowess, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Motorhead’s 1991 braggadocious blues, “I’m So Bad (Baby I Don’t Care).”

With their over-used lab unfit for pathological dissection the boys put down their scalpels & have an overwrought discussion about over-rehearsed, over-coached, & over-cooked moments in the careers of Dream Theater and AC/DC.

The boys break out the cowbell, drop gratuitous F-bombs, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Rage Against The Machine’s 1992 protest anthem, “Killing In The Name.”

The boys wage a valiant war on diaper rash, age out of angry heavy metal, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Slayer’s 1986 thrash classic, “Angel of Death.”

The boys time travel to the offensive 80s, get high on catnip, kitty litter, and coke, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Steel Panther’s brand new 2022 raunchy rocker, “Never Too Late (To Get Some Pu**y Tonight).”

The boys suffer through an angry, awkward puberty, write nerdy poetry about lycanthropes, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Samhain’s 1984 goth punk rocker, “The Howl.”

The boys lament the implications of tiny hands, get loaded on childhood swigs of Dad’s vintage beer, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Alice Cooper’s 1975 shock rock classic, “Cold Ethyl.”

The boys do mountains of blow w/ Stephen King, struggle to close Jimi Hendrix’s casket, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of the Ramones’ 1989 radio hit, “Pet Sematary.”

The boys sing hooky hymns about human sacrifice, practice satanism, songcraft, and silliness, and attempt to rank the catalogue of Swedish occult rockers, Ghost.

The boys replace their drum heads with pie filling, write elevator music for record execs, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Warrant’s 1990 hair metal anthem, “Cherry Pie.”

The boys learn to swim with Bill Hicks, write a dystopian diatribe against celebrity culture, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Tool’s 1997 alt-metal epic, “Ænema.”

The boys wear animal print cod pieces with circular saw blades, score a spot on Tipper’s Filthy Fifteen mixtape, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of W.A.S.P.’s 1984 controversial classic, “Animal (F**k Like A Beast).”

The boys break format to review Megadeth’s sixteenth studio album, The Sick, The Dying… And The Dead!

The boys break format to discuss woefully irresponsible celebrity parents, watch 1981’s Halloween II, and get mauled by apex feline roommates.

The boys fall for the “popcorn bucket in the lap trick” at the movie theater, piss on the Alamo while wearing Sharon Osbourne’s knickers, and toss around a few biopic candidates they’d like to see on the big screen.

The boys pass gas on the intercom at WalMart, conflate flatulence with Freud’s Oedipus complex, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of The Doors’ 1967 art-rock epic, “The End.”

The boys engage in more public drunkenness, innocently dehumanize people with cap guns, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Anthrax’s 1987 thrash classic, “Indians.”

The boys engulf themselves in Marilyn Manson’s groin, woodshed Smoke on the Water for music class, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of The White Stripes’ 2003 garage-rock hit, “Seven Nation Army.”

The boys squeeze into their wive’s red tights, rediscover a lost episode, and call Mother mooch to rave about Black Sabbath’s 1975 experimental masterpiece, “Sabotage.”

The boys fail multiple roadside sobriety tests, share a motel room with creeping religious authoritarianism, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Clutch’s 2004 alt-metal rocker, “Profits of Doom.”

The boys hide a stiff sock under the mattress, lament mistreating ex-girlfriends, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Alanis Morissette’s 1995 post-grunge hit, “You Oughta Know.”

The boys suffer from beer induced erectile dysfunction, rewatch Eraserhead, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Dead Kennedys’ 1981 party-rock mock anthem, “Too Drunk to Fuck.”