Professional Contestants

Here you go folks, it's the in depth analysis on Donkey Kong's extended history that you didn't ask for, but certainly need to hear. Join Zach and Jared as they are taken through the DK Crew's troubling timeline by newly anointed Kong historian, Adam Decker. War, family conflict, the occupation of foreign territory to bleed it dry of its main resources, it's all here. Access the companion guide he...

Happy holidays to all! We actually managed to get a properly themed episode this week, where we're facing off in an artistic baking competition against professional gingerbread artists. We know we don't stand a chance... unless we could somehow enlist the help of Santa's Arch Elf. Wait, wasn't he in Numb3rs too? With those powers combined, we can bake up an unstoppable structure to win Holiday Gin...

When planning the opposite of a well balanced and truly exciting vacation, it isn't a bad vacation we want, but rather one that is 100% neutral. And when a lecture on the density of rocks given by Danny DeVito is still too exciting, we're going to have to think even more bland if we want to earn the most thrilling vacation on Holiday Showdown. Zach defends the dignity of Indianapolis, Jared reveal...

Ok, here's the deal. You can either see Burn Notice perform on a beach for $50, or in a bar for $10. What? You don't know Burn Notice? Remember how they were stranded on a desert island for seven years and have now returned to perform their once great television show in a live format? Oh, and they're really good at 25 Words or Less now too. Zach thinks he's seen Johnny English, Jared thinks he kno...

Double-decker bus: British. Double-decker bus with a Union Jack on the side: more British. Double-decker bus with a Union Jack on the side that serves you tea: extremely British. Double-decker bus with a Union Jack on the side where the person who serves you tea is dressed as a bear? I mean, if it's surrounded by this many ultra British things, the Tea Bear must be a British thing too, right? Zach...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to inform you that we have conceptualized the funniest possible video. It involves a limo driving lion and Joe Pesci with a cast on his nuts and I DARE you to find something funnier. Step aside AFV, The Contestants are coming for the funny home video throne with their reimagined take on Animal Crack-Ups. Zach thinks mild pain is funny, Jared thinks big things are...

It's Friday night. You're at the arcade. For some reason, one particular cabinet calls to you. You pop in a couple of quarters and the game begins, but you are unable to play due to how stunned you are by the attractiveness of the game's protagonist. A VERY sexy lunchbox. You game over, having never moved, and yet you pop in two more quarters just to get another look at, I cannot stress this enoug...

Things we know about MasterChef: Gordon Ramsay is mean, you've gotta cook real good, the title of MasterChef doesn't really hold any clout. Things we know about Halo: Bill Gates created it, there's a bunch of space tech and aliens, Master Chief sounds kinda like Master Chef. Logically, we're gonna put those hands together. MasterChef better watch out, cause it's about to smell what The Chief is co...

Perhaps the reason we don't see many modern day prophets is because it can be difficult to know when a higher power is talking to you. That being said, Justin Timberlake certainly noticed when God told him to build a four story roulette wheel for a new Fox game show. I mean, there is really no other explanation for why they would produce a tv program where you watch a wheel spin for an hour. The C...

Come one, come all, to Jigsaw's team building retreat, where you're guaranteed to either grow closer to your co-workers through collaboration and shared trauma, or die trying! Just make sure you get out quickly, or Donnie Wahlberg might burst in and beat you up. On this Snake Day 2019, we continue our journey through the scariest game show of all time and once again face our nemesis Jigsaw in the...

Listen folks, some game shows are just nothing, and Syfy's Exit might as well not have existed. However, no matter what we think of it (or if it even qualifies as "scary",) we here at ProCo Inc. gotta catch em' all. But that doesn't mean we have to actually participate in Exit, per se. Sometimes all we have to do is kidnap a famous magician and make him sing to us naked. Don't @ us. Zach is fright...

Knives, snakes, clowns, and spiders. Things that we can all agree are generally pretty scary. Old ladies, dapper clothes, race cars, and DJ booths. Things that we can all agree are pretty dang cool. Now put those hands together and we're dealing with the most interesting fraternity anyone's ever witnessed. And with this cool new Greek life on the set of 13: Fear Is Real, there's no way The Masterm...

BOO! Are you scared? Good, because the spooky season has returned to us! No, not the one that everyone celebrates that starts with an H. We are of course talking about Snake With Big Teeth Month! Join us as we face off against the scariest game shows that television has to offer. This week, however, television barely has a game show to offer us, let alone anything scary. Nonetheless, we are checki...

Sometimes your favorite team of professional game show contestants have to leave their homes (and audio equipment) for prolonged periods of time to visit other states. This happened to be the case for all three of them during the last two weeks. But lucky you! Despite our inability to record, you are still getting a ProCo clip episode featuring some of our best bits from some of our earliest schem...

We're about to get into some dicey legal territory here, and we know it. When taking on an enemy that serves nothing but low blows, sometimes you have to stoop to its level. But if we have to border on breaking the law, we better make sure we bring along an expert. The Contestants are teaming up with The King of Entrapment to take down the steaming pile of garbage known as Repo Games. Zach knows w...

When a time comes where employees feel that they are being treated unfairly by their employer, these individuals have the right to cause work stoppage via a refusal to work. It is a time honored practice that has existed for centuries, and what we have proposed is no different. Except for the laborer is ham and the employer is a bad game show. Make sure you're stocked up because The Contestants ar...

Gather around children, and the Professional Contestants will tell you the story of when Jesus and his disciples went on a game show and fed the entire crew with a single lox bagel. Is it a true story? Probably not. But if I were you I wouldn't punch the guy. Just in case. American Gladiators is our church, and if you don't think Christ is down here playing Own The Bone you've got another guess co...

Disney has been pretty wild lately: Marvel this, Star Wars that, and live-action remakes all over the dang place. However, with all the new classic Disney movies becoming the new cannon we have good news: Jafar, the Scourge of Agrabah, is being punished in the afterlife for his many sins. The Bad News: he's trying to get out, and his escape is the premise for our new game show. Zach explains trivi...

Hello everyone, and thank you for coming to our startup presentation. The Problem: Teens have no way of getting themselves around before they get their license. The Solution: Storks. Babies have trusted Storks for centuries, and the rest of us need to get with the times. Introducing TNSTK. The Stork Share service for babies and teens alike. Oh, and also this is how we are going to win the game sho...

Wow. It seemed like yesterday America's favorite boy was learning about science and cracking catch phrases all over the place. But now, we at the Professional Contestants are proud to celebrate TWENTY YEARS of the Smart Lad. Time really does fly huh? He's all grown up now. Like, really grown. Hey, why is Young Sheldon 50 ft. tall? Zach knows nothing about Ant-Man, Jared knows too much about Ant-Ma...

So you can go ahead and congratulate us for winning Legends of the Hidden Temple. We've already done it. And though you may be wondering how we won a game show that only existed before two of us were born, the answer is actually quite simple: time travel. The Contestants are challenging the fabric of space and time itself in their great finale of this years Summer of Summers. Zach yearns for a yac...

Knock knock! Who's there? Why Cesar Millan of course, here to work his magic and train a problem dog. Wait, what's that? There's no dog? Just three dudes who are trying to learn how to make a dog like them? You bet! The Contestants are trying to get inside the mind of a dog and become more appealing to the host of the PBS game show Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman. Zach has experience in distributing fake...

When hunting a geographically gifted criminal mastermind, it can be near impossible to track her down, let alone predict where she is going next. But if we could lure her to us with Mike Ditka and a bottle of malort, now we're getting somewhere. The Contestants are after the world's most mobile thief who puts the Miss in misdemeanor as they take on Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego. Zach think...

The days are long, the weather is hot, and the sun is high in the sky. As we breathe in that hot, humid air, there's only one that is on our mind. It's back! The Summer of Summers has returned to the Professional Contestants once again. In the search for this summer's honoree, we first find ourselves facing an iconic monolith in children's competition shows. No, not the Aggro Crag, I'm referring t...

Many times in life you will find yourself in situations that seem overly unnecessary and stressful. You could either complain about it, or you could experience it to it's full potential and then use that experience later in life when Kenny G plays saxophone in your face while you're trying to golf. That's right, The Contestants are going on a journey of self discovery to prepare themselves for wha...