Professional Contestants

*stumbles out of a cave squinting into the light of day*  How long has it been? What year is it?? The new Pope is from Chicago?!?! Wow, we sure have a lot to catch up on, but lets start with the most important thing. Game shows have somehow found yet another way to confuse and dissapoint us. Just when we think we have seen it all, Mr. Beast - the modern day equivilant of a wealthy emperor who thro...

We've been doing a lot of newer, shinier, well polished game shows lately. Now depending on who you ask, that could be a good thing or a bad thing. Sure, modern day streaming services offer a sort of quality guarantee with the programs they include - but only on YouTube will you be able to find a VHS quality recording of Ahmad Rashad and a Roman Centurion hosting a word jumble themed game show at...

Hello dear listeners! We're back after a longer than usual holiday hiatus, and this episode you're in for a real treat. Oh, no it isn't a good game show. Statistically those don't actually exist. No, this episode we are going to rage out on the set of beloved sitcom Friends and break everything in Monica's apartment. Isn't that just such a better idea than actually trying to win this game show? We...

Happy Holiday everyone! We truly hope that you and the friends and family that you spend this time of the year with are happy and healthy - celebrating the true meaning of the holidays. But maybe you are not... Maybe you're celebrating with someone who has lost sight of the reason for the season. Someone who needs their statis quo disrupted in order to appreciate what they really have. If that's t...

Well folks, we've once again gone straight from Snake Day into the winter holiday celebrations, but thats just how the holiday calander shakes out sometimes. But let's not let that proximity get in the way of us fully diving into the holiday season with the most sickeningly Christmas steeped game show we may have ever done. Thats right, a Christmas themed competition game show produced BY Hallmark...

It may be because we have had to watch seven of these movies, seven years in a row. It may be because we put it off for so long that we had to watch it during Thanksgiving instead of in October. It may just be the way the series goes. But this may truly have been the worst Saw movie we have experienced so far. Not only that, but at this point the traps are so avoidable we don't even have to spend...

Welcome back to another installment in our Snake With Big Teeth 2024 celebration. This time we watched a game show where literally nothing happens. Like, truly... nothing. So get ready for an episode that is half discussing the extended universe of Sonic the Hedgehog and half discussing Shakespeare's timeless classic Hamlet. Do we blur the lines between those two worlds? You'll have to listen to f...

The Traitors - It's a hit new reality game show. Not just that, at it's core it is a classic party game we have all played. Call it mafia, call it werewolf - everyone knows it and everyone thinks they're good at it. But what have people forgotten? That's right, the classic 1997 film Mouse Hunt. Against all odds that mouse comes out on top, and when everyone else forgets, we harvest top notch strat...

Sometimes game shows are just easy to cheat at. Like, truly so easy that it would be more difficult to not do so. Like, I'm serious guys, there would be absolutely no chance that anyone invovled in the game show would be able to catch us, let alone prove that we had cheated. This one's an absolute gimmie. But dammit if we're not gonna basically ignore that fact entirely and come up with a convolut...

There are numerous ways we could approach a game show where we have to run around searching for illustrations of wacky characters. We could create a bunch of our own illustrations and sneak them into the lineup. We could mark the answers with invisible ink you can only see under a blacklight. Hell, we could just study with flashcards. But don't work, Zach is just gonna win this one for us. Haven't...

There are two things we've learned from the sales of modern art in recent years. The first is a piece of art is only as valuable as the amount a buyer is willing to pay for it. The second is if someone takes a bite out of the art it's value skyrockets. With that knowledge - we're about to make one lucky 8 year old an extremely sought after artist. Zach thinks modern kids are just little adults, Ja...

Maybe it's because we're busy and our minds are cluttered. Maybe it's because we haven't recorded in a while and we're out of practice. Maybe it's because this game really is just that basic and easy and doesn't deserve our full brand of shenanigans. Regardless, this one we're just gonna win. No real plan necessary. Now let's get back to pitching our brand new talk show to Game Show Network - spon...

On a modern game show it can be easy to become distracted by all the sleek prizes, the flashy gimmicks, and the sometimes charismatic hosts. This time we can't let those distractions deter us. Sure, we could maybe make it out of this one with a bunch of money and prizes to take home, but the real prize is hidden in plain sight - on a flash drive hanging around Damon Wayans Jr's neck. Thats right,...

Blake Shelton is out here making a game show that is basically a commercial for his Nashville bar, where the booze is always flowing and the vibes are great. Well the Professional Contestants are gonna call you on that one, Blake. Be careful what you wish for because by the time we're done, your bar is gonna look like the aftermath of a Project X and your comically large medals will be nowhere to...

Ok, we get it. Maybe we can't just climb into an aquarium and expect to automatically win a bunch of random chance games against some fish. But what if we make ourselves really tiny first? And what if one of us is scuba certified? And what if we get an octopus involved? It probably still wont work, yeah, WE KNOW. At least eating the other contestants isn't explicitly off the table this time. Zach...

We love the Queer Eye guys. The things they do to change peoples' lives for the better is pretty great. But if you ask us, it's time for a change. This time, the strong man, the bearded lady, the lion tamer, the clowns, and the ring leader are coming to town. They're here to tell you that you have a gross body and shoot you out of a cannon. All things just keep getting better! Zach is afraid of co...

Shaquille O'Neal is a man who thinks highly of himself. So much so that he created a television show dedicated to him challenging the world's best individuals in every field to competitions in their area of expertise. He rarely, if ever emerges victorious, but we still think he needs to be knocked down a peg or two. Watch out Shaq, The Professional Contestants are about to give you a taste of your...

When it comes to music trivia, it's safe to say we know a thing or two, and we know more than just current pop music. For example, did you know that way back when the pop charts first started, the first song to top two charts simultaniously was the mega hit "Banging Hot Rocks?" It was number one on both Cave Man Hits and Top Iguana Tracks. The more you know, huh? Zach has never seen a Minion, Jare...

We here at Professional Contestants aren't exactly what you would call entrepreneurs. We don't claim to be amazing at identifying products with potential and investing in them. But if we have learned anything from reality tv show judges like Mark Cuban, Simon Cowell, and Gordon Ramsay, it's that being mean to the person presenting to us will definitely get us somewhere. Good thing this game show i...

If you had to convince someone that you were an expert in something, what would it be? Something broad like "musicians?" Maybe something very specific like "Celebrities on The Simpsons?" What about something unapproachable like "The Golden Age of The Ottoman Empire?"All good ideas, but our tastes lay more along the lines of "That Witch Who Cursed Me and Turned Me Into a Frog." Will you kiss us and...

When you have been creating game show strategies as long as we have, you begin to realize that sometimes its best to play to your strengths. But who would have thought that one of our strengths would be a deep knowledge of the powers associated with The Flash, including how to give someone those powers? As it turns out, it's quite easy to become a Flash. So easy in fact, that even the founding fat...

Let me start this off by admitting that we have made a mistake. When finding game shows to watch for this podcast we tend to avoid ones that are just trivia questions and ones that are already specifically comedic. Folks, this one is both. However, it does have one unique thing going for it. All the questions are about current events. And sure, we may not keep up with pop culture too closely, but...

Wow everyone. We are truly getting a once in a lifetime experience with this game show. The chance to be at Disney World, in the Magic Kingdom, after hours. Just us and our friend Mickey Mouse and OH NO SOME EVIL QUEENS?!? Everyone! Quick! Focus on stopping these bad queens from stealing all of the holiday magic from the world! Don't worry about where Mickey is or what he is putting in his car. He...

Every year, Scout Elves appear in the homes of children to watch them, determine if they're naughty or nice, and report back to Santa. At least that's what parents want them to think. We three full grown Professional Contestants know better, and we also know how to leverage the same tactics against our opponents in this "sweet making" competition. You better watch out, you bette not cry, because t...

For years, game show producers have been asking the same question over and over: How can I make a boring game interesting for people to watch on television. Like Bingo, for example. Can it make a good game show? As it turns out, no. But if you make it colorful, musical, bilingual, and add a charming host and some salsa dancers you sure can come close. Zach had a perverse Spotify Wrapped, Jared did...