Professional Contestants

Happy belated Snake Day everyone! We once again will be celebrating the only way we know how, by submitting ourselves to the next horrible installment of the Saw franchise. Will Zach pay enough attention to remember the plot of the movie at all? Will Jared be unnecessarily mean to Tobin Bell's performance? Will Adam be able to hide the fact that he actually likes these movies a little bit? Tune in...

Picture this. Halloween night is quickly approaching. You are hard at work getting together your costume and want to make sure you have the best possible plans to show it off. You're struggling to find the right event, and then you get the email. You're invited. Frankenstein's birthday. DM for address. What would you do to make it to that party? Answer: absolutely anything. Zach trusts Fester to g...

I think it's safe to say that many CEOs of big companies have daddy issues, and if Inception has taught us anything, it's that by exploiting those daddy issues, you can get said CEO to give up their company. All we need to do is adapt it for our situation. Get rid of all the dream stuff, add a hyper realistic puppet of Jim Henson, maybe a little bit of Leo Dicaprio in a bear suit to boot, and befo...

We have once again returned, dear listener, to the time of the year where we celebrate all of the scariest things that game shows have to offer. This year we have definitely stepped it up a notch, because what's scarier than ghosts, skeletons, zombies, or any other traditional Halloween monster? Being naked in the jungle with a stranger for 21 days, of course. Zach wants to King Louie, Jared wants...

Time of death, approximately 7:34 pm. I saw the carnage right there on the television screen. What was once a beautiful intact word had been all jumbled up into a mess of letters, almost unrecognisable from it's original form. But don't you worry, The Unjumblers are on the case. We're gonna find whoever jumbled up these poor words and bring them to justice. Zach has some great Mario Lopez jokes, J...

I think we can all agree that one of the worst places for unexpected shenanigans to occur is on an airplane, ESPECIALLY one that is mid flight. So leave it to our old pal Mark L. Walberg to do that exact thing via a game show that should be a crime against humanity. Well, if he can do it, so can we. Our game show's rules are much simpler though: give us $500 or Jared will make the one bathroom on...

Picture this. You're feeling cozy. Like, REALLY cozy. Like, on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, watching your favorite tv show on a cold day cozy. But you're hungry. Like, REALLY hungry. Suddenly, the smell of chocolate chip pancakes wafts in from the other room. Are you getting up to eat those pancakes? Thats right, we know you are. And that's why you'll never beat Jared's world record for coz...

Look, not only is this game show uninteresting, but it is also incredibly easy to win. We had to address it eventually, you know our vow! So in lieu of actually talking about this game show, prepare yourself for an hour or so of bits about the moon landing, Anthony Fauci, and Phantom of the Opera X Mad TV. And if you don't think its funny, you're not allowed to cancel us - because it was improv an...

Let's play Balderdash. The topic is 'Ways to make sure someone is telling the truth.' There's truth serum. There's polygraph tests. There's the birthday wish of a child with a pure heart. Two of these are fake, and one is real. I'll give you a second to think... but it's pretty obvious, right? We agree. Now we just need to figure out how to get Young Sheldon to make a Liar Liar birthday wish for u...

Please join us in rememberance of this day. For once we have concocted a plan that not only makes sense, but also has a high chance of actually working. All we need is some hydrophobic material and a bunch of Hollywood studio quality squib rigs, Oh, and if the body scanner registers any metal in Jared's pants, don't worry about that. He won that medal honestly at the county fair. Zach creates a ne...

On most television show sets, if an unexpected vehicle suddenly started driving around, you could rightfully expect production to halt until the issue is resolved. It is chaotic, unscripted, and quite simply a safety hazard. BUT... it is Boston Tony's last day, and he has a hard out at 5pm. It would really be a shame if he had to leave before we called wrap and could properly celebrate. Keep those...

They just don't make kids game shows like they used to... but should they? After some market research, our studies show that kids just don't like slime anymore. However, is this because we just aren't giving them enough of it? In this paper, The Professional Contestants aim to explore how the type and amount of slime used in childrens' entertainment programming directly corresponds to how cringe t...

As sure as the days grow longer and the temperature creeps higher, the Summer of Summers will return to the feed of the Professional Contestants. Once again we find ourselves facing a game show made for childen, that we as grown men are extremely capable of winning. We just need to place our intelect into something that can actually participate in the game. Something like a Boy Bot. A Boisterous B...

Every great spicy wing eating competition consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge." The chef shows you something extremely spicy: a hot wing doused in bright red sauce. He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed really, truly, spicy. But of course... it always is. The second act is called "The Turn." The consumer then takes the...

The fog rolls in. The engines rev. You wait in anticipation for the life sized Hot Wheel of your dreams to drive out onto the stage. Slowly, it emerges... Pete Davidson. Sure, you may be dissapointed at first, but this boy is about to transform into either a car or a monkey. Either way, we think that is a good enough idea to earn us $25,000. Anyway, go see Transformers: Monkey Business - only in t...

Who among us can truly claim to know the innerworkings of a centaur. There has to be some stuff going on in there that we humans cannot even fathom. However, we don't have to understand it to know that those guys would be great at jousting. Horse and man, together as one, cannot be stopped. Now all we have to do is find a witch to turn Jared into one. Zach searches for a local witch, Jared is goin...

Masterclass. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Famous experts in their field teach online classes to whoever wants to pay to recieve the knowledge. But why not take it one step further? Let these experts work together to teach entirely new crossover subjects. For example, Clarinet Songs to Gamble To on a Cattle Drive: by Kenny Rodgers, Kenny Loggins, and Kenny G. Or, How to Convince a...

You don't have to be married to play along with a "Newlywed Game" type of competition. You don't even have to be dating. You could just be two friends who know a lot about each other and want to test that knowledge. Hell, you could both be Batman and all of your answers are just about how you have Alfred do everything for you. Whats that? Did I lose you on that one? Doesn't matter, now give me my...

Not all game shows are kooky, over the top, wild rides, ok? We love a silly show as much as you do, but we did make an oath to conquer EVERY game show, and that includes the ones that are just charades. Like, seriously. This one is just charades. But just because this show is entirely a bad party game, that doesn't mean we can't get the newly crowned King of England and some monster trucks involve...

As usual, in this episode we go on quite a few tangents involving tornados, curds and whey, chili five ways, etc. However, this time I want to really make sure you all understand that those silly side bars do not detract from the severity of the situation that Jared finds himself in. He really needs your help, PLEASE give him the answers to this game show. His aunt has the Gom Jabbar held right up...

We, the Professional Contestants, have taken an oath to find a way to win every game show ever. You know this. We know this. Yet somehow we still find ourselves blindsided by the occasional very bad, very old, very cursed by a mummy game show. You would think we'd have learned by now. Why am I bringing this up now? No reason... Anyway, here's Haggis Baggis. Zach wins the Best Joke of the Podcast a...

We here at Professional Contestants are on the cutting edge of technology, infrastructure, and innovation. Through our unique outlook on the world, we are able to dream up concepts that others' minds are unable to achieve. Now... yes this one does happen to just be a 300 mile long toaster, but we really think it's gonna change the world! Zach explains why comedy is funny, Jared really loves a Mr....

I KNOW we say this often but this game show really could be solved with a Rumpelstiltskin themed plan! Then again it could be a Macduff plan. Or a Little Man plan. Or a Rip Van Winkle plan. Or even a secret twins plan. You're confused, I get it, but this mistake of a game show requires some real lateral thinking if we are gonna steal $10,000 from a newborn baby. Zach poorly describes how a c secti...

Listen up everyone! Don't be alarmed, but we are going to do some sins in this one. Nothing too crazy - just the fun ones. It's ok, sometimes it's necessary to do bad things in order to, in the long run, do good things... like win money on a game show. That's what life is really all about, right? Zach is great at guessing the seven heavenly virtues, Jared wants a Mamma Mia, and Adam pretends to kn...

Once a year you may find yourself looking at the sky and you'll notice that all the stars have gone. Well that's because they're all down here with us... but they're at the Golden Globes or the Oscars or something. They're DEFINITELY not at this boring basement house party that the USA Network filmed and called a game show. But with a little help from these three party boys, we just may be able to...