Professional Contestants

We've never really been huge fans of anime. It's just so mainstream, you know? Disney and Pixar are always winning best anime film at the Oscars every year and it all feels the same. Some of those classic characters might be worth something though, and cosplaying as everyone's favorite anime character, Tow Mater, is just what we need to gaslight a group of game show contestants and win a bunch of...

We've been on a bit of a stinker streak with our game show choices lately and you know what, we're just sick of it. So for the first half of the episode, we're just gonna try out a bunch of openings, and for the second half we ponder important questions such as, "What might the view be like from the back of The Hollywood Squares?" Riveting stuff. Zach informs us about a wild new sport, Jared wants...

You know this guy Bobcat? He's a rude and rowdy dude who needs a taste of his own medicine. We know exactly where to source that medicine from. And remember, if you like this episode, just clap and hoot and holler as much as you want. The very accurate applause-o-meter will let us know. Segment music written and recorded by friend of the show Andrew Stewart - @andrewishuman on Twitter. Zach despis...

The Jaws Effect: an idea that an imposing yet unseen mysterious force is driving much of the plot and actions in a movie. It makes it that much more impactful when that force is finally revealed. Now imagine that force is Kevin James, and the movie is called Here Comes The Boom. Apply to literally any movie plot, and you've got yourself a winner. Zach gets confused by a TikTok trend, Jared makes a...

Look, this ain't that fake pro wrastlin' BS you see on tv. This is the real deal, where enormous men are paid money to punch you, kick you, and prevent your success. So for assistance, we are turning to the one thing in the building that we feel that we can identify with. No, it's none of the human beings, but do you see that snake over there? Zach explains British slang, Jared devises a Federal W...

Lets crunch the numbers. We got Monopoly, a board game that everyone knows but no one really likes. We got a half hour span of tv air time in 1990. Put those hands together and you have a pretty boring game show that we don't really want to talk about all that much. Result: 20+ minutes of Willy Wonka discussion and some personal takes on capitalism to boot. Zach discovers a Mouse Trap game show, J...

After one-hundred and forty-three episodes, we like to think of ourselves as some of the foremost experts on game shows on this great planet of ours. Therefore, it is about time we start to put that knowledge to good use, and submit our method of classifying game shows to be published in academic journals. We present to you, The Movie Mouse Morality Chart! Oh, and we do one for game shows too. Zac...

I'm gonna be totally up front with you. We read Wikipedia articles for a good portion of this one. But we have to do our research since we're training to become the world's greatest detective. It just so happens that research involves infiltrating the home of a questionable member of famous magician duo Penn & Teller. Zach imagines Reba as our only client, Jared hates Guess Who, and Adam prepares...

Three Eagle Scouts. One Firecrafter. Over twenty years of combined camp experience. You best believe that when these three boys are sent to a game show camp, they know exactly how to become the coolest ones there. Also some tips: The talking Jesus lion is chill, the pretty witch lady is super evil, and Santa might give you a sword. Zach is Dr. Beef, Jared is Johnny Hot Cakes, and Adam is Captain P...

Bring a pot of water to a boil. Cook six packets of ramen noodles for three minutes, then drain. Sauté chicken, carrots, and jalapenos and add to noodles. Pour A1 sauce. More than that. Yep, keep going. Bleed that baby dry. Zach discovers the most important sporting event, Jared drops a great holiday recipe, and Adam thinks Greek Gods enjoy duckpin bowling. Talking Points Include: Doug Does A Reve...

The World is always telling you "No." No, you can't come into the factory without a Golden Ticket. No, you can't chew that bubble gum or you'll turn into a blueberry. Get off of that camera Mike, or you're gonna get zapped into the TV. In a world full of "No's", only one body wash is brave enough to say "Yes, go ahead and shove yourself face first into that chocolate river." Zach thinks of James B...

Ah, the MET. An evening of culture and refinement. What's playing in the main proscenium this eve? Ah a classic: Madama Butterfly by Giacomo Puccini, performed by the percussion ensemble Stomp. Oh, they are performing it in its original trash can lids! What a delight! Zach watches James Corden during the podcast,  Jared has a great package joke, and Adam lies about the White Stripes. Talking Point...

Oof. Episode one hundred and thirty-seven huh? It's about time we made some coin from this thing. This is a labor of love, of course, but come on: these boys gotta eat. It's about time we pull a Friends and get ourselves syndicated. That's still a thing, right?  Zach explains how to heckle, Jared starts a scholarship for himself,  and Adam creates the worst form of ASMR.  Talking Points Include: J...

We spend 20+ minutes talking about the rat guy from Harry Potter. Yeah, the man who turned into a rat and lived in Ron's pocket for 5 years. There's other stuff in there too, and it's all really funny, but most of this episode is dedicated to the rat discussion. Just wanted to give you a heads up. Zach brings up Rupert Grint, Jared pitches new slang, and Adam doesn't understand how Inspector Gadge...

A spectre is haunting CBS - the spectre of Baby Geniuses. For too long Les Moonves has exploited the cuteness of children: but children are smarter than we think, and the Contestants will see these babies get the full value of their labor. Come, Babies! You have nothing to lose but your chains! Zach coaches Little League, Jared finds a way to destroy Fox News, and Adam doesn't have the Talking Sti...

Ah, shoot. Professional assassin Scaramanga tied James Bond up to a death trap and has absolutely RUINED the communal entertainment space on his condo's roof. The HOA warned him about this behavior, and now Scaramanga has a PERMANENT BAN from the building. He's out of luck, but three idiots need help winning a roof-based game show: and they're willing to cut a deal.   Zach prank calls his dad, Jar...

You cannot win Saw III. You can barely WATCH Saw III. Hopefully, you can listen to us hate Saw III. Zach hates Saw III, Jared hates Saw III, and Adam hates Saw III. Talking Points Include:  What else can you make with Tom Riddle's name?, The Worst Tradition, They Keep Doing It, Birthday World, Micheal Jackson vs. Paul Revere,  America's Funniest Home Traps, Jigsaw Didn't Say "Kill Me", Trap Talk

There's no time to explain. Plug in your headphones and download this episode, because if you don't we DON'T KNOW what will happen to Donny Osmond. We can't take this risk.  Zach knows a lot of Sean Astin movies,  Jared has never seen Rudy,  and Adam doesn't know any Sean Astin movies.  Talking Points:  555-AMERICAN-IDOL, Flavortown Abbey, Repent Food Sinners, Death to the King of Vegas, All Aboar...

We're not going to lie: this might be the scariest game show we've done yet, and not for the reasons you'd think. No ghosts, no serial killers, no buckets of blood. Just the actor who played Urkel and a pitch black room. Your chances of being murdered? Zero. The chances of you licking blue cheese off a naked dude's body? 100 percent.  Zach learns a new meme, Jared wants to be Bane, and Adam pitche...

It's time to Snake, Rattle and Roll everybody! It's Snake With Big Teeth Month, and that means it's time for us to scour the bowels of the Internet for the scariest game shows out there. And while a snake with big teeth is maybe the fifth(?) scariest thing imaginable in the world right now, The Contestants are here to do what we do best: intimidate the production crew of game shows with our karate...

DO NOT BE ALARMED. No one is eating any human bones of any sort. We're just practicing our monologues for the Big Dinosaur Auditions coming up. The future of entertainment is Dino, and the Contestants are ready to be stars. WARNING: there are spoilers for the Dinotopia miniseries that came out 18 years ago.  Zach does a fat dino, Jared can't do a dino, Adam is upset that his dinosaur is a nerd.  T...

ABC, you miscalculated big-time. You thought making adults dress up in diapers and bonnets would be embarrassing, but these three full-grown man babies have captured America's heart. And whether you like it or not: we're the babies, gotta love us. Zach punches up some reality shows, Jared pines for good playground equipment, and Adam is well aware of Wario's strength. Talking Points Include: Badla...

Think: when was the last time you washed a quarter? If your answer was anything other than "never", you're a liar. Those things are filthy grubby germ houses, and these cash-strapped boys can't wait to clean (and steal) 4 million of them. Zach names a book, Jared rails against the high price of babies, and Adam reprises his greatest role. Talking Points Include: Shellebration, Honey Roasted HALO,...

My Children, it is time. Please turn your news papers to the funny pages, and I will speak aloud the word of Ziggy: "Life may be a game, but only you can decide if it's Risk or Trivia Pursuit." Go in peace. Zach finds the perfect gift for Bob Barker, Jared attacks Pig Pen, and Adam defends horny toads. Talking Points Include: Mr. Magnum At Your Service, Entirely Too Much Kissing, DJ Pig Pen, Old B...

And I said "When I needed you most, you left me." "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you. Never, ever, during your trials and testings. But When you saw only one set of footprints, it was because I jumped over your punk-ass and dunked on you from the half court line. Get your defense together, my child." Zach advocates for Jeff Foxworthy's editing skills, Jared makes a bad salt jo...