Professional Contestants

Here's some free advice, from the game show professionals to you, dear listener. DO NOT offer any of your personal items to MTV if you don't want them to get smashed. This includes, but is not limited to, Michelangelo's David, The Declaration of Independence, a cage of tigers, and/or your biological grandmother. Arm yourselves with knowledge, people. Zach's carabiner is keeping the tigers at bay,...

There is no denying that small towns have a certain charm. The quaint environment they provide is something you just can't get in bigger cities. But know this, every single one also has something weird going on. It might be troll themed. It might have a hyperfixation on a sitcom from the 60s. It might name itself after American tragedies and host an oyster festival despite not being costal. Ok, we...

Let's just get this out of the way right at the top here, this episode is a little *blue.* But what would you expect when we have to talk about a show about strip poker from the late 90's? At least there's no way a beloved childrens' book would ever be involved, right? ...RIGHT?!?! Zach has created several strip games, Jared reveals his Blue Man ignorance, and Adam unironically watches poker. Talk...

Look, we know we aren't as good at creating complex domino displays as real professional domino artists are. But what we do have a lot of experience in is passible rube goldberg machines. Now just make it really big, increase the specticle, and add a bit of a threatening atmosphere... these judges just can't say no. Zach is totally fine with his current wardrobe, Jared has dark domino thoughts, an...

You may love it. You may hate it. Either way, we can all agree that dodgeball played an important roll in creating some formative memories from our younger years. But how much should change when it becomes a pro sport? Is it worthy of being a sport, or is it just a gym class time killer? Should Fran Drescher be the next Joker? These questions and more are not answered, but hotly debated in this ep...

Hey ProCo listeners! As a bonus episode this week, we're doing a feed drop from Brackets - a highlight episode from it's first season. Brackets will be back soon with brand new episodes, so go follow the show wherever you listen to podcasts!

If you have listened to any number of ProCo episodes, you know that we occisionally encounter a game show that is so unfortunate, we opt to destroy it over winning in a "traditional" method. And yes, sometimes that means becoming a dictator, traveling back in time, and stopping the creation of hidden camera tv shows. We may have to fight Mussolini, but thats a risk we're willing to take. Zach furt...

Plenty has been written on the morality of robotics and artificial intelligence. But so few of us actually have to face those dilemmas head on. As the world's leading game show professionals, this is our cross to bear. Do we allow GSN to continue using Mr. Q for their own gain, or do we free him even though he might be a total asshole? Decisions decisions... Zach realizes that eBay is still weird,...

Once more for the people in the back. TRIVIA GAME SHOWS ARE BORING. They are fun to play, not fun to watch. And they CERTAINLY don't provide much to talk about. So for this one, you're gonna hear a lot about Batman, a lot about IMAX, and a lot about the adult toy Lite-Brites.  Zach thinks all of France is Normandy, Jared imparts his curling knowledge, and Adam has a lot of opinions about IMAX. Tal...

Learning opportunities are everywhere in this world, we just have to open to them when they present themselves. For example, we didn't think we'd learn anything from this mid 2000's game show. On the contrary, we now know that according to Stan Lee, superheroes aren't allowed to make money and must remain celibate. The more you know. Zach connects everything back to Magnum, P.I., Jared longs for d...

Did you all know that Tug of War used to be an Olympic sport? All those strong competitors looked super cool tuggin' on a big rope. So we are all gonna get real beefy just like those guys so we can look cool and tug a rope too. Yes, we are aware this isn't an actual tug of war game show - we'll make it work. Zach blames his bad jokes on a sound board, Jared is watermelons all the way down, and Ada...

Memory: A fragile thing. Take that memory for a sail on the lake. A piece of it breaks, so you replace it with a new one. You sail your memory again, and you break it again. This keeps happening, you keep replacing your memory with new parts until you realize... this metaphor makes no sense, and the Contestants don't know the first thing about philosophy.  Zach invents a new radio, Jared wants to...

The Professional Contestants are headed to Japan to hang out and pal around with 142 of our newest best friends! We're gonna do obstacle courses! We're gonna eat biscuits! And if any war hungry Counts or Generals even THINK about forcing us to fight on their behalf, we're gonna incite a revolution! Zach has definitely not been to Boston, Jared reminices about playground energy, and Adam attempts t...

Many people believe that the time we are born affects the kind of people we become. In this case, we've got to do battle with eight beefy warriors who are all riled up and evil just because they were born on a "dark day." Looks like we have two options: change their birthdays, or tickle them until they stop. Zach worries about when he can eat cake, Jared tries to punch up the Olympics, and Adam wo...

Not only do we need to teach a lesson to some misguided men, but we also just straight up dislike this gameshow's skeevy energy. Luckily, we can both avoid talking about this show AND enlist some help in teaching a lesson by turning to one of our favorite topics. That's right, the Oompa Loompas are coming to show these pickup artists the error of their ways. Zach has a new puppy, Jared is wearing...

We generally try to be pretty decent humans when carrying out our various plans. But honestly, someone can be convinced that the FBI is searching for a real life genie, they're gonna get scammed eventually, so we might as well be the ones doing the scamming. Zach is well versed in the Pawn Stars Universe, Jared is a Chumlee expert, and Adam dusts off his guitar. Talking Points Include: Mail Time,...

In this episode we discover the true meaning of Christmas. We here at Professional Contestants believe that everyone should be included in the holiday festivities, so we are doing something special this season. Area 51 is open, its a lucky time of year, and these aliens are about to learn about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Zach thinks Marvin the Martian is in Area 51, Jared thinks Hot Scrooge...

For this episode, in the name of the holidays, we soldier on and talk in depth about the art of competitive glassblowing being unnecessarily converted into a Christmas special. But we also talk about what we really love, and that is debating which Disney character best represents famous hot headed Capulet - Tybalt. Zach wonders the origin of the glassblowing furnace, Jared wants us to be mature ab...

Happy Holidays! It's that time of year, and we GOT THE SPIRIT. THE HOLDIAY SPIRIT. We're drinking nothing but eggnog, eating nothing but cookies, and talking about nothing but Bernard the Elf and the Three Wise Men. Oh, Santa? We got Santas. That's right: plural. Zach is jolly, Jared is crafty, and Adam is kid approved. Talking Points Include: Christmas Costumes, Only Santas in the Building, The S...

It's been established that we here at ProCo love Reba more than the average person. That is unless the average person is someone who watches CMT game shows hosted by Barbra Jean. They REALLY love Reba. So while they're all distracted by a Reba reunion, we're sneaking onto and winning The Singing Bee. Zach writes the next hit country song, Jared brags about his juicy turkey, and Adam becomes the li...

We spent so much time asking ourselves what WOULD qualify as dessert, we forgot to ask ourselves what CANNOT qualify as dessert. As it turns out, the answer is simple. It's egg. Dessert can't have an egg on it. So ready the egg cannon, we have some desserts to ruin. Zach isn't good at Halo, Jared imagines a tomato bisque cake, and Adam insists he is proficient at snatching eggs. Talking Points Inc...

We go to school. We work hard to get a good paying job. We save up our money with the hope of one day never having to work again. And the one thing we all are striving for in life? The thing that will let us know we've made it? Traveling the world and eating good food. Preferably ham. Preferably on someone else's dime. Zach thinks he is in the top 50% of personable humans, Jared's day rate is a BL...

Plumb an orphan's toilet, they are fixed for a day. Teach an orphan to plumb, they can fix their own toilet and perhaps become plumbers one day. And we are REALLY gonna need to double down on that second option because even with our game show winnings, we can't keep up with all the charitable plumbing work we are doing. Zach rehauls the British alphabet, Jared recounts his split or steal vs robots...

When trying to convince a judge that your tiny world has a history dating back thousands of years, you need to make sure you have the evidence. You know, tiny dino fossils, tiny Jesus, and of course the horrors of The Great Butterscotch War fought against the ants. That way you can ensure you are paid repercussions for having your civilization used as a prop on a game show. Zach got lost in Michae...

We know what you're thinking. Why would we continue this tradition if we hate the Saw movies so much? Honestly, we're not sure. Even OUR commitment to bits isn't THAT strong. But as the movies get more convoluted, our plans reach both extremes. Meaning? We are either going to time travel, or do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Zach's tummy hurts, Jared makes a legally binding Saw Pact, and Adam stumbles over a...