Journey From Grief to Healing

In Episode 19 of my podcast, Journey from Grief to Healing I follow M's advice and talk to Babe through my journal. It was a tough journal to write. Like so many other parts of the grieving experience it's not what I want to do. It's what I have to do if I want to experience healing.

In Episode 18 of my podcast, Journey From Grief to Healing, I played music in my home. I hadn't played music since Babe entered the hospital six months earlier. The first song that randomly played was Garth Brooks' Unanswered Prayers.' It wasn't easy, but I listened to it.

In Episode 17 M points out all the small steps forward I've taken in my grieving process. M claims even the smallest step is a victory. M Challenges me to take the biggest step yet. 

In Episode 16 of my podcast, Journey from Grief to Healing, I describe grieving as walking through a parallel universe of not knowing. I do not know how it will end. I do not know when it will end. I do not know my way through. This is what grieving feels like to me.

In Episode 15 from my podcast, Journey from Grief to Healing, M wanted me to continue to reflect on my emptiness. The only thing I was sure of was I wasn't sure of much. M spoke some difficult truths .M said suffering for all humans was unavoidable. I didn't want to hear it, but I recognized its truth. 

In Episode 14 M asks me what I am feeling. She makes the distinction between how I feel and what I feel. It took me a while to process my grieving feelings. I described Babe's death as an emptiness that could never be filled. M helps me to understand why the feeling emptiness accompanies grieving.

In Episode 13 I share my second grieving group experience. M wants to talk about what it feels like to have a broken heart. I told M Babe's death shattered my heart into a 1000 pieces.

The first Christmas after losing a loved one is tough. It was for me. Babe was a Christmas girl. She loved the season. A wonderful gift she's given me are good memories and how special she made Christmas time. Wishing you all a peace and joy filled Christmas.

M wanted me to journal about unanswered prayers. I knew I was angry with God for letting Babe die. I didn't realize how angry I felt. This journal was difficult for me to write. I knew it had to be done. I couldn't continue to stuff my anger. 

I meet with M for breakfast. M sees I still hold onto my anger. I don't want to talk about it. M doesn't let it go, she asks if I am angry with God. Her question opened a wound. M tries to help me come to grips with my anger with God before it makes my grieving and suffering worse. M gives me some much needed wisdom.

This was a tough journal entry. It opened up many raw wounds. I recalled my experiences with doctors and hospital administrators who cared more about financial status than about patients. The real heroes for me were the RN's and CMA's who were overworked and underpaid. My grieving andf suffering were open wounds.

Journaling continues to be hard but necessary work during my grieving journey. In Episode 9 I release the anger I felt toward the doctors who were treating Babe. I realize that holding onto the anger has one victim and the victim is me.

M encouraged me to journal as a way to get in touch with my emotions related to my grieving and accompanying suffering. I didn't realize the depth and breadth of emotions I had been repressing as I grieved. I discovered journal is a big help in working through grief.

M tells me how journaling helped her deal with her emotions and suffering while she grieved Peter's death. As I thought about journaling I realized I'd been stuffing my anger. I wondered if stuffing my anger added to my suffering and grief.

Those who attended the grieving group with me became my teachers. I learned that we all grieve differently. For each of us who grieve, the suffering hurts like hell. M encourages me to start making new friends.

I sucked it up and took M's advice and attended a grieving group meeting. The women at the meeting taught me a powerful lesson that has remained with me.

Episode 4. I can't shake the suffering. Grieving is an open wound. I walk into my study and see Babe's desk and unopened computer. She is everywhere and nowhere close to me. Pain rips through me at every turn. I meet M at Starbucks. M has advice for me.

Episode 3. My five daughter arrive and helped with the funeral arrangements. I was grateful for them. I felt as if I were sleepwalking and would wake up any moment to discover it was all a bad dream. God sent me an angel in the form of a woman I'd never seen before and she had a special message for me.

Episode 2. In this episode, I describe how I felt when Babe died. I felt I was hit with a sledgehammer. A friend, M., stopped by. She told me my suffering was both a mystery with no answers and unavoidable. All humans will experience it. She assured me, I'd get through. She got through her grieving with the help and love of friends when she lost her husband. 

Episode 1 - I describe the raw emotions that hit when my wife and best friend, Barb died. Hosted by Dr. Ray Calabrese