It's Not That Deep

We like to feel happy, it feels great! And it’s much better than feeling unsafe, or sad or any of the unpleasant emotions. So we reach for a ‘quick fix’ of external objects to make us feel better, but that dopamine hit does not last long, so we keep reaching for the next thing. How can we become more content on the inside? Because without that, no matter how many external things we...

In this episode we explore why we tell lies. Generally we lie either to protect ourselves, or to protect others! But of course, there is lots of nuance within those positions. We discuss whether there is such a thing as a white lie, and whether they are ever ok. Sometimes, might lying be a kindness? Or perhaps there is a pleasant way to express our truth – if the intention is good t...

In this episode we explore the reasons why we might suppress our emotions; from those not wanting to express unpleasant emotions in public through to people who were taught in childhood that expressing emotions is dangerous. We acknowledge the desire to put on a ‘brave face’, or the experience of boring ourselves with our low mood, so not wanting to put that on others. Can we learn to ask our...

In this episode we discuss how, when we feel confronted, we can react and fight back. We discuss where this comes from, what’s happening in our brains, and how we may resort to a ‘tit for tat’ situation. We reflect on the impact on us once we have calmed down, perhaps a feeling of shame or regret. And we discuss the impact of knee-jerk reactions on child-rearing!  We acknowledge the...

In this episode we explore what we might mean by ‘fine’, if and when it’s appropriate or protective to say we are fine, even when we aren’t. Sometimes though, we say ‘fine’ when we aren’t, because we have told ourselves a story about the consequences of telling our friends how we really are. This can mean that we may isolate ourselves; maybe though fear or shame. We can compare ourselves...

The human brain is amazing! It allows us to do something that no other mammal can do – we can time travel. We can reminisce about the past and we can plan and look forward to the future. However, there is also a less helpful consequence to this – we can beat ourselves up about things we did in the past, (something we have covered in previous podcasts) and we can catastrophise about...

There’s a societal lean towards prioritising our rational brains over our emotions, but is that always helpful? In this episode we explore what we know about the science around the role of the gut in emotions, how we might be able to notice what’s going on in our bodies, rather than just relying on our brains, and how we use our gut feelings in our work. When we have had a difficult star...

In this episode we discuss the feeling of unfairness if we let someone off the hook! If we forgive, does that mean we need to forget?  And does that make us naïve? There is an ‘unsafe’ feeling when someone we thought we knew acts in a way we weren’t expecting. We may feel that it says something about us – that we are too vulnerable, something has been exposed and that can feel...

Most of us will have had the experience of feeling offended by something someone says about us. There is a difference between a personal comment, and a difference of opinion. When our opinions are challenged, we can think that we are personally being attacked – that our opinions ARE us. We explore how true this is, and discuss the idea that we grow and change our ideas over time. Sh...

In this episode we discuss why we often don’t feel comfortable in our own skins, and how we look at others and wish we were more like them. Why is it we want to be different from how we are? We ponder how we can become more comfortable, to show kindness to ourselves whilst encouraging ourselves to push at our window of tolerance. As always, we offer some strategies to accepting ourselves and...

Our thoughts can feel like they are part of us, that they are fixed and unchangeable. We explore where ‘thinking’ happens in the brain, and when in evolutionary terms thinking – the ability to ‘time-travel’ in thoughts started. This ability can, and is, a great benefit to us; AND it can also cause us problems! In the past, we have both been experts at worrying, catastrophising about pote...

Why do we feel guilt? Most of us experience guilt at some point. In this episode we begin with discussing why we would need guilt as a useful human tool – given how unpleasant it feels. It is a process that helps us to stay part of a group, it’s entirely about relationships and the way we relate to others, and historically that helped to keep us safe. Our childhood patterns mean that we...

This is something that feels very familiar to both of us, and we suspect, many other people too! It can be driven by not feeling good enough, which then drives us to strive to be ‘perfect’. We discuss where that comes from in an evolutionary sense, that generalisation of needing to be safe in the group – and how those are now distorted into self-limiting beliefs. We think about how much...

In this episode we discuss how our loved ones don't always get the best version of us?’   This is something we probably all recognise at times! We perhaps make more of an effort with work-colleagues and friends than we do with those at home. Is there something about it being more comfortable – perhaps we can relax and ask for our own needs to be met at home in a way we can’t in the...

In this episode, we discuss how nervousness is a way to keep us connected to the group, and this is an evolutionary mechanism (of course!). It’s separate from a survival fear, though related to it. We explore how this may show up in our modern worlds, and how it can be a useful way of being able to focus on a task, and how this might be organised in the brain. We turn to what we might be able...

This episode focusses on goals and achievements – most of us love a list! Completing tasks can feel great; and sometimes it can be overwhelming. We split apart different types of goals – those that are tangible and those that are intangible. The intangible ones may be things that society tells us we ‘ought’ to have achieved by a certain age or stage of life. Tangible ones give us a...

In this episode we explore where embarrassment comes from (spoiler alert, it has an evolutionary advantage!), it comes from a sense of wanting to belong, be part of the group. And this is where our safety comes from. But, if as a child we had inconsistent parenting then we can internalise shame and that can lead to limiting behaviours as an adult, such as not wanting to be seen or getting emb...

In this episode we discuss feelings of not being good enough, and those times when we might self-sabotage in order to save ourselves from ‘failure’ – a sense of saving face. This can often come from a lack of self-belief. And that can lead to self-limiting beliefs about who we are as a person.  We relate this to our own experiences of relationships, and explore how our ‘blueprint’ o...

In this episode, we discuss why we might agree to do things even when we don't want to. Perhaps it's so that we are seen as a ‘nice’ person, helpful and considerate, but this can also lead us to feeling unseen and overwhelmed. Our exploration of overwhelm leads us to a discussion about self-care and how we can hold our boundaries. How can we find a balance between doing the things and taking...

In this episode we discuss that being busy has become a badge of honour, even though as humans we need down-time. We explore the 3 main reasons we feel the need to stay busy and the physiological impact on us for remaining busy. We share experiences from our own lives and importantly we discuss what we can do to break the patterns of ‘doing’ all the time, including setting boundaries, re...

It's not just vanity. It's a hard-wired, and an evolutionary urge linked to reproduction and the continuation of the species. The ‘need’ to be perfect has now become linked to social media and filters. We need to have enough self-respect to take care of ourselves, without tipping over into focusing only on our appearance. We discuss whether it is a search for happiness that makes us...

In this episode we discuss why it is we don’t like change, and the fact that this is driven by evolution – we like predictability as it feels safe. There is a discomfort when we are confronted by change AND we actually encounter change all the time, from small things (people being late to meet us) to really big things (being made redundant or a relationship ending). We get through those...

In this episode we explore why we might have low self-esteem or a low opinion of ourselves. This is something that comes up a lot for both of us in our client-work and even in ourselves at times. We discuss how we develop a low opinion of ourselves, the impact this might have on our lives, and how we might overcome it. We muse on how we might step away from comparing ourselves to so...

In this episode we explore how overthinking things leads to stress and causes us a lot of unhappiness and potentially leads to physical problems too. It is a protection mechanism to plan for possible problems but of course we cannot control the future and worrying about it can be really unhelpful. We explore the reasons why we do it and offer some advice and strategies for helping ourselves. Find...

In this episode we reflect on how differently everyone processes grief, the different emotions that the Queen's passing has brought up and how there is no right way we are supposed to feel. Ultimately, can we be tolerant, understanding and kind towards each other however we are feeling or responding. Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy...