IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

"Send Ben a text" Human Beings are Herd Animals This is not a bad thing. We have evolved this way. It has kept us alive as a species.  The problem is that most people aren't' aware of their herd mentality and the impact that it has on their lives and how they parent.  Some examples of herd thinking, feeling, and actions are religion, politics, and sports. There's nothing w...

"Send Ben a text" Procrastination is a natural human habit and tendency, but you don't have to be its slave.  5 Myths About Procrastinating Teens Myth #1 My Teen is Lazy .  Myth #2 Procrastination is a Character Flaw Myth #3 Procrastination Will Ruin My Teen's Life   Myth #4 My Teen will ALWAYS Be a Procrastinator Myth #5 Procrastination is a HUGE Problem 5 Truths About Procras...

"Send Ben a text" "External events should not affect how you feel."  ~ Louis  Wheel of Life This is a visual concept that I teach to help parents and teens understand that life is 50/50. It's 50% pleasant and 50% unpleasant. This is normal. Nothing has gone wrong. When things are going great in our lives, we are on the top of the wheel. When things kind of suck, or things...

"Send Ben a text" Why do Teens Procrastinate? First of all, procrastination is just part of being a human. It's part of what we do to conserve energy and keep ourselves safe.  A lot of the teens that I work with have the habit of procrastinating in an attempt to avoid feeling an unpleasant emotion like boredom or overwhelm.  Often times when we've procrastinated, the result is...

"Send Ben a text" What is the Honeymoon Phase? This podcast is in response to a question that I recently got from one of our podcast listeners. So, Gosia, this podcast is for you.  Back when my wife and I hosted a podcast about foster parenting we had an episode all about using the honeymoon phase as a foster parent.  One thing that we had noticed as foster parents was that a lot of fost...

"Send Ben a text" Awareness Changes EVERYTHING! Last week we talked about the power of awareness and how to develop the skill of awareness.  I believe that awareness should come before we try to make changes.  Many times, once we've increased our awareness, things change without us even trying to bring about change.  Intentionality is the Next Step. It's powerful to be aware of...

"Send Ben a text" Awareness Changes EVERYTHING! Have you ever heard the saying, "You don't know what you don't know"? This is true in our own lives. We don't know what we don't know. Often times we simply know that we want a change, but we lack the awareness to really understand exactly what it is that we want to change.  Often times we think we can simply c...

"Send Ben a text" Your Brain is Like Google Your brain is seriously like Google. It will find whatever you are looking for, and in record time, along with tons of supporting evidence.  Dads might notice their favorite car on the road or a trophy buck up a mountainside. Moms might notice a particularly good deal on a favorite purchase or always know where their kids' shoes are.  The...

"Send Ben a text" Teenagers inadvertently adopt our mindsets and beliefs! "Calm is contagious [ . . .] You can supplant any word you want for ' calm ' — chaos is contagious , panic is contagious , stupid 100% is contagious , [ . . ] "So we like ' calm ' because it lets you keep your head, it keeps you focused on the mission at hand." ~ Former Navy SEAL...

"Send Ben a text" What is blaming? First of all, blaming is part of being human!  As far as I know, EVERYONE blames sometimes. It's important to talk about blame because many times we do this without realizing that we are doing it.  Blaming is simply giving responsibility for something that we think has gone wrong, to someone or something else.  We live in a day and age when blaming...

"Send Ben a text" What is Manipulation? Trying to change or control other peoples' actions, feelings, and/or thoughts according to our own desires. Often times we manipulate our teens by trying to get them to feel negative emotions, like shame, guilt, or sadness.  Manipulation is a human skill that can be used for good and for bad.  What is People-Pleasing? People-Pleasing is when w...

"Send Ben a text" Why Do We "Need" to Fix Others? I want to start out by saying that human beings are fixers! We love to fix things! As parents, many of us have come to believe that it is our job to fix our teens. Coupled with our years of experience and all our time, love and resources invested on our kids, we think we have the duty and right to change and fix our teens.  When...

"Send Ben a text" Have You Ever Limited Yourself with a Goal? I have done this, and I've seen both the parents and teens that I work with do this too.  You set a goal that's "realistic." In fact, you hold yourself back a little just to make sure that is is realistic. You reach your goal in half the time that you planned, and then you sit back and relax and do little t...

"Send Ben a text" Everyone's Mental Health Needs are Unique Last week we talked about mental and emotional health and how I define it. For me, Mental Health refers to: Mental and emotional well being.  The ability to be aware of one's thoughts, feelings, and how they relate to their actions and results.  The ability to process thoughts and emotions, both positive and negative o...

"Send Ben a text" Mental Health vs Mental Illness vs Mental Disorder Lots of people use the terms "mental health," "mental illness," and "mental disorder" interchangeably.  For me, mental health and mental illness refer to two different things.  For me, Mental Health refers to: Mental and emotional well being.  The ability to be aware of one's thoughts,...

"Send Ben a text" Why Is It SO Hard To Be Resilient? It IS hard to be resilient, and it’s hard to develop resilience. But, it’s not hard in an impossible bad way. It’s hard in a good empowering way. Asking why it’s hard to develop resilience is like asking why it’s hard to bench press or lift weights. The answer is because it has to be hard. Lifting weights is supposed to be hard. If it...

"Send Ben a text" 3 Simple Mindset Shifts Desire vs Shame Instead of letting shame drive your goals, try harnessing the power of desire . Instead of, "I need," or "I should ," try . . . " I WANT TO . . . !" " I want to stop yelling at my teen." " I want to appreciate my teen." Can you feel the difference? Rather than doing it out of shame...

"Send Ben a text" Two Traditions, " Christmas Gift! " and Find the Lamb My wife's family has a tradition.  Each Christmas, people try to be the first to greet one another by saying, "Christmas Gift!" We try to sneak in to the house without being seen, just so we can catch someone unaware and "Christmas Gift" them.  It's a fun tradition that gets th...

"Send Ben a text" What is your future? Your future-self only exists in your imagination.  Your future is not better than your present or your past.  Your future-self can be a guide and mentor. When we focus on our future, that focus can give us direction in the present and in difficult moments.  The better we get to know our future-self, the more we live in alignment with who we want to...

"Send Ben a text" What is your present? This is where you have power and control.  What you think about your past or your future is in the present. You have the power to control how you will think about your past and future from now on.  What you currently think and believe creates how you feel and act, which determines your current reality and results.  We are creating our future right...

"Send Ben a text" What is your past? Your past self only exists in your mind in the form of memories. All those moments in the past that you are proud of, or maybe a little ashamed of, only exist in memory form. You get to decide what your past means in your life. You get to define how your past influences your present. You get to decide the story that you tell about your past. Your past...

"Send Ben a text" Look for opportunities instead of obstacles. Early in 2020, I followed a lot of the narrative about how bad 2020 was turning out to be. Inadvertently, I started believing all of the talk and I started seeing all of the obstacles.  Before I knew it, I was down, depressed, worried, and convinced that 2020 was indeed the worst year ever.  Luckily I started looking for the...

"Send Ben a text" Managing your emotions is POWERFUL! Last week we talked about the power of managing YOUR OWN emotions.  We discussed how it is an opportunity for you as a parent to turn tough parenting moments into powerful parenting moments.  We talked about how managing your emotions will help you connect with your teen, teach by example, and be intentional in the way you parent. Tod...

"Send Ben a text" Emotionally Intentional Parenting is POWERFUL! Some parenting experts say, "You've got to parent WITHOUT emotion."  I think that idea is SO WRONG! Our teens don't want to be parented by robots. they want parents who are emotionally invested. Rather than parenting without emotion, we need to parent with intention and control when it comes to our emoti...

"Send Ben a text" What Do You Want? Most of us think we have a pretty good idea about what we want.  When someone asks us, "What do you want for your birthday?" or "What do you want for Christmas?" we can usually come up with an answer pretty quickly.  So, I want to do an exercise with you. This is an exercise that I have done with some of my past students, foster kid...