IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

"Send Ben a text" Why Do We "Need" to Fix Others? I want to start out by saying that human beings are fixers! We love to fix things! As parents, many of us have come to believe that it is our job to fix our teens. Coupled with our years of experience and all our time, love and resources invested on our kids, we think we have the duty and right to change and fix our teens.  When...

"Send Ben a text" Have You Ever Limited Yourself with a Goal? I have done this, and I've seen both the parents and teens that I work with do this too.  You set a goal that's "realistic." In fact, you hold yourself back a little just to make sure that is is realistic. You reach your goal in half the time that you planned, and then you sit back and relax and do little t...

"Send Ben a text" Everyone's Mental Health Needs are Unique Last week we talked about mental and emotional health and how I define it. For me, Mental Health refers to: Mental and emotional well being.  The ability to be aware of one's thoughts, feelings, and how they relate to their actions and results.  The ability to process thoughts and emotions, both positive and negative o...

"Send Ben a text" Mental Health vs Mental Illness vs Mental Disorder Lots of people use the terms "mental health," "mental illness," and "mental disorder" interchangeably.  For me, mental health and mental illness refer to two different things.  For me, Mental Health refers to: Mental and emotional well being.  The ability to be aware of one's thoughts,...

"Send Ben a text" Why Is It SO Hard To Be Resilient? It IS hard to be resilient, and it’s hard to develop resilience. But, it’s not hard in an impossible bad way. It’s hard in a good empowering way. Asking why it’s hard to develop resilience is like asking why it’s hard to bench press or lift weights. The answer is because it has to be hard. Lifting weights is supposed to be hard. If it...

"Send Ben a text" 3 Simple Mindset Shifts Desire vs Shame Instead of letting shame drive your goals, try harnessing the power of desire . Instead of, "I need," or "I should ," try . . . " I WANT TO . . . !" " I want to stop yelling at my teen." " I want to appreciate my teen." Can you feel the difference? Rather than doing it out of shame...

"Send Ben a text" Two Traditions, " Christmas Gift! " and Find the Lamb My wife's family has a tradition.  Each Christmas, people try to be the first to greet one another by saying, "Christmas Gift!" We try to sneak in to the house without being seen, just so we can catch someone unaware and "Christmas Gift" them.  It's a fun tradition that gets th...

"Send Ben a text" What is your future? Your future-self only exists in your imagination.  Your future is not better than your present or your past.  Your future-self can be a guide and mentor. When we focus on our future, that focus can give us direction in the present and in difficult moments.  The better we get to know our future-self, the more we live in alignment with who we want to...

"Send Ben a text" What is your present? This is where you have power and control.  What you think about your past or your future is in the present. You have the power to control how you will think about your past and future from now on.  What you currently think and believe creates how you feel and act, which determines your current reality and results.  We are creating our future right...

"Send Ben a text" What is your past? Your past self only exists in your mind in the form of memories. All those moments in the past that you are proud of, or maybe a little ashamed of, only exist in memory form. You get to decide what your past means in your life. You get to define how your past influences your present. You get to decide the story that you tell about your past. Your past...

"Send Ben a text" Look for opportunities instead of obstacles. Early in 2020, I followed a lot of the narrative about how bad 2020 was turning out to be. Inadvertently, I started believing all of the talk and I started seeing all of the obstacles.  Before I knew it, I was down, depressed, worried, and convinced that 2020 was indeed the worst year ever.  Luckily I started looking for the...

"Send Ben a text" Managing your emotions is POWERFUL! Last week we talked about the power of managing YOUR OWN emotions.  We discussed how it is an opportunity for you as a parent to turn tough parenting moments into powerful parenting moments.  We talked about how managing your emotions will help you connect with your teen, teach by example, and be intentional in the way you parent. Tod...

"Send Ben a text" Emotionally Intentional Parenting is POWERFUL! Some parenting experts say, "You've got to parent WITHOUT emotion."  I think that idea is SO WRONG! Our teens don't want to be parented by robots. they want parents who are emotionally invested. Rather than parenting without emotion, we need to parent with intention and control when it comes to our emoti...

"Send Ben a text" What Do You Want? Most of us think we have a pretty good idea about what we want.  When someone asks us, "What do you want for your birthday?" or "What do you want for Christmas?" we can usually come up with an answer pretty quickly.  So, I want to do an exercise with you. This is an exercise that I have done with some of my past students, foster kid...

"Send Ben a text" Why do you want to motivate your teen? This is a powerful question and one that I have to remind myself of often.  I've found that when I want to motivate my teen, it's because I want him to do life differently. I want HIM TO CHANGE.  This has been consistent with the parents who are looking for help motivating their teens. They want to motivate them to be dif...

"Send Ben a text" Relationships are part of resilience! Resilience is a hot buzzword right now in education, which is making it be a hot buzzword in parenting too.  This is great! It's important that we understand resilience and become more aware of what we are doing to increase our resilience. But, I worry that too many parents and teachers believe that they are not qualified to he...

"Send Ben a text" How to discipline without drama. Keep Things in Perspective. Remember that challenging parenting moments are nothing more than learning and teaching opportunities.  Look inward: What can you control? What is your role? How do you want to show up? Be emotionally intentional. Model emotional control This will help you build a rock-solid relationship This will solidify the...

"Send Ben a text" Why is purpose so important?  In Lewis Carroll's book, Alice in Wonderland, Alice comes to a fork in the road and asks,  “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?' 'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat. 'I don't much care where -' said Alice. 'Then it doesn't matter which wa...

"Send Ben a text" What makes a conversation "difficult"?  Parents tell me all the time that they don't like having "difficult" conversations with their teens.  "I don't like confrontation," some say. Or, "I don't want to make them uncomfortable." So, let's get curious for a minute.  What is it that makes a conversation difficult...

"Send Ben a text" This book is all about YOUR relationship with others.  This is the #1 book that I recommend to others, parents, school leaders, EVERYONE! Tons of people say, "Oh, I don't like leadership books," or "I don't like self-improvement books." I get it, self-improvement books aren't for everyone; BUT, this book is different! It's actuall...

"Send Ben a text" Control is Impossible This is a really hard one for parents, even myself. We have this natural desire to control our teens.  Think back a decade or so, when our teens were young kids and smaller, we could control a lot of aspects of their lives. When we asked them to get in the car, if they said "No," we could simply pick them up and strap them in a car seat....

"Send Ben a text" What is Connection? When I talk about connecting with your teen, I'm talking about YOU building YOUR relationship with them. You CANNOT control how your teen feels about you! You can do everything "right," only to have them hate and despise you. Connection is all about YOU controlling YOU and the things within YOUR control.  How do you feel about your tee...

"Send Ben a text" What is Shame? “Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” ~Brené Brown “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” ~Brené Brown Shame drives parents and teens apart and creates a belief that you’re not good enough. Emotion It’s a feeling caused by a thought (conscious or unconscious)  It goes...

"Send Ben a text" "It ain't about how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward." ~Rocky Balboa Resilience for parents and teens.  Parents worry that their teens are still struggling, worry that their teens don’t have resilience, worry that things are too hard.  You and your teens are hum...

"Send Ben a text" Are you ready to send your teen back to school? “You're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, So… get on your way!” ~Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go! A Little About Joey! Joey has been working with teens ever since he was one.  Currently, he is a middle school teacher and counselor. Joey has also been a high school teacher, Sund...