How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself

In this week's episode, we explore why loneliness can make connecting with others even harder. We'll talk about the "trying too hard" side of the equation: performing likeability with a perma-smile and jazz hands, being so relentlessly appropriate that people can't get close, and filling silence with nervous chatter that backfires. For each pattern, we'll cover a small, low-lift shift to try. The...

📢📢📢 ANNOUNCEMENT: With the next episode, I'll turn on the paid subscription feature on Substack, but everything stays FREE. No tiers, no paywalled posts. If you'd like to contribute and hold the door open for someone else, come visit at https://ellenhendriksen.substack.com 📢📢📢 Making friends as an adult feels harder than it should — but it doesn't have to. In this episode, we explore four ci...

We hear a lot about friendship—but what about acquaintances? In this week's audio newsletter, we explore the underrated value of the people who float somewhere between strangers and friends: the neighbor you wave to, the regular at your coffee shop, the parent at pickup, the guy you call "Big Dog" at the gym. This week, we'll celebrate the casual, low-pressure connections that matter so much for f...

This week, we’re talking about the 21% of people whose social anxiety comes out not as shyness, but as irritability, criticism, or pushing people away before they can be rejected. Together, we'll explore the lesser-known “fight” response to social anxiety, and why defensiveness and snark are often rooted in fear and a longing for acceptance. We'll cover three practical ways to soften those defense...

This week, listener Marissa is navigating the already tough job market with the added challenge of perfectionism whispering that she’s never quite qualified enough. We'll cover practical mindset shifts, like treating job requirements as a flexible wish list, accounting for your “perfectionism handicap,” and zooming out from microscopic self-criticism to a more balanced, big-picture view. Listen to...

This week, listener Angie asks how to disagree without feeling anxious or fake, so we lean into assertiveness: expressing your views honestly while respecting others. We break down passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive communication, and show how disagreement can be a calm contribution rather than a conflict. With simple mindset shifts (you’re adding an additional perspective, not...

The cultural mantra “don’t care what people think” is meant to be freeing, but it can actually keep us tied to the very audience we’re trying to escape. In this episode, we explore why “don’t care what people think” is more armor than liberation, and offer three better questions to guide us: Did I act with integrity? Did I try? Did I learn? If you’re tired of replaying conversations and managing i...

What happens when people pleasing shows up in your dating life? This week, we’ll illustrate how conflict avoidance fuels false positives, delays breakups, and burns us out emotionally. But rather than trying to change our wiring, we’ll tap into your naturally strong conscientiousness to test out some new mindsets.  If you struggle with people pleasing or conflict avoidance in new or old relationsh...

In this week's audio newsletter, we explore what it means to be consumed by regret when there’s no do-over—especially when that regret feels moral, unforgivable, and identity-shattering. We look at why common advice like “learn from it and move on” often falls flat, and what actually helps instead. You’ll hear three stuck points that keep us trapped in suffering: 1) believing that moving on means...

Some families show love and care by raising the bar, or by being hard on you, which backfires bigly. In this episode, we talk about externally-imposed perfectionism: what it is, why it hurts, and how it shows up with family. You’ll learn how to use acceptance and change—together—to reduce the emotional toll of criticism and ask for something different to improve connection. Get full access to How...

In this episode, we tackle other-oriented perfectionism—the habit of holding the people around us to impossible standards—and why it feels so hard to let go. Thanks to listener Kelsey’s question, we explore what we gain from being tough on others, what it costs us in our closest relationships, and concrete ways to loosen our grip without losing our values. If you’ve ever felt irritated by small mi...

If you’ve ever felt like you were “built for more” despite having a stable, successful life, this episode is for you. We explore why high achievers so often feel mismatched with their own circumstances—and why that feeling isn’t really about accomplishment at all, but incongruence , the mismatch between our identity versus our lived reality. We'll break down five surprising reasons this sense of u...

This week, dear reader “Carol” wrote in with a perfectly timed question that resonated with enough power to shatter a goblet of eggnog. She feels like the holidays are an onslaught of tests where others determine whether she is good enough. She's curious about how to resist performing the holidays. If you're already nodding in solidarity with Carol, let’s explore 3 ways to challenge the urge to pe...

Dear reader YW wrote in with a question: Why do we still struggle with social anxiety after all this time and effort to tame/understand/accept it? Is it possible to “overcome it once and for all”? This week, we'll talk about three different ways you can “overcome” anxiety while not beating yourself up when anxiety inevitably pops up again. The best part? There’s no additional work with any of thes...