Hops and Box Office Flops

Rebel Moon – Part One Director's Cut: Chalice of Blood is the far superior version of the saga’s first installment. Sadly, very few people tuned into the director’s preferred vision of the film when it dropped on Netflix eight months after the PG-13 cut. Chalice of Blood fixes many of the issues from the trimmed down one, providing much needed connective tissue and time for the viewer to breathe....

Before Bill Cosby was a serial sex offender (well, concurrently really), he was just an unfunny comedian. And Leonard Part Six is his magnum opus of unfunny. Leonard Parker is a secret agent, like a moronic James Bond of sorts. This is technically his sixth adventure. The other five are classified! That latter bit you should be happy about. Why? Because number six is as dumb as humanly possible. I...

Dana Carvey is an immensely talented and funny comedian. Sadly, Master of Disguise fails in almost every conceivable way to showcase that. It is loaded with one-note jokes and costumes that range from idiotic to absurdly racist. Thus, despite being a mild success financially, it failed to launch his career to the next level. Worse, Master of Disguise was despised by critics, narrowly avoiding a 0%...

Highlander II: The Quickening takes everything you loved about the original and throws it in the dumpster. A sequel in title only, the film is an utter travesty from start to finish. Why? Well, instead of the general premise of them simply being immortals, they are now beings from a different planet. They were sent to Earth as punishment for treason, but also inexplicably granted immortality. It o...

Saturn 3  is, quite frankly, just a bizarre film. It focuses on essentially three characters—played by just Kirk Douglas, Farah Fawcett, and Harvey Keitel—as well as a corny looking robot named Hector. Douglas and Fawcett, as Major Adam and his assistant Alex, work on one of the moon's of Saturn, striving to find solutions to Earth's hunger problem. Keitel, as the menacing Benson, shows up to brin...

Deadpool & Wolverine is a comic nerd's dream. It's a love letter to the superhero cinema that paved the path to this current generation, while also celebrating the iconic performances of Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. It's bloody, vulgar, and just a really f$%^ing great time. It also helps to reset the course for a fledgling MCU. Unlike many of the Phase 4/5 films and shows before it, you will lea...

Forgive the brevity, as we’re at comic con, but Boy Kills World is a bloody good time, and you should watch it! Now, sit back, prepare to fight with an Atomic Slam Hazy Double IPA from Paperback Brewing , and don't be a f$%# puppet! I, the Thunderous Wizard ( @WriterTLK ), Bling Blake , and Chumpzilla are laying the smackdown to sugary cereal mascots at the Culling! This Week’s Segments: Introduct...

Equilibrium centers on post-World War III society, Libria, where emotions have been outlawed. Daily, citizens must take scheduled injections of Prozium II to ensure they don't begin to feel. Violators are handled with prejudice. If that sounds familiar, it should. Equilibrium, despite a few nifty action scenes, is highly derivative of better dystopian fiction. One of its few innovations—enforcemen...

The Running Man , starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, resembles the Richard Bachman (Stephen King) novel it was based on in name only. Naturally, since its lead is the "Austrian Oak," it is a testosterone-fueled action movie with a light sprinkling of dystopian allegories. That said, it crushes both of those elements. Certainly, The Running Man's dire warnings may feel satirical, but viewed through a...

When it was released in 1982, few could've predicted Blade Runner would become the cultural landmark that it did. Sure, it was well reviewed at the time and remains so, but it was generally slept on by audiences. Time has only seen the appreciation for it grow. Its cult status is well deserved. Blade Runner is a masterpiece of the genre—a truly seminal science fiction film. Buoyed by Rutger Hauer'...

Jury Duty was one of the last gasps in the fading stardom of Pauly Shore. Son of the legendary Mitzi Shore, Pauly was briefly—and inexplicably—a Hollywood thing in the 90s. With his dopey, laissez-faire  chic, he headlined a string of movies, most of which weren’t very good. Jury Duty falls into the unfortunate section of his filmography. A riff on 12 Angry Men, the movie centers on one dipshit ju...

Nothing But Trouble is so bizarre that it's hard to believe it exists. The brain child of Dan Aykroyd, it is a menagerie of his wildest ideas and characters. And, since he wrote, directed, and produced it, there was nobody on set with enough clout to have him rein it in a little. Ghostbusters this is not. Despite that, Aykroyd should be commended for going all in on his ideas. When your film invol...

In Find Me Guilty , Vin Diesel stars as "Fat" Jackie DiNorscio, one of several defendants in a federal racketeering trial. That trial was the longest Mafia trial in American history. That conceit is interesting in and of itself, but the fact that DiNorscio served as his own attorney really puts it over the top. Using original court transcripts throughout, DiNorscio makes for a compelling movie cha...

Gotti is the dramatic retelling of the rise and fall of one time New York Mafia kingpin John J. Gotti. Historically, mob stories have been excellent cinematic fodder. That is not the case here. Produced by Junior Gotti, the son of the late head of the Gambino Crime Family, this film lacks a compelling narrative. And since it is told non-linearly, most of the proceedings are a jumbled mess. Thus, f...

Land of the Lost is the second reboot of a niche TV show from the 70s. With a far bigger budget and a cast of comedy all-stars—including Will Ferrell and Danny McBride—one would think the big screen version would elevate the odd source material. Alas, it could not. Land of the Lost is an unfunny slog through a pseudo prehistoric parallel dimension. It is one filled with a vengeful T-Rex, horny liz...

Waterworld  was Kevin Costner’s massive swing at post-apocalyptic adventure. As the film’s gruff lead, the Mariner, Costner is essentially just a seafaring Mad Max, wandering the oceanic wasteland trying to survive. If that sounds cool, then you’ll probably love it. And for the most part, it is pretty damn awesome. What made Waterworld such an easy target for critics and the public was its massive...

Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins is based on The Destroyer series of pulp novels. Clearly inspired by James Bond, the character takes an American spin on the cloak and dagger antics of black ops. Unlike Agent 007, though, Remo Williams—at least in his big screen incarnation—is not the most compelling character. And by modern sensibilities, it doesn't help that his trainer—an elderly Korean mari...

Sahara was meant to be the next big adventure franchise—an Indiana Jones for a new era. Its main character—Dirk Pitt played by Matthew McConaughey—was the lead in a series of novels by Clive Cussler. The material was there to be mined, but the audience was not. Despite its inspiration, Sahara could not match the popularity of the novels. Grossing just $119 million worldwide, it took quite the hit...

Speed Racer , based on a popular Japanese Manga and cartoon from the 1960s, is a CGI explosion of high speed hijinks. Directed by Lilly and Lana Wachowski, it embodies much of what made the series so beloved. That works to its benefit and detriment. For those unfamiliar with Speed Racer's inspiration, there is a barrier to entry. Essentially, this is an eccentric film based on an eccentric propert...

Alita: Battle Angel , based on a popular Manga series, is a cyberpunk action film from Robert Rodriguez. Full of CGI and over the top fisticuffs, Alita: Battle Angel is quite often visually dazzling. It truly feels like an anime come to life. Where it fails is its storytelling. The titular Alita is not a particularly compelling character, and her romance with Hugo is even less interesting. Such a...

GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a somewhat successful live-action adaptation of the beloved GI Joe cartoon and toy line. It's a big, loud, dumb, and, at times, very fun action film. Most of the adjectives above will come as no surprise for fans of Stephen Sommers–he of The Mummy and The Mummy Returns fame. The DNA of what made those films such enjoyable adventure romps is here. Unfortunately, so is h...

The Last Airbender —the 2010 version written, produced, and directed by M. Night Shyamalan—is an affront to cinema. Yes, it is that bad; and no, it is not worth wasting more brain power writing about. Now, sit back, douse the Fire Nation's flames with a Tropic Force IPA from Voodoo Ranger, and practice that water bending! I, the Thunderous Wizard ( @WriterTLK ),  Bling Blake ,  and  Chumpzilla are...

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom  is the abandoned child of a now-defunct cinematic universe. Pushed multiple times and released far after James Gunn's announcement of his new DCU, the writing was on the wall, or in the sand, for the King of Atlantis' fate. And, yet, the studio still felt they needed to tinker with it to death. The fingerprints of studio meddling are all over Aquaman and the Lost King...

Madame Web is Sony's latest vapid entry in their ever burgeoning catalogue of films centering around the villains of Spider-Man. And, yes, like Morbius , that hero is nowhere to be seen. In fact, since the film largely takes place in 2003, he hasn't even been born yet. Our heroine here is Cassandra Webb, an EMT born with powers she has yet to realize she's been given. The how and the why of that t...

Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania was the bite-sized hero's attempt to elevate the stakes of his solo outings. With Kang—the MCU's big bad in waiting—as the film's central villain, it was meant to serve as a narrative intro for the next Avengers team up. Alas, that appears like it is not to be. Even before Jonathan Majors, the actor portraying Kang, ran afoul with the law, Quantumania's poor revie...