Handing the Shame Back

00:00 Introduction 00:55 Nathan's Story 25:35 Summary Meet Nathan Spiteri - Part 1 of his story Survivor. Advocate. Writer. Actor  Nathan was targeted and groomed by a stranger at the local pools. He was raped from the age of  8 until he was 13 years old, and felt he ended up being a Stockholm relationship. He has achieved much since then including writing a book and doing a TedTalk, all to h...

 Dysregulation This is commonly described as someone who struggles with managing emotions, or controlling their impulsive behaviour. This is a common feature survivors have and sometimes they don't know they are doing it, or even how to manage it.  In those moments what you can do is provide a calm and nurturing environment till they can settle back into emotional regulation. For more tips an...

Survivors, Silence has been used against us in destructive and manipulative ways, mainly  to keep us silent and therefore the secret, hidden and buried. Did you know that silence is available to us to use as well? We can use it in conversation with people who struggle to hear our stories, or who minimise them when they. Instead of justifying ourselves, lets just use silence as our response.. It is...

Survivors Not having a relationship with family members is difficult enough without people judging us for it. In this clip I discuss ways to navigate this, as well as offering congratulations to you for having the courage to stand up for what you believe. By choosing to end those relationships, is exactly what you needed to do. How do I know this? Because you did it. Go to our website (see below)...

Meet Marita Murphy:  Victim. Survivor. Advocate. This is part 2 of Marita's story. She was initially sexually abused by a teenage boy & friend of the family, meant to care for her.  Her first night in that home, age 7 changed the trajectory of her whole life. She discusses the ongoing battle she has in trying to seek justice and be recompensed for what she suffered. She has support behind...

Meet Marita Murphy:  Victim. Survivor. Advocate. This is part 1 of Marita's story. She was initially sexually abused by a teenage boy & friend of the family, meant to care for her. Her first night in that home, age 7 changed the trajectory of her whole life. What helped her through was being believed and returned to her mothers care, her love of horses and books. for more on her story and...

Hey Survivors This is linked to Lorward Choi's interview, now live on YouTube. Not giving up on yourself, can be a real challenge. E.g., stopping the self care, the self love and can even include not having your own back. Here's one idea on how to combat this: You are here for a reason, you made it through for a reason, and even one thing you may say may help even one other person. Go to...

Meet Lorward Choi Survivor. Optimist. Brother. In this: Part 2 of his interview, Lorward discusses the challenges he faced, sometimes on a daily basis when it all felt really hard. How not giving up could happen in small ways as a survivor, and that even one small action, like making his bed, could be considered a win, especially on those difficult days. Just to recap on Part 1, in case you missed...

Meet Lorward Choi Brother. Optimist. Survivor.  He was groomed and abused in his first year at college by someone who was considered a friend. This person was three years older and over several years repeatedly manipulated, groomed and abused him. What helped Lorward through his healing was Journaling, Advocacy and Therapy. You can reach out to him on email at: lorwardchoi4@gmail.com HELP NZ    Se...

Survivors This tip is linked to Juanita Phillips interview, which is now live on YouTube. We need to understand dysregulation and how it affects us: It shows itself in our inability to control or regulate our emotional responses. For example: we may experience overly intense emotions, compulsive behaviour or may struggle with decision making or avoiding difficult emotions. The big one we struggle...

Meet Juanita Phillips Survivor. Advocate. Poet. In this: Part 2 of her interview, Juanita discusses how Dysregulation affected her life as a survivor. She talks about how it showed up, and how she learned to manage it.  Just to recap on Part 1, in case you missed it: Junita survived abuse from 8 perpetrators starting from the age of 3. She tried to get justice by going to court, not once but twice...

Meet Juanita Phillips Survivor. Advocate. Poet.  She survived abuse from 8 perpetrators starting from the age of 3. She tried to get justice by going to court, not once but twice. The first time in the late 90’s and then again in 2017. Juanita felt that not much has changed, within the justice system, it is still not a good experience. What helped her was the unconditional love she got from pets,...

All too often as survivors we find ourselves justifying what happened, over explaining, compensating, rationalising and defending our position. Stop doing that. We don't owe anything to anyone, the abusers are the ones that should be doing this. Its important to realise our over explaining is just our wounded child needing validation, and we need to hold our heads up high and hold our power....

Survivors: Sometimes we have an intention or a wish to have certain things experienced. We put it out there and hope it will happen. BUT: Then we get really busy, scrambling to MAKE it happen. STOP!! Get out of your own way.  Go to our website (see below) for more information on resources available, and if you are looking for coaching whether survivor or supporter. https://www.handingtheshameback....

Survivor, advocate, Traditional Chinese Medicine Practitioner  'After decades, a NZ woman reveals her explosive escape from the SRA cult she was meant to lead'. This is Phillippa's story. She was abused by her grandfather from when she was a baby and then subsequently over the years. He had trained her father to be a perpetrator as well, and her mother was complicit in the abuse, as...

Survivors  Seeing your Abuser This provides insight into responses triggered by seeing your abuser unexpectedly. Your behaviour may surprise you, especially if they were not charged, or just got away with what they did. Please, if you don't know what to do: do nothing!  That way you cant look back in time to come, and regret your actions.  Go to our website (see below) for more information on...

Meet Rehann Handford, Dad. Survivor. and Mens Mental Health Advocate. He was sexually Abused between 7 and 12 years of age by a male family friend around 5 years older than he was. Unsurprisingly, this impacted Reehan's entire life.  He believes that it is ok to not be ok, and to allow yourself to work through that.  When he finally shared the truth of his abuse with someone, he walked out of...

Monthly Tips for those of you Supporting survivors. Sometimes your survivor telling their story to people who struggle with cognitive dissonance, can be counterproductive, as they end up feeling not believed or that it is a personal slight on them. Please do remind them that people do the best they can with what they know, and that for some, child sexual abuse is too much to handle, so may be easi...

Survivors We need to look for the positives in our lives. We sometimes default to existing in our trauma responses, and being careful, cautious and over anxious. Lets instead start to look for what is going right. The old saying what we give our attention to grows is true. Gratitude works. Go to our website (see below) for more information on resources available, and if you are looking for coachin...

Meet Rachel Vaughan Abused from when she was a toddler, what Rachel has been through is unimaginable. This brave survivor says that speaking out has helped her enormously, as has writing and having the support of her siblings. She is determined that this abuse will not ruin her life, and says speaking with other survivors, speaking publicly about her abuse, and therefore helping others to deal wit...

Survivors  Cognitive Dissonance Describes the mental discomfort people feel when their beliefs clash with reality. With CSA they want to believe that people are good and children are safe. When confronted with your story, it messes with their minds and leaves them conflicted. This translates to you not being validated the way you had hoped. Go to our website (see below) for more information on res...

John Callas Filmmaker. Survivor. Author John's trauma began when he was 3 and his dad died. His sisters friend tried to rape him when he was 11, this deeply impacted his trust of women, and was solidified when his mum sent him to military school at 13. Once there, his headmaster took a liking to him and began grooming him, coming into his room at night. This was to continue until he was 15 ye...

Survivors  Trusting your instinct is something we constantly need to revisit. It will be difficult, as we couldn't follow our instinct during the abuse, we were powerless children. Right there is the premise for not trusting ourselves as an adult!  Quick tip: Before you make a decision on anything important; check in with how you feel. If you feel anxious or concerned, that is your instinctua...

Meet Emma Jane Taylor Survivor. Campaigner/Founder Project 9010  90 being the percentage of abusers known to child, the other 10 being the percentage of strangers, therefore unknown to the child. At age 9 years, Emma Jane was abused, and this was a one off occurrence. Two years later, her Dad left the family when she was 11. She was then groomed and abused by a family friend during her early teena...

For Survivors of sexual abuse: Feeling confident doesn't happen naturally, the fear and paralysis can be so strong, it can re-traumatise us if ignored. It is to be expected that we would  struggle with people in positions of power and control and this is what underlies the abuse we suffered. Some things to try that may help: Establish clear boundaries  Become more assertive Build a support ne...