From Surviving to Thriving: A No Tools, No Techniques Shift from Stress and Overwhelm to Fulfilment

Would you like directions or instructions for the SAT NAV because I, like many others who want to help, could do either. I could tell you all the things I have done. All the tools and techniques I tried. How I went on my journey from burn out to Queen of Calm. But there's a really good chance, that won't help because that's my way and my job as a coach is not to tell you what to do. My job is to d...

It's impossible not to think! I tried it for a while. Meditation seemed to be the way to do that. But those thoughts just kept popping in. Of course because we are supposed to think. You cannot stop that. The initial thought predictably turns up but there here are some things which can follow on from that first thought. Thinking about thinking, giving meaning to thoughts and feelings and the idea...

I spent years misunderstanding my feelings. It went through 2 phases. The first phase looked like this. If I felt angry, I thought that was coming from the person who wronged me. If I felt happy, I thought that feeling was coming from a circumstance I had created. If I felt unmotivated, I thought that was coming from an uninspiring task. The second phase looked like this. If I felt angry, I though...

Let me show you where calm isn't because then you will find it yourself. Because calm isn't in having some time to yourself, in the run you do every day or in the bar of chocolate or the glass of wine. It also isn't in the massage, the meditation or the walk. It isn't even in the yoga class!  I know that's the time you feel it most but maybe you have touched it at other times. In a moment of crisi...

If we could see inside each other have you ever thought about that we would see? I think we would see so much that is similar. Similar insecurities,  thoughts and feelings. All with each person's unique flavour of course but similar all the same. I think that might be the most important thing we could learn. Because, in the seeing of that, there is calm. It means there is nothing wrong with the wa...

Noisily searching to be calm was something I was doing that for a long time. It involved trying to control a lot. I tried to maintain a circumstances, make changes and repeating certain practises so I could be calm. But all that was done within a misunderstanding of how life works. Because, life is changeable and this world of form nothing is permanent. And if we don't get that, we are in constant...

You cannot argue with a drunk person. I mean have you ever tried that. When I was a teacher, I quite often was the designated driver. That meant I was the sober one amongst many drunk people. Hysterical at points but very frustrating at others because have you ever tried to convince a drunk person of something they don't want to do or believe? It's nearly impossible.  The thing is, when someone is...

'What are you making up?', is a question I used to ask when I was a headteacher :-) But as I ask it now, it is in a very different way. Because all day every day, we are all making things up. In fact, human beings have been making things up for years. Rooted in the need to make sense of things I suppose. Innocent of course. But when you make things up, have you noticed the feeling? For example, if...

Beliefs, goodness do we have a lot of those. The ones about ourselves seem most believable. Surely I must know myself; know who I am and what I am capable of. Those beliefs impact on every aspect of our lives don't they? But what if they are not true? Because you start life without any beliefs and as you grow up you learn things about yourself. But none of those things are true. They form layers,...

Trying to control thoughts increases that overwhelmed feeling which is pretty much the opposite of what we are told isn't it? We are told to think positively, have grateful thoughts and think about fluffy bunnies (well maybe not that one). Have you noticed how much work that involves? Here's what I have seen around this. You have a negative thought, you judge it (and you) as wrong, you pull it bac...

Are you trying to control your emotions? Have you noticed how hard that is?  I tried to do that for a long time. I wanted to feel motivated and to stop procrastinating. I was told that was down to me. That I could change my mindset. Lots of tools and techniques were presented. I tried them all. Nothing really stuck. Because they were filling up my head with judgement, expectation and what I needed...

Have you noticed that trying to get off the roller coaster of life increases overwhelm? But it can seem like that is something to attain, a life free from ups and downs. I have noticed this recently in my client conversations. The 'if only' of feeling calm all the time. The sense that there is somewhere to get to. The idea that life could be a straight line. Or even a straight line which is always...

Addition cannot make you calmer. Because where we see lack there is judgement. Judgement is thought. It is thought which takes you away from feeling calmer. It really is that simple. Being calm is your natural state. It's the addition of thought which stops you connecting to that. Less thought = calm. If you have been trying to feel calmer for a long time, you are finally in the right place. Get f...

Confusion about truth creates that overwhelmed feeling. Because, have you considered what is really true? Your thoughts about the future? Your 'what ifs'? Your regrets about the past? None of those thoughts are true. And that overwhelmed feeling is coming from those untrue thoughts. The noise in your head. It's like running out of date software on your computer. It causes a problem. An uncomfortab...

Can you imagine what there would be without judgement? Acceptance, calm and clarity. So can you notice where judgement is a catalyst for that overwhelmed feeling? Judgement of your behaviour of how you are feeling and of what you are thinking. It seems to me that at the route of all our suffering is judgement. Without it their would be so much space. There would be less of that overwhelmed feeling...

When you listening to your upset, have you noticed what happens? You react to the world outside, to the people around you and to your own feelings. Quite often that can make things worse. I understand your confusion because it looks like the upset is coming from outside so it looks like sorting the outside will make you feel better. So getting angry, sending THAT message and saying what is on your...

How many expectations do you have of yourself, your relationships and about the results of your actions. Can you see their contribution to that overwhelmed feeling? When things don't work out as expected there is something else on your mind. Disappointment, correction and a sense of loss. Imagine just for a moment having no expectations. Without those expectations there is less on your mind. Less...

The source of your overwhelmed feeling might look like your full inbox, your jam-packed diary or your crazy full home life. It might seem like it's having a lot to do. As I reflect on the run-up to my 2015 burnout, I would have previously cited all those things. My life was CRAZY!! (listen to find out why). Full to the brim is an understatement.  But recently I saw something new about this. It was...

There is a message out there that we are supposed to be consistent. In life, in business, in parenting etc etc We MUST be consistent. But we're not are we? We are human. Our inconsistency is part of what makes us human. Who made up this nonsense anyway. It's as crazy as saying that the UK weather should be consistent.  And when we judge ourselves as not consistent enough our head fills with noise...

This episode was recorded on Positive Thinking Day. But I am here with some news! You DON'T have to think positively. You DON'T have to change your 'negative' thoughts for 'positive' ones. There is NOTHING wrong with you if you have a negative thought! Because here are some things you might have noticed about thought! You don't put it there! If you allow it to, it passes. You cannot change a thoug...

This beautiful topic came up during a recent conversation with a client. As we talked about the experience he was trying to avoid, he said, 'I think I am trying to transcend my feelings'. I couldn't resist looking up the word ... and got this result. 'To go beyond or above the range of normal or physical human experience.' Word by word, phrase by phrase we unpicked it. We started with 'normal or p...

How not to manage stress! Seems like a really strange title for a piece doesn't it? You are much more likely to see content about how to manage stress, relieve stress or feel less stressed. But here's the thing I have seen. Trying to manage stress can make you more stressed. All those tools and techniques. The things to do every day.  The ones you do in the moment. It's a lot to think about! And t...

Conditions! How many of those do you have in place? Conditions for happiness. Conditions for calm. Conditions for action. There are so many of these at play in our lives. Most of the time we are unaware. But what if you did bring a little awareness to them. Notice where you are saying ... 'Once condition X is in place, I will experience Y' As I consider that, it feels so heavy. Like a huge burden...

Decisions! How many of those do you make each day? There will be some you don't even notice. But there will be some which appear huge. They fill your head! Is it this or that? Is it A or B? What shall I do? Have noticed that doesn't feel calm. But have you seen the opposite? You stop thinking about it. You get on with something else. Your mind clears. Then the answer appears Or the circumstances c...

Resilience! That's a big topic. It's so big that if you search 'How to build resilience' on Google you get .... 206 000 000 results!! Yes!! Two hundred and six million!! Fancy ploughing your way through that lot? If you do that search and start reading you might see what I saw. The help being offered is based on a model of lack. That somehow we can lack resilience. That we need to add it in! But w...