Free Legal Advice

We are shaking up the sports landscape, ladies and gentlemen. For the first time EVER, a new sports league is being founded. We may call it the Xtreme Football League - Congress of Industrial Organizations, or we may call it something else. We haven't settled on that yet. But that doesn't matter. Sports are a cash cow, and we're getting ready to milk that sucker twice a day.

Once again, we've decided to dish out some advice. It turns out the IRS thinks that your podcast about dispensing free legal advice must be some kind of money laundering scheme if you don't ever spend any time actually dispensing advice. So to get Johnny Law off of our backs, we've once again scoured the internet for advice requests that we can satisfy.

Are you thinking of opening a restaurant? Statistically, yes, you probably are. Today, we're here to help you out with all the tips and tricks you'll need to make sure your restaurant lasts at least a year before inevitably closing down due to your lack of basic business sense.

There are people, nay, elemental forces, that pass through our lives like a comet, burning brightly for only a brief moment, then flickering away into the infinite. I should be more specific: There are four, and only four, such things, and today we'll be examining where they are now.

Those poor movie executives. How is their industry supposed to survive when movie theaters are dying? I mean, there are almost no reported facts about the revenue of specific movies on streaming services, so I think we can safely assume that they make $0. This is a disaster! Won't someone PLEASE think of these untalented, meddling art-destroyers? If no one else will, we here at FLAP will take up t...

Happy August 1st, everyone! It's New Month's Day, so we're cashing in on all the people making their new month's resolutions to get in shape. Contained within this episode are absolutely ironclad, bulletproof instructions for how to get your shabby ass into American Ninja Warrior shape. Or, failing that, Portuguese Ninja Warrior shape.

It was too huge, too gargantuan, too blimp-ic in proportion to fit into one episode, so here is part 2 of whatever the D&D-ish stuff we were doing last time was.

We all know everything there is to know about recorded music, obviously. No one needs to hear about that. But did you know that music can also be enjoyed live? I did not. This was all new to me.

It's time once again to invest in silly pitches. The warranty on my Ronco Pitchomatic is voided if I don't use it at least once a year, so I had to do it. It's now oiled up, disassembled, and safely back in its case, so you probably won't have to deal with this for another year.

It's time once again that we spend an episode delivering advice to our listeners. We've done this once before, and we did it so well that it tided us over for nearly 200 episodes. Now THAT'S some goddamned advice right there. Do we knock it out of the park again? Wait to see if it takes us 200 more episodes to do this again to find out.

This week we're playing a game of M&M, also known as Mammoths & Mausoleums. It may RESEMBLE a game known as D&D, but any resemblance is purely coincidental.

Give money to me, and you'll be saving the children. Or hurting the children. Whatever you want to happen to children, that's what'll happen, just give me the money, please.

What's that? You say you want to date one of us? Well, you're in luck, because on today's episode we play the Dating Game! What's that? The one you want to date is Ben? Well, I guess you're out of luck, then.

I used the word "Grappling" because I figure people will tune out if I tell them this episode is about pro wrestling. Shit. Well, you should listen anyway. Contained within this episode are stories that I promise you will find interesting whether you care about wrestling or not. And when I say "promise", it's really more of a hope than a guarantee.

Is there any more celebrated occupation than the farmer? All the biggest celebrities are farmers these days. All the kids on whatever stupidly-named video app is the current one that people like (even though it's exactly the same as all the others, it's just the newest), all those kids are making videos about farming and want to be farmers when they grow up. Every one of them. You don't need to ch...

What the hell more do you need? We offer you giant robots and nothing else, and frankly, that's enough.

Here's a brand new concept for you: A GROUP of superheroes. Yeah, not just one, but an entire group of 'em. What will they spend their time doing? Not my problem. We just create them. What happens after that is out of our jurisdiction.

What's the difference between zoos and "zoos", you ask? Well, contained within those quotation marks is a whole host of animal rights violations. Also contained within them is America's former glory. We used to put elephants on water skis, damn it!

Everyone needs to buy a car. And yet the process completely sucks? That's weird, right? Does it need to? Yes, actually. The salesmen decided that a long time ago, and that will not be changed. In light of that, we here at the Free Legal Advice Podcast are here to walk you through this process.

Everyone has their "pleasure craft" of choice: Country folk have the four-wheeler, rich kids have the jet ski, astronauts have the moon buggy thing. But which is the best? This question, and no others, will be answered in this episode.

We have acquired a UHF television broadcasting station. Yes, that's still a thing. Now that we control the airwaves, with what garbage will we fill those airwaves to make truckloads of American currency? What you're about to hear is the dawning of a new age of TV. Also, no one watches TV on Sundays. Duh.

Imagine a movie that seems like it was created entirely by a group of people throwing out completely random ideas, all of which ended up in the final cut of the movie. The movie you have just imagined is The Ice Pirates. In this episode, we recreate this creative process by suggesting all of the ridiculous things that actually happen in the movie.

Every April, people around the world eagerly anticipate the start of the Olympics. That's right, they're here! It's Olympic time once again. It is, after all, April. To celebrate, we've decided to participate ourselves. Sorry, all other nations on earth. The gold medals are taken.

We watched a movie called Megaforce. To the surprise of absolutely nobody, a movie with this title was completely ridiculous.

What is "cyberpunk", you ask? Short answer: Blade Runner. Long answer: This entire podcast.