Free Legal Advice

What's that? You say you want to date one of us? Well, you're in luck, because on today's episode we play the Dating Game! What's that? The one you want to date is Ben? Well, I guess you're out of luck, then.

I used the word "Grappling" because I figure people will tune out if I tell them this episode is about pro wrestling. Shit. Well, you should listen anyway. Contained within this episode are stories that I promise you will find interesting whether you care about wrestling or not. And when I say "promise", it's really more of a hope than a guarantee.

Is there any more celebrated occupation than the farmer? All the biggest celebrities are farmers these days. All the kids on whatever stupidly-named video app is the current one that people like (even though it's exactly the same as all the others, it's just the newest), all those kids are making videos about farming and want to be farmers when they grow up. Every one of them. You don't need to ch...

What the hell more do you need? We offer you giant robots and nothing else, and frankly, that's enough.

Here's a brand new concept for you: A GROUP of superheroes. Yeah, not just one, but an entire group of 'em. What will they spend their time doing? Not my problem. We just create them. What happens after that is out of our jurisdiction.

What's the difference between zoos and "zoos", you ask? Well, contained within those quotation marks is a whole host of animal rights violations. Also contained within them is America's former glory. We used to put elephants on water skis, damn it!

Everyone needs to buy a car. And yet the process completely sucks? That's weird, right? Does it need to? Yes, actually. The salesmen decided that a long time ago, and that will not be changed. In light of that, we here at the Free Legal Advice Podcast are here to walk you through this process.

Everyone has their "pleasure craft" of choice: Country folk have the four-wheeler, rich kids have the jet ski, astronauts have the moon buggy thing. But which is the best? This question, and no others, will be answered in this episode.

We have acquired a UHF television broadcasting station. Yes, that's still a thing. Now that we control the airwaves, with what garbage will we fill those airwaves to make truckloads of American currency? What you're about to hear is the dawning of a new age of TV. Also, no one watches TV on Sundays. Duh.

Imagine a movie that seems like it was created entirely by a group of people throwing out completely random ideas, all of which ended up in the final cut of the movie. The movie you have just imagined is The Ice Pirates. In this episode, we recreate this creative process by suggesting all of the ridiculous things that actually happen in the movie.

Every April, people around the world eagerly anticipate the start of the Olympics. That's right, they're here! It's Olympic time once again. It is, after all, April. To celebrate, we've decided to participate ourselves. Sorry, all other nations on earth. The gold medals are taken.

We watched a movie called Megaforce. To the surprise of absolutely nobody, a movie with this title was completely ridiculous.

What is "cyberpunk", you ask? Short answer: Blade Runner. Long answer: This entire podcast.

What is it about spring break that makes college kids want to drink and party constantly? I mean, the rest of the year they're so buttoned-down, there's got to be some factor that really riles them up. Anyway, this episode is about the one, and only one, time of year in which college kids drink too much, namely, spring break.

There's a new government program in which you trade in your old, disused apocalypse bunker for cold, hard cash! At least, there will be soon, once everyone in the country finally opens their eyes and buys / creates / buries their own apocalypse bunker.

Where are the "Hi-yaa!"s anymore? Not in movies, that's for sure. People used to say "hi-yaa" in movies all the time back in the 70s. At least, in movies produced in Hong Kong they did. If you're like me, then you're sorely in need of more "hi-yaa"s in your life, and the only surefire prescription for that is to watch kung fu movies.

Once again, your intrepid heroes pretend to play Dungeons & Dragons, only this time with shocking role-reversal: A new dungeon master, and a new classic character that is legally distinct from any persons living or dead.

If you lived in Putnam County in the late 90s, you know of the legend of Pete's Garage. If you didn't, then you probably don't know of the legend of Pete's Garage. If you're Pete, you're probably still thinking about how sweet that garage was. Also if you're Pete, your name isn't actually Pete. But you'd have to know the legend to know that.

The best argument in favor of homeschooling your children is that you'll never have to sit through one of their god-awful plays. The best argument in favor of dropping out of school is that you'll never have to perform in one of those god-awful plays. Really, they should probably be avoided at all costs.

DON'T RUN AWAY YET! Yes, it's another pro wrestling-focused episode, but this one should be accessible to anyone. Do you think silly shit is funny? Well, that's pretty much all that happens in this episode.

Here at the Free Legal Advice podcast, we don't believe in calendars. "January" is an invention of the Freemasons, "September" was created by the Rotary Club, and I think my uncle Al invented most of spring. It's all just a state of mind. That's why today, deep in the ass crack of winter, we present an episode about summer.

No, this episode is not about medical doctors in any way. The title is misleading. It's a reference to a quote from a video game from 30 years ago. Why talk about medicine when there are old video games just sitting there waiting to be discussed?

You know those big, weird buildings with enormous parking lots? They're called "shopping malls", and I know it sounds crazy, but it turns out they actually used to serve a purpose. They were these large, air-conditioned domes where you could buy stuff. Clothes, mostly. Like, somehow there were forty different places to buy a goddamned shirt. Now they fire them out of cannons at rowdy sports fans....

Monster trucks are big, loud... they go fast... what more do you want? That's the total package. I mean... do you see how big they are? Just look at 'em! One cannot improve upon a monster truck.

Everyone on earth, except those wacky Chinese, know that a momentous holiday is fast approaching. It's a holiday greeted with celebrations around the world. That's right, it's New Calendar Day! It's the wonderful time of year when you put up a new calendar. That is its only meaning.