Free Legal Advice

What is it about spring break that makes college kids want to drink and party constantly? I mean, the rest of the year they're so buttoned-down, there's got to be some factor that really riles them up. Anyway, this episode is about the one, and only one, time of year in which college kids drink too much, namely, spring break.

There's a new government program in which you trade in your old, disused apocalypse bunker for cold, hard cash! At least, there will be soon, once everyone in the country finally opens their eyes and buys / creates / buries their own apocalypse bunker.

Where are the "Hi-yaa!"s anymore? Not in movies, that's for sure. People used to say "hi-yaa" in movies all the time back in the 70s. At least, in movies produced in Hong Kong they did. If you're like me, then you're sorely in need of more "hi-yaa"s in your life, and the only surefire prescription for that is to watch kung fu movies.

Once again, your intrepid heroes pretend to play Dungeons & Dragons, only this time with shocking role-reversal: A new dungeon master, and a new classic character that is legally distinct from any persons living or dead.

If you lived in Putnam County in the late 90s, you know of the legend of Pete's Garage. If you didn't, then you probably don't know of the legend of Pete's Garage. If you're Pete, you're probably still thinking about how sweet that garage was. Also if you're Pete, your name isn't actually Pete. But you'd have to know the legend to know that.

The best argument in favor of homeschooling your children is that you'll never have to sit through one of their god-awful plays. The best argument in favor of dropping out of school is that you'll never have to perform in one of those god-awful plays. Really, they should probably be avoided at all costs.

DON'T RUN AWAY YET! Yes, it's another pro wrestling-focused episode, but this one should be accessible to anyone. Do you think silly shit is funny? Well, that's pretty much all that happens in this episode.

Here at the Free Legal Advice podcast, we don't believe in calendars. "January" is an invention of the Freemasons, "September" was created by the Rotary Club, and I think my uncle Al invented most of spring. It's all just a state of mind. That's why today, deep in the ass crack of winter, we present an episode about summer.

No, this episode is not about medical doctors in any way. The title is misleading. It's a reference to a quote from a video game from 30 years ago. Why talk about medicine when there are old video games just sitting there waiting to be discussed?

You know those big, weird buildings with enormous parking lots? They're called "shopping malls", and I know it sounds crazy, but it turns out they actually used to serve a purpose. They were these large, air-conditioned domes where you could buy stuff. Clothes, mostly. Like, somehow there were forty different places to buy a goddamned shirt. Now they fire them out of cannons at rowdy sports fans....

Monster trucks are big, loud... they go fast... what more do you want? That's the total package. I mean... do you see how big they are? Just look at 'em! One cannot improve upon a monster truck.

Everyone on earth, except those wacky Chinese, know that a momentous holiday is fast approaching. It's a holiday greeted with celebrations around the world. That's right, it's New Calendar Day! It's the wonderful time of year when you put up a new calendar. That is its only meaning.

It's the season of gift-giving, or whatever, and so we got each other gifts. And what gifts do podcasters give each other? Podcast topics! It couldn't possibly be more meta. Tune in to see what topics we gave each other.

Any person should be proud of a single hundo. Having achieved such a glorious feat, one could understandably retire for good. Many great men in history have failed to reach the fabled hundo. Here at FLAP, however, we do not settle for such trifles. Call it greed, call it hubris, call it what you will. Regardless of what you think about it, we have attempted, and completed, our second hundo. What b...

Everyone needs a stooge upon whom they can pawn their work off. Ladies and gentlemen, I am that stooge. Ben has once again made the topic "Grant tells us stories about professional wrestling." I have to say, it's good work if you can get it.

Want to hear four people discuss some weird old movie you've never heard of? Probably not. What if I told you that the name of this movie is 'Hell Comes to Frogtown'? I already know, beyond all doubt, that you're now in.

Chewing something crunchy? That's a rapper gun noise. Choking on something crunchy? That's also a rapper gun noise. Bagpipes played at your funeral after choking to death? Not traditionally a rapper gun noise, but I'm willing to hear an argument. There are so many different noises that we (sort of) did an entire episode about them.

Trends come and go. Then they inexplicably come again. We are here to help you with that last part. #trendWatch

Feel like continuing to live? That probably doesn't seem so hard, but it turns out if you go far enough away from your house, it can become very difficult. Why do people go that far from their houses? There is no rational explanation.

Everyone on earth has been dying to hear more completely inane questions answered by our panel of three experts. At least, I think that's why they've been dying. At any rate, we've finally discovered a few more such questions, so we'll answer them as best* we can. *Answers will be completely ridiculous

Happy birthday, Cory! I know it's not your birthday, but I'm just getting it out of the way now. Just come back and read this text as many times as you think you have years left, and I'm covered.

Do you live in some boring city no one cares about? Statistically, yes. Wouldn't it be great if your city was like New York, or Los Angeles? Well, here are the step-by-step instructions your municipal leaders can follow to make that a reality. It's guaranteed to work, and not end up wasting millions of taxpayer dollars on an ill-advised pipe-dream.

We're planning a retirement party, and everyone knows what that means! Seriously, do you? Are there traditional things associated with retirement parties? If not, we just invented about a dozen of them, so feel free to borrow for your own parties.

There are many works of fantasy out there, and I hate to say it, but most of them aren't very creative. A lot of them will try to trick you into thinking they've created things that are completely brand new, when they're really just cheap rip-offs of existing things. Well buddy, I can tell you: That is NOT what we've done here. What you are about to experience is the creation of an entirely new fa...

When was the last time you got a new G.I. Joe toy? 35 years ago? That just proves that it's time we came up with some new characters for you to purchase. Of course, they'll each have their own command center playset, complete with plastic missiles that REALLY launch the first three times before they break!