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If you're planning a wedding, STOP RIGHT NOW. We are about to do it all for you. Sure, this particular wedding is for me, so everything will be tailored to exactly what I want. And sure, my asshole brothers are planning this, and so it will instead be a bunch of silly horseshit that no one anywhere would want. But still! By the end of this podcast, the wedding will be planned! It's done! I'm prett...

How dare they? How DARE they?! Would they seriously dare? Really? They're daring? They're actually doing it? Oh. I guess they do, indeed, dare. Today we discuss such instances of daring, in which the sacred is sullied just for another nickel.

What will we do when aliens first arrive on Earth? Disintegrate, probably, once their J-beams bathe the entire surface of the planet in an apocalypticly orange glow. Then our atoms will be sorted and fed into the hopper of some kind of matter creator so aliens can press a button and have a cheese danish instantly appear, or something. I mean, this is a virtual certainty, so much so that there's re...

There is only one thing that Las Vegas has been missing up until now, and that is silly pitches for casinos. Oh sure, there have been realistic, well-researched pitches for actual businesses that can be a boon for both the owners and the citizens of Las Vegas, not to mention the visitors themselves. But every dose of practical economics should be slathered in a nice helping of pointless horseshit.

If you're way, waaaaaaaay into something, you're probably not reading this. You're most likely trawling forums for tips to control the salinity of your exotic fish tanks, or scouring eBay listings for a mint condition 1979 Fred Lynn Topps card, WITH the printing error that made the bill of his cap look crimson instead of scarlet. Or maybe you're big into FLAP, in which case you aren't just reading...

Ben is dead. I'll give you a moment to celebrate. I mean, grieve. Got it out of your system? Good. Now we just have to figure out how to dress up his corpse and stick him in the ground. He would have wanted it that way.

Is there such a thing as a good movie adaptation of a video game? I maintain that there is not. COULD there be such a thing? The world may never know, and rest assured, in this episode we make absolutely sure not to find out.

Lights, camera, auction! See what I did there? That's a level of cleverness you just can't find anywhere else, as long as you don't look at all, even for a little bit. Seriously, please do not try and find something more clever than that. It will be very easy, and I'm very fragile. Anyway, we auction off movie elements in this episode, surely creating three can't-miss summer flicks. Blockbustin' m...

Mascots generally suck. Except when they're annoying someone else. Then they're fantastic. Do we have any further comment on mascots? I don't know, probably. I haven't listened to this one yet. Let me know if there is, I'm interested now.

In this high-tech modern age we live in, there are now games played entirely on boards. Picture it: A standard board, just like the ones you have at home, being used for play and enjoyment. The age of computers is about to come crashing down.

Do you like wrestling? You don't? Well, that really shouldn't matter this week. We're talking about the craziness and silliness of pro wrestling, hopefully in a way that anyone can enjoy. That's right: For the first time ever, we've attempted to record an episode that's at all accessible.

DEATH IS COMING. Did that scare you? If so, I imagine you must have some unfinished business to attend to. That unfinished business is the "bucket list", and this week we take a deep dive into what that really means. Spoiler alert: It means going to a beach or something.

We're gonna do what they say can't be done: Record a podcast about road trips. In fact, we've already done it! It's here right now, and you can listen to it. It really wasn't even that hard, actually. I don't know why they're so adamant that it can't be done.

Which brother are you? Take this quiz to find out. Don't care? Take it anyway. This is a state-mandated quiz, and you won't be able to apply for jobs without having completed it.

If you haven't yet gotten rich by following one of our roughly ten thousand get rich quick schemes we've offered on this podcast, then this episode is probably not for you. We're switching it up; instead of telling you how to get rich, we're now telling you how to act once you've become rich. Call it Step 2.

After 172 episodes, we've outgrown podcasting. It's time to turn this podcast into a movie. I'm sure you're thinking, "Hasn't that been the premise, for, like, half a dozen episodes?" The answer, surprisingly, is TECHNICALLY no. So there.

Are you old? If so, this podcast may help you to stay in shape. Are you young? Then I hate you.

We have grown tired of managing our vast collection of merchandise, and have decided to boil it all down into one single, irresistible ur-product. This will, at the same time, sell more units and allow us to fire our entire staff. It's win-win, as long as you don't count all the losers.

In 1981, whatever the Canadian version of the CIA is, scoured their northern wastes for the nation's horniest teens. They then had them write and animate an entire feature film. Fully forty years later, whatever the American version of the Canadian CIA is, gave copies of this movie to four brothers so they could make jokes about it on their podcast. This is that podcast.

Who was the 30th president of the United States? What's the capital of Idaho? Where does your daughter go to school? Obviously you don't know the answers to any of these questions, and yet you definitely know that nothing freshens your breath like the power of Big Red. That's because our world's greatest scientists aren't working on global warming or curing cancer; they're creating jingles that ar...

Boo! Did I scare you? No? Good, because that's not the kind of fear we're talking about here. This episode is more about the kind of fear that prevents you from doing basic things.

Hypothetically, it's not a crime to open someone else's mail if they don't care that you did, right? What about if they don't know that you did? That's basically the same thing, right? The defense rests, your honor.

What if a cruise, but booze? The answer is yes. Who among us doesn't want to be trapped aboard a floating cauldron of disease for an entire week with 700 annoying strangers? It's a siren's call few have the fortitude to resist.

As of this writing, there are 397 different streaming platforms, each one of them ravenous for content. There is no standard for quality, because there are no ratings anymore. It doesn't matter who watches it, as long as it's there. They just want episodes of stuff. Entertainment ballast, basically. We are here to create that ballast. That'll be one billion dollars, Hulu. Make the check payable to...

There has been... A MURDER!!!! Somewhere, probably. I mean, statistically, someone somewhere just got murdered. But definitely not here on this train. This is a murder-free zone, yessireebob. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting to attend with a bunch of charismatic strangers with mysterious pasts.