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We've listened to the people, and the people have demanded MORE pitches of silly things. We're just inundated with mail clamoring for it: "Please, FLAPmen, pitch more silly things to invest in! There's nothing better I can do with my time! I'm sick of my spouse and my children are failures before they're even grown. For the love of god, the only thing I have to live for is these pitches, so please...

Looking to learn some self-defense? Sure, you could take karate, if you want to beat up some ten-year-olds. But why not try the only FLAP-approved martial art in the world, Son-Batt-Ling? Wait, what am I saying? Go take karate and beat up ten-year-olds!

Art doesn't have to just be pretty pictures. But it should probably be SOMETHING, right? Something that involved some effort or skill? I mean, people can be made to think or feel about anything. Getting humans to do that is not exactly an accomplishment. So maybe your "masterwork" should be more than just a pile of diapers that you don't want to bother getting rid of. I haven't swept my living roo...

The secret to do-it-yourself jobs? There is none. There is no skill or knowledge required at all. Just go to the store, buy any random tools you find, then go home and start sawing shit in half. Logic dictates that you will eventually saw whatever the problem was in half, thereby solving it. You're welcome.

Who knows what wonders the future holds? Well, in this case, we all know, because the future we're discussing is actually the present. We're talking about the future, which is the present, as we viewed it in the past. A pretty straightforward episode, honestly.

Okay, hear me out: I know that traditionally, podcasts are used to discuss lazy grifts, assemble the covers of non-existent books, and determine the most delicious fast food meals. You can't throw a rock without hitting a podcast that does at least one of those things, if not all three at the same time. But what if, and believe me, THIS IS HYPOTHETICAL, but what if we discussed a movie... ON A POD...

Name something better than getting paid not to work. You can't. End blurb.

With books, all that really matters is the hard outer shell. The inside of a book is like the pit, right? You just throw that crap away. It's all about the cover. In that sense, we write three bestsellers in 30 minutes in this episode. Writer's block, my ass. Authors are really full of shit.

Okay, hear me out: What if food, but fast? I know, it sounds crazy, but it turns out that the only thing that humans actually care about is how quickly the hunger feeling goes away, not the quality of materials with which this feeling is dispatched. Exhibit A: The fact that Little Caesars even exists. I rest my case. Anyway, we draft fast food meals to make some kind of delicious, artery-clogging...

On January 27, 2020, almost exactly a year to the day, Ben's episode about truckers was released. That kicked off a year-long delve into romanticized professions, all culminating in the official tournament to determine which is the most romanticized. Or the most professional? The most something, for sure. Either way, a winner will finally be determined, and Ben will have to go back to sweating for...

In which we write a new James Bond movie. You're welcome, Albert Kohlrabi. The only hard thing about this episode is choosing which Bond movie pun to use for the title. Live and Let FLAP? The Spy Who FLAPped Me? GoldFLAPper? License to FLAP? There's too many! We might have to use this topic again just so we don't let these amazing episode titles go to waste. I mean, Tomorrow Never FLAPs? Come on!

Dentists are so cool, Weird Al wrote a parody song about them. Surely an icon of coolness like Mr. Yankovic wouldn't write a song about a NON-cool profession, right?

The United States of America is the greatest country in the world. Even when weighed against every terrible thing the CIA has ever done, every war crime ever committed, every democratically elected government overthrown, the power of the American Gladiators is too much to overcome. Creating that show wrote this nation a blank check for the next 200 years. Sweet land of liberty...

Everyone knows that the sesquicentennial episode is the traditional "play a made-up game wherein the contestants pick which fictional restaurant ideas to invest in" episode. And we're a traditional podcast, ladies and gentlemen, so that's what we're doing. Call us old-fashioned.

Foreigners are so weird, aren't they? It's like they behave differently from us in small ways. What's up with them? Get it together, Finland! So believe it or not, this also extends to Christmas traditions, and we spend this episode cataloguing/mocking all of them.

Coming up with ideas is hard. But what if you only sort of do that a bunch of times, then sweep up all those little joke particles and mash them together? Does that add up to something listenable? You be the judge.

Lifeguards: They guard your life. Pretty simple. How is that any different than a bodyguard, though? The main difference is that bodyguards don't also eat their weight in Swedish Fish every shift.

Lit majors of the world, heed our call! Give in to your base instincts. Your jowls and snouts are glistening with drool at the sound of the corn trough being slopped with the next batch of movie pitches. Let go. Feed, my corn crunchers, feed!

Think of an animal. Now add antlers and some wings, maybe have it live underwater. Does such a thing exist? It does now, and you're about to make a killing "searching" for it. Don't worry, searching only involves slowly ambling through the woods for an hour or so.

Is piracy romantic? It is now. Do kids dream of scurvy and disfigurement? Who doesn't? Who among us hasn't dreamed of replacing every limb, organ and tissue in our body with a carved wooden peg?

In which pets are discussed. The various kinds. Positive and negative. Running the gul-derned gamut, people. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

It's our civic duty to choose one of the four candidates. Well, not really, because you can just choose again on the next level. Uh, I mean, this is actually a critical choice, making this episode a must-listen for anyone concerned with the fate of some strange turnip-growing monster people.

This episode is like jazz: It's about the topics you DON'T submit. The suggested topic turned out to be kind of a dud, but everything around it is gold.

Join us, as Matt takes us on a journey wherein the details and eventual realities of a wildly insane plan are gradually revealed. Or if you already know what he's talking about, laugh at our shock and amazement when we see where this finally ends up.

Name a saw better than a chainsaw. Miter? No way. Band? Please. Circular? What am I, Amish? The chainsaw is the king of all saws, which makes those who wield them, lumberjacks, kings of all men.