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Start your day off with a nutritious, heart-healthy, vitamin-packed bowl of Extruded Oat Residue! Don't worry; it's covered in sugar, and the marshmallows will mask the oat flavor. As long as you're sure to also eat an actual nutritious breakfast, this cereal is part of a nutritious breakfast!

Breaking news: This podcast is turning into a video game development studio. We've created a video game that is sure to smash box office records in theaters across the country. Hm? Sorry, I'm being told that video games don't work that way. Maybe we should have done a little research about that before spending $8,000,000 printing our game on reels of film. Well, don't worry; I'm sure we'll be back...

Tang? Delicious. Moon? Sweet. Floating around and shit? Unassailably cool. PhD.-level mathematical navigational calculations? Decidedly less sweet. Astronauts are sort of a mixed bag.

Who among us can resist the siren song of three easy payments of $19.95? I would buy anything, literally anything, for that price. Seriously, ANYTHING. It does not matter how useful it is, how effective it is, or whether or not I even experience the problem it supposedly solves. I am calling now and getting my money orders ready.

We've watched several things on this podcast, but this is the first Oscar-worthy film we've covered, and certainly there could not be anything MORE Oscar-worthy. It's so Oscar-worthy, in fact, that upon viewing it, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has decided to rescind every award they've ever given, then murder the recipients. Sorry Dame Judi Dench, you're gonna be pushing up dais...

We're updating some old episodes with new and "exciting" info! Crackers are nerfed. Ninjas would be nerfed, but they're un-nerfable.

We've all been unaware of exactly how stupid and dangerous the thing we're doing is. The purpose of adulthood is to look back and marvel at how you accidentally dodged all of the spinning saw blades and 16-ton weights that were dropped directly on you without your knowing.

We'll never forget the heroes of the Chili Department of New York. Those brave men and women took a break from going up and down fire poles all day to distribute chili to the truly needy, and for that we are forever in their debt.

This caused a minor controversy offline, so I'll just put this here to clarify it for the listener: The official spelling is Jimi Van Clapmour. There were several other ways it could have gone, but that is apparently the correct one.

Throughout our many episodes, Cory has referred to many things as being a "long con". Today we'll finally find out what the hell he means by that. And make sure you've got your notebooks handy, because we're going to give you the details about some top-shelf, USDA Choice long cons that we are pulling as we speak.

There has perhaps never been stronger evidence that we need to rethink our "No rejected topic suggestions" policy than this episode.

Once again, we put on our nerd hats and continue the adventures of Shaq, QuestWhore, and Hammer. Sorry, our nerdIER hats. Fine, our WAY nerdier hats. Okay, okay, our way nerdier CAPES.

If you don't want next summer's movie blockbuster season spoiled for you, TURN THIS PODCAST OFF RIGHT NOW. Today we're sifting through a veritable goldmine of movie pitches, each more scintillating than the last. The ones we choose to produce will take movie theaters by storm (because they will all be out of business, so we'll sneak in and watch them ourselves).

But wait a minute, you're probably saying to yourself, didn't you guys already do an entire episode about sidekicks? Wrong, loyal listener. We've already done TWO episodes about sidekicks. Well, technically one of them was about henchmen, but it's close enough. And either way, surely you can agree that we haven't plumbed those depths nearly enough. If there's one thing those depths could use some...

The 1980s is a decade that keeps on giving. Only one of the previous things we've watched and reviewed has come from outside that decade, and that was from 1979. It turns out that the formula for a successful podcast episode is to find something from the 80s that was made by people who either were incompetent or didn't care, and then make fun of it.

Most professions demand a certain level of expertise, but there are a few out there that are made and broken simply by the hat. Chief among these is the Cowboy. Without the hat, he'd be nothing. With the hat, even the lowliest of nerds can be made into a manly beef wrangler.

In these troubling and turbulent times, this country needs an -amania like it never has before. Hulkamania got us through the 80s, and is probably equally as responsible as Rocky IV for ending the Cold War. But it's a new time, and we face new threats, so we need a new -amania to look to for guidance. We humbly present three options. Blindly cling to one of your choosing.

Welcome to... WHEEL! OF! FLAPTION! Okay, between this and the title, I've already mixed like three different game show references in. I think you get it, already. It's a game show episode. I ask them random questions, and they try vainly to figure out what I've arbitrarily decided the answers are.

The term "wedding" means something very, very specific where we're from. We'd like to take a moment to explain what that is. If to you weddings don't involve dancing in animal feeding receptacles, you may be in for a surprise.

The long arm of the law and/or Illuminati can descend upon any one of us at any time, so it's good to have an escape plan. Naturally, everyone's escape plan is to get to the apparently lawless paradise of Mexico. Maybe we're giving too much away here, but we've decided to let the public in on our plans. At any rate, you'll find out why Matt has made sure to live in coastal cities.

Hey everyone, look what we've brought home for you: A whole bunch of new gods to worship! Aren't they adorable? Of course we got them from a shelter, it's the responsible thing to do. God mills are just plain unethical. It was a god kill shelter, though, so if we hadn't prostrated ourselves before them, they would have been put to sleep.

Check your calendars, bracket fans: It's that time again! It's time for the brackets to all come out and do battle with each other, so we can once again determine which is the best bracket! My money's on Double Elimination, but don't overlook the Winners' Bracket/Consolation Bracket duo. They can be a handful.

Do you remember an incredibly specific and forgettable drawing from thirty years ago? It doesn't matter, because we're using that drawing's existence to justify declaring ourselves the ultimate arbiters of coolness. You'd better hope we determine that flood pants are cool, because otherwise you've got some returns to make.

It is said that there can be too much of a good thing. Certainly, there can be too much of a bad thing. Conspiracy theories must lie somewhere in between, because we're serving up another heapin' helpin' of the psychological exhaust of the paranoid mind. Served with salisbury steak. White or chocolate milk. Side of fruit cup.

We have yet another user-submitted topic this week, and it's a good one: In the event of the apocalypse, how would we choose to restart civilization? Incidentally, the one brother who is completely reliant on user-submitted topics is currently out of them, so if you happen to have any spare topics lying around, he would be eternally grateful.