Free Legal Advice

This had better be the last time Ben does an entire episode of cold opens. Not because these are bad, or anything like that. It's just that I'm running out of alliterative titles for them. I've already used "Podcast Potpourri" and "Audio Assortment." I'm running on fumes, here.

This week, we're presented with a problem, and, just like all other weeks, that problem is easily solved by applying a solution from the world of professional wrestling. WAIT, DON'T GO YET! This episode is NOT about pro wrestling, seriously. It's about movies, more than anything. Everyone likes movies, right? PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T GO! Crap, I shouldn't have even mentioned the wrestlin...

Traditions in America only go back a couple of centuries, and they're weird enough as it is. In Britain, the traditions go back a thousand years, and boy, do they get weird. Weird enough that they involve royalty calling dibs on particular swans.

Look for these warning signs in your children: Do they know way too much about nuclear stuff? Do they care way too much about nuclear stuff? Is their room full of way too much nuclear stuff? Do they have a colorful glow around them? It can be any color, they're all equally bad. If you answered yes to any of these questions, your child may be nearing the completion of a dangerous and deadly homemad...

You can be the person on the inside if you just listen to the podcast. We'll never know that you did it! It'll be your little secret. You'll know all of our private thoughts and feelings. This is infiltration! You're already doing it! Officers, arrest them.

These hypotheticals, well, they... they define an era, like the title said. What more do you need? They're already offering era definition! That should be enough. Anyway, this week we discover who would win between various factions, and it's fun.

People who fix things for a living are just like you and me: They're bad at their jobs, but get paid anyway. When you think about it like that, it makes perfect sense that we have so many stories of them screwing up our houses.

It's war. The oldest conflict that earth has seen: Man vs. bird. And this time, like every time, the same side wins. But maybe we'll get those bastards next time...

It's true, though: The ending of every movie sucks. Go ahead, name a movie. Seriously, name any movie. Think of any movie at all. Its ending sucks. Try thinking of another movie. That ending sucks, too. See? They all suck! Luckily, we're here to fix that.

Here's a little legal tip for you: Buffets are legally obligated to serve you until the heat death of the universe. Remember that one. It comes in handy every once in a while.

How do you get people into the theaters? It's the age-old question that has plagued mankind for millennia. Is the answer to make a good movie? No way, that can't be it; that's way too hard! Maybe if you just do a bunch of stupid crap, you can trick people into going? I mean, people are basically cattle, right? This sounds foolproof to me.

Matt's got a few historical nuggets for us to dip into our history sauce packets, chew on with our history teeth, digest with our history bowels, develop heart disease with our history arteries, and die an early death and be buried in our history graves. Come to think of it, it doesn't actually sound like a good idea at all.

Who's to say what shape the earth is, anyway? I say it's the shape of Lincoln's head, but WITHOUT the stovepipe hat. That's what the science supports, and I'm brave enough to believe in science. And don't worry: Now that we've exposed the myths of the flat earth, no one believes in it anymore.

These questions were asked under the caveat that there are no stupid questions, which makes it impossible to make fun of them for being stupid. Damn 8th amendment. But, thanks to a legal loophole, we ARE able to make fun of them for being dumb. Thank you, 23rd amendment.

Who can say that they don't want to drive a speedboat? Not one single living human being, including members of uncontacted tribes in New Guinea. Though they know nothing of the outside world, each and every single one of them dreams of piloting a 1000 horsepower fiberglass beauty across the waves.

I mean, seriously, what else was this episode ever going to be called? It's about Godzilla, so it should be called FLAPzilla. Duh. I'm sure one of my brothers would suggest that I'd call it something like "Don't Go Fishing in the Rain" or "The Price of Unrelenting Hubris is about $4.99", but I only considered those titles for a couple minutes, SO THERE.

I listen to this podcast every week, and every week it's great. But this week, the episode wasn't even about the French Revolution. The proprietors of this establishment assured me, as their patron, that this wouldn't happen again, and that all future episodes would be about the French Revolution, purely to please me. They made an excuse, saying that the unexpected explosion of two of the four bro...

You know how when you lift up a big rock or a log, sometimes you find some kind of bizarre, hideous bug underneath that you've never seen before. Well, today we found the human equivalent of that, and it's both funny and sad.

Old video games did many things right, like not having microtransactions, not having day 1 patches, not having the ability to have racial epithets hurled at you by teenagers across the globe, and not having the game disappear into thin air because the publisher stopped caring. But they also had some other, possibly questionable aspects, as well, and today we examine those and decide if they should...

This week's episode is about scams. On an unrelated note, please listen to this podcast. You see, my car broke down a few miles back, and I just need a few downloads to get it running again.

Most mistakes can be forgiven, but some are so inexcusable, so heinous, that there can never be any reconciliation. OR CAN THERE?!!!?!!?!?!!!?!!!?? Today on the Free Legal Advice podcast, we will examine some mistakes and evaluate them, then one of my brothers will have a chance to redeem the biggest mistake of their lives. It's an unmissable episode today, folks.

...especially Cyndi. She's always so happy when I come in, and she loves to pay attention to me. Sometimes she dances on other guys, but she's got a job to do, you know. I don't mind.

Not because we're so profane, or anything like that. They'd just have the good sense to know that people shouldn't hear this stuff. Is it dangerous or incendiary? Criminal? Treasonous? No. They'd just hear it and think, "Why, though?" The censors are right sometimes, is what I'm saying.

...and it's the good middle one, too. You know, the one that's darker and cooler, but doesn't have the weight of conclusion on its shoulders? If you can't tell, we're talking about trilogies today, and we'll be turning some of the most beloved* movies in FLAP history into trilogies of their own. *movies may actually be hated

I'm not joking. Send me a topic. You guys used to do it all the time. If you like today's episode, then the only way we'll ever get to a Part 2 is by sending me topics. And if you don't like today's episode, then the only way to ensure that you'll be listening to something you'll enjoy is by sending me topics.