Free Legal Advice

Fake moon landing? JFK assassination? Illuminati? Chocolate Earth theory? We've all heard these conspiracy theories before, and obviously every single one of them is true. What the people need is a fresh crop of brand new conspiracy theories, and that's exactly what we're delivering in this episode. Or maybe that's just what they WANT you to think? Man, how deep does this go?

We examined what passed as news from 100 years ago, so it's only natural that we'd do the same, but updated for the modern era: The 1970s. Finally, I'll know if my vote for McGovern paid off...

We take the organization of the modern sports world for granted nowadays, but there once was a time when people really didn't know how these things should be done. Their ignorance is our entertainment.

This entire podcast series has actually been a Choose Your Own Adventure. To take the left path in the maze, go to episode 71. To drink the green potion, go to episode 212. And to jump into a black pit and die, go to episode 1.

Truth, or D.A.R.E.? Get it? Because the D.A.R.E. program spread a lot of misinformation? See? So it's, like, the opposite of truth? This is the kind of cutting, incisive humor you've come to expect from the Free Legal Advice Podcast, and we've got it in spades in this week's episode. Also, don't do spades, kids. Just one hit'll kill you.

What is it about music festivals that are so profitable? I mean, fun? The crowds? The terrible acoustics? The overpriced crap? The mud and the porta-potties? Each one of these things plays an essential part in it, I think. At any rate, we'll have all of those in spades once we get our festival up and running.

We know what qualifies as news today: Wars, politics, sports and celebrity gossip. Did you ever wonder what qualified as news a hundred years ago? Spoiler alert: Wars, politics, sports and regular gossip.

The brainiacs out in Hollyweird have decided to make a Super Mario Bros. movie. No, this isn't 1993. Here's a lesson to learn: People don't learn lessons. Not that you'll learn it, but you can't say I didn't try.

Okay, sorry we're late, we got held up in traffic. A truck jackknifed on the highway, shut the whole darn thing down. So, the World Cup is still happening right? Right? Because that's pretty much all we have this week...

Hey folks, before Christmas comes we wanted to make sure you were prepared with the absolute best advice for the holiday season. Once you listen to this episode, you'll have everything you need to really take on Christmas this year. And now I'll just take a biiiiiiiiiiig sip of water right before I check to see what today's date is, and...

Everyone loved the TV show ALF, right? And anything even remotely successful gets copied and ripped off until the dead horse just can't be beaten any more, right? It may make you wonder why ALF didn't spawn a whole gaggle of sitcoms starring wisecracking puppets. Well, here's why.

When industries are being threatened, what do you do? Do you say that times change, and all things must pass, and a mature adult can accept the waxing and waning of forces around them that they can't control? If so, that's loser talk. Here on the Free Legal Advice Podcast, we say NO to change. We take industries that are justifiably dying, hook them up to any machines we can find and keep them tec...

Coroners are doing work on this scaffolding, so watch for falling caskets. They're careless, they're a little drunk, and they just rolled around in some baby oil, so it's not really a question of if, but when.

We just sort of let it fly in this week's episode. That is, unless you count "What are you guys doing in a few weeks?" as a topic. If that's the case, then this is a tight, laser-focused discussion that gives you all the crucial information you need on this week's topic.

Are you comfortable listening to other people discuss the bygone golden age of print pornography? Well, too bad. You have to listen anyway. This was in the fine print of that deal you signed a long time ago. Don't remember signing any deal? Well, you did. Trust me, it says in the fine print of that deal you signed that you signed the deal.

Wake up, kids! It's time to watch commercials! And we made sure these commercials have absolutely no originality or entertainment value whatsoever. What keeps you watching? A ruthless, mercenary brand of market research, the end result of which tricks your brain into feeling entertained somehow. And what comes every seven minutes, like clockwork? ACTUAL commercials. God bless the USA.

Does the calendar say October? Well, not today. Today it says November. But last month, did it say October or December? I'm pretty sure it said October. So then why the hell are stores full of Christmas crap to buy? Listen as four old men yell at clouds.

Name one reason, seriously, just one reason why you shouldn't get a pet monkey. No, I really mean it: ONE SINGLE REASON. One. Just one. You can't. You cannot. It cannot be done. As long as you ignore all the many, many, many, numerous reasons why you shouldn't.

The entertainment you've come to see has inexplicably stopped. It's sure to pick up again soon, but for now, here's some other, different entertainment. Hopefully it can keep you entertained until the entertainment comes back.

When objects possessing similar qualities accrete around a human being's living space, this phenomenon is known as a collection. And this human is probably known as a nerd. Though collecting, really, is something pretty much everyone does to some degree. You, dear chump of a listener, have collected all 244 FLAP episodes. At least, you better have. And there are ONLY 244, so collect 'em all! And t...

Are you a B-list celebrity promoting an upcoming movie no one cares about? If so, you're on in five. Otherwise, tune in tonight at some strange, incredibly specific time, like 11:35 or something, and listen to some harmless jokes, see a celebrity pretend to be relatable, and then fall asleep before some up-and-coming/washed-up band performs.

There's been a lot of negative talk about the American justice system lately, and it's really been steaming my beans. Don't talk bad about something I don't understand at all! But my lack of understanding didn't stop me from fixing these so-called "problems" in one fell swoop. As a side note, as far as swoops go: For my money, it's fell or nothing. If I'm going to swoop, you can bet your bottom do...

I'm told someone called "The Queen" is dead. Apparently, this was a lady that a bunch of pasty dart-enthusiasts on an island somewhere agreed was somehow a better, more important human than the rest of them, simply because she fell out of the right vagina. It sounds silly, I know, but newborn babies really need to improve their skills in that field, and she was obviously the Babe Ruth of falling o...

There is only one question that needs to be answered about this podcast: Will we get the Six F's, the Fourteen L's, or the Ten B's of Rituals? Or will Cory throw us a curveball and go with an entirely different letter-number combination? Listen in eager anticipation for the answer in this thrilling episode of Free Legal Advice.

Uh-oh, there was an accident at the podcast factory! We ended up making an episode ENTIRELY out of cold opens! If you like the random nonsense of cold opens, then this is great news for you. If you like the slightly more focused nonsense of our normal topics, then just pretend that this is great news for you. Either way, great news!