Free Legal Advice

It is summer, and therefore you should be at camp. Ideally, the world would grind to a halt, and everyone would take up their positions as campers or camp counsellors. Alas, we live in a benighted world.

Do you know what it's like to learn to ride a bike, or drive a car, or buy a beer for underage hoodlums (which may or may not include yourself)? If not, listen closely to this episode and live vicariously through us. Also, you must be, like, five years old, in which case you should not be listening to this at all.

Getting "cancelled" nowadays has a new meaning. Usually it involves something racist. It used to mean the network was killing your TV show, because your ideas for it were terrible. Usually it involved something racist.

Step 1: Read a book about kung fu. Step 2: Do all of the stuff it says. Step 3: Defeat the Odonaga Clan. Step 4: Believe in yourself. Step 5: Become an ancient master.

Remember old technology? It's that stuff that seemed really groundbreaking at the time, but looking back on it, it's actually really quaint and primitive. The stuff we have NOW, though, is ACTUALLY groundbreaking, and will NEVER be considered quaint OR primitive. I know back then we thought it would never get any better, but THIS time, we're right!

Over the years, we've trained up our resident billionaire colossi in the manner of pokemon, and this week we finally get to battle them, also in the manner of pokemon. No word yet on whether they will also evolve or solve mysteries, which are the two other activities most closely associated with pokemon.

We all knew the kid in school who made up tons of bullshit to make themselves seem cool, like somehow being simultaneously related to Emmitt Smith AND Troy Aikman. I mean, that'd be cool if it were true, but it's obviously not, even to other six-year-olds, so all it really ends up doing is making you look like even more of a freak. Anyway, this week's episode is about the adult version of that.

You can live your life to help yourself. You can even live your life to help others. But why not live your life to hurt others, with no real end goal in mind? Tyrants and despots have goals; they just need a few thousand humans to suffer in order to achieve them. But with spite, ladies and gentlemen, suffering IS the goal. If there's a more noble pursuit, I haven't heard of it.

The world has changed, and so has the central pillar undergirding its very foundation: Checkout aisle impulse-buy magazines. As the mindless potatoes who roll their way through those corridors have had what passes as their thought patterns irrevocably shredded by the psychically poisonous maelstrom of today's media environment, the baits and lures extended by these content-free wads of glossy pulp...

We are highbrow literary critics, of course. Just listen to any of our episodes and you'll hear four erudite men engaging in erudite discussion about the most erudite of farts. So naturally, when our erudite eyes turn to the literary world, our focus is on books for children.

Play the music, move on to the next gig, and do it all over again. That's the cycle we're living here at the Free Legal Advice Podcast. It's a tough life, but you know what? I wouldn't trade it for all the free church festival shirts in the world.

Whom amongst us hasn't fantasized about living in an unforgiving environment away from all the comforts of modern civilization, forcing yourself to do backbreaking labor 16 hours a day just to survive? Well, when you put it like that, it doesn't sound so great. But let's not put it like that, shall we? There. Now it's great.

As I said last week, sometimes the titles just write themselves. In this case, I kinda phoned it in. But anyway, this week's episode is about wishes, and how they are practically guaranteed to go wrong (unless you're a certain brother who aced the challenge and should be granted his own genie as a result).

Listeners, sometimes an episode comes along with a title that completely writes itself. I didn't put even one millisecond of thought into it. What else would it be? Nothing. There's nothing else. Unless... "Boss FLAPP"? Does that work? No, don't mess with perfection.

Remember that week in high school when they'd make you dress up differently every day, and you'd have to pretend like you gave a shit about whatever it was that was going on? Well, that's the week it is here at the Free Legal Advice podcast, so start pretending you care.

Today we are starting three new small businesses, in this case restaurants, and putting them through their paces. They will trot slowly around the ring and display their precision abilities. They will be graded on style, grace, and poise, and of course, if one of them breaks a leg, they will be shot in the face.

Lots of things seem cool from a distance, and it turns out that many of them are best kept that way. Once you get your grubby mitts on them, they sometimes turn out to suck shit. These things are our focus this week.

If there's one takeaway from this week's episode, it's that sports needn't cease during the winter months. In fact, it's still possible to pursue sporting pleasures on all types of frozen water. Snow, ice, you name it. Just know that the sport will probably involve determining who can glide upon the frozen water the fastest.

Would you rather listen to a podcast about "would you rather" questions, or eat a big, runny pile of human shit? To me, it's no contest. But we don't currently have a runny pile of human shit on hand, so you might as well just listen to this episode.

The Battle of the Bands was fought on the morning of July 12, 1862. As the Union drummers bombarded the enemy positions, a detachment of light guitarists moved up the side of Hendrix Hill and broke through the right flank. The Confederate keyboardists met this charge with an earsplitting synth melody, leading to heavy casualties as the guitarists were scattered. In the end, the winner was neither...

It turns out human being have never actually accomplished anything. It's all been done by ancient aliens. I mean, could human beings really have built a wall that long? Could they really have put up those 5G cell towers? Could they really have committed genocide on the Armenians? Only aliens, and specifically the ancient ones, could have done any of those things.

Sometimes, they train you too well. Listeners, when it comes to saving various industries via the medium of podcasts, THEY TRAINED US TOO WELL. Too well. Now we've got to scale some things back to even it all out.

Robots have taken over. Unfortunately, it's a done deal. Prepare yourselves mentally and physically to please our new metallic masters. Don't bother greasing up the ol' shitter, though. They like a challenge.

Matt found something. Something terrible. Something unspeakable. At least, I thought it was. He spoke about it for half an hour, and it was excruciating. Now you must suffer with us.

The term "man cave" is not... good. Don't say it. But we don't have another term for it, so it might have to be used a few times this episode, in which we discuss the properties of this type of area.