Free Legal Advice

What if I told you that a record was set over twenty years ago? Would you be interested? If you were one of the men who set that record, yes. Yes you would be. Hopefully that's a big enough audience for this.

It is our three hundo-th episode, ladies and gentlemen. Lots of people said we'd never get here. All of you, in fact, said that. We even said that. Arguably, we SHOULDN'T have gotten here. But against all odds, logic, and good sense, here we are. Let's just make the best of it, shall we? Also, here's an attribution for some free music, just because: Pacific by Vyra | https://soundcloud.com/vyramus...

WE ARE NOT ASSOCIATED WITH THE FYRE FESTIVAL IN ANY WAY. I cannot stress that enough. Legally, I CANNOT stress that enough. WE ARE NOT ASSOCIATED WITH THE FYRE FESTIVAL IN ANY WAY. Is that enough? Better safe than sorry, I guess. WE ARE NOT ASSOCIATED WITH THE FYRE FESTIVAL IN ANY WAY.

Many children love playing sports. But they need an adult to pretend to understand the sport in order for the whole charade to work. The children who don't love playing sports also need an adult, but this time it's either to yell at them or to politely bench them. The benching is a win/win in that scenario.

You know how stand up comedians used to get their own sitcoms all the time? Well, in the future, completely unknown podcasters are now getting their own sitcoms. ALL. THE. TIME. So much so that even one of your four beloved FLAPmen has been contacted by a network and asked to star in his own show. We brainstormed a few ideas to help him get started.

Ever wonder where your favorite characters come from? Well, we're pulling back the curtain on the entire creative process this week to give you an inside look at this closely-guarded system. The way it works is that someone sends an email that contains a bunch of random names, and the recipient has to create characters based on the names alone. It really is that simple.

For some reason, the only explicitly-named media crossover we ever got was the made-for-TV movie. All sorts of works are adapted from one medium to another, but to my knowledge, the only time a medium itself was adapted was when they made movies, but for TV. It never went the other way. We also never got the made-for-TV book, the made-for-book play, or the made-for-opera cassette tape.

You may know MMA as the sport where people punch and wrestle each other at the same time. But it used to be the sport where a puncher and a wrestler punched and wrestled at the same time, with the puncher only punching and the wrestler only wrestling. Sorry if that was confusing.

I'd use this space to define the term "street cred", but Cory does it in the episode almost right away. Speaking of street cred, that Noah Webster's got it in spades when it comes to defining things.

This week we take a look at the life of Ben Franklin, one of the greatest presidents in United States history. In fact, I can't find evidence of a single misstep he made while in office. I mean, even the great ones have a few blunders here and there. I'm going to have to look into this a little bit more.

Today we discuss the sinister events that transpire within the most sinister shape, anchored on the third-most sinister island: The Bermuda Triangle. Thank the good lord that the triangle isn't centered on Mallorca, or we'd all be well and truly fucked.

This week we discuss the various beer and ass-paddle-related rituals conducted by the shadowy cabal of beard-stroking puppetmasters who secretly run the world. Spoiler alert: They mostly involve beer and ass-paddling.

Some pretty terrible ideas sometimes get the green light. So imagine how terrible the ideas are that DON'T get that green light. Even TV executives said "no" to these ideas, folks.

It is summer, and therefore you should be at camp. Ideally, the world would grind to a halt, and everyone would take up their positions as campers or camp counsellors. Alas, we live in a benighted world.

Do you know what it's like to learn to ride a bike, or drive a car, or buy a beer for underage hoodlums (which may or may not include yourself)? If not, listen closely to this episode and live vicariously through us. Also, you must be, like, five years old, in which case you should not be listening to this at all.

Getting "cancelled" nowadays has a new meaning. Usually it involves something racist. It used to mean the network was killing your TV show, because your ideas for it were terrible. Usually it involved something racist.

Step 1: Read a book about kung fu. Step 2: Do all of the stuff it says. Step 3: Defeat the Odonaga Clan. Step 4: Believe in yourself. Step 5: Become an ancient master.

Remember old technology? It's that stuff that seemed really groundbreaking at the time, but looking back on it, it's actually really quaint and primitive. The stuff we have NOW, though, is ACTUALLY groundbreaking, and will NEVER be considered quaint OR primitive. I know back then we thought it would never get any better, but THIS time, we're right!

Over the years, we've trained up our resident billionaire colossi in the manner of pokemon, and this week we finally get to battle them, also in the manner of pokemon. No word yet on whether they will also evolve or solve mysteries, which are the two other activities most closely associated with pokemon.

We all knew the kid in school who made up tons of bullshit to make themselves seem cool, like somehow being simultaneously related to Emmitt Smith AND Troy Aikman. I mean, that'd be cool if it were true, but it's obviously not, even to other six-year-olds, so all it really ends up doing is making you look like even more of a freak. Anyway, this week's episode is about the adult version of that.

You can live your life to help yourself. You can even live your life to help others. But why not live your life to hurt others, with no real end goal in mind? Tyrants and despots have goals; they just need a few thousand humans to suffer in order to achieve them. But with spite, ladies and gentlemen, suffering IS the goal. If there's a more noble pursuit, I haven't heard of it.

The world has changed, and so has the central pillar undergirding its very foundation: Checkout aisle impulse-buy magazines. As the mindless potatoes who roll their way through those corridors have had what passes as their thought patterns irrevocably shredded by the psychically poisonous maelstrom of today's media environment, the baits and lures extended by these content-free wads of glossy pulp...

We are highbrow literary critics, of course. Just listen to any of our episodes and you'll hear four erudite men engaging in erudite discussion about the most erudite of farts. So naturally, when our erudite eyes turn to the literary world, our focus is on books for children.

Play the music, move on to the next gig, and do it all over again. That's the cycle we're living here at the Free Legal Advice Podcast. It's a tough life, but you know what? I wouldn't trade it for all the free church festival shirts in the world.

Whom amongst us hasn't fantasized about living in an unforgiving environment away from all the comforts of modern civilization, forcing yourself to do backbreaking labor 16 hours a day just to survive? Well, when you put it like that, it doesn't sound so great. But let's not put it like that, shall we? There. Now it's great.