Free Legal Advice

IMPORTANT NOTE: We do make one prediction that seems a little, let's say, "out of sync" with the actual march of current events. This episode was recorded on July 20th, so something may have happened since then that might make something we mention sound weird. Anyway, we predict the shit out of things in this week's thrilling episode!

*movie trailer voiceover narration* In a noun, where men not only verb, they verb with adjective, nouns are un-verb-able. Only one noun can verb them back to their adjective noun, prepositional phrase. That noun IS: The Noun Verb-er. INTERJECTION! Only in theaters.

They can't all be winners, Little Captain Travis. At least, not with my level of talent. But either way, this week we break from our standard weekly offering of pointless silliness to deliver you nearly 40 minutes of even MORE pointless silliness. We've ratcheted up the pointlessness! If this isn't your cup of tea, though, never fear: Next week we'll be back to our usual level of pointless silline...

This week we examine the utility of all those old sayings that old people were always saying. They were always saying those sayings, but in this episode we're saying some new sayings, and we think people should start saying those sayings that we were saying, instead of the other sayings.

Sometimes the episode titles write themselves, folks. In this episode, Matt will attempt to do for the Tour de France what I did for the Olympics. Which one of us did it better? Vote now! I don't have a link, or anything. Just go somewhere and vote on it somehow.

Through means which will be described herein, we have acquired the rights to several sizzling slabs of intellectual property. See just what we do with such slabs by listening to this 'sode! Is "'sode" a thing? Is that an acceptable abbreviation for "episode"? I feel like it shouldn't be.

We have successfully crammed the entirety of human history down into one single podcast episode. It wasn't that hard, actually. It turns out not much has really ever happened. However, should Matt do another one of these episodes, whatever we cover in that episode will be newly uncovered secrets of history. So (possibly) look forward to those secrets being uncovered at some point in the future!

We're coming up on a year's worth of episodes, if they came out daily, which they don't, so this sentence is completely pointless, actually. But regardless, after a year's worth of things, most organizations give out awards to themselves, so we figured now is as good of a time as any for us to follow suit. Welcome to the whatever-number-Cory-said-in-the-episode-th annual Flappy Awards!

Celebrities rise and fall, but sometimes they rise again. In this case, at least three of them do. Also in this case, there are some jokes sprinkled throughout that reference an episode that we had already recorded, but has not yet been released. I left them in as a fun treat for the loyal Hoggies out there, because they make no sense now, but will in the future.

We don't REALLY hate those pasty, island-dwelling imperialists over there in the United Kingdom. Well, maybe Ben does, but regardless, this week we're going to be paying homage to one of Britain's most famous* game shows, Dubitably or Indubitably. *nonexistent

UFOs: Should we believe in them? No. Are stories about them credible? No. Do they exist? No. But what if that's just what they WANT us to think? What if the people (i.e., aliens) behind these things WANT us to think they don't exist? That would give them a free hand to enact their nefarious probe-related schemes. I think I just blew this thing wide open. We're through the looking-glass here, peopl...

We've been presented with a quiz this week, and the subject IS FLAP ITSELF!! This might be for the best, since it could serve as an opportunity for the casual (i.e., disloyal and wicked) listener to understand some of the references we make. Or it would, had we bothered to explain half of them this time around. But it's fun nonetheless, I promise!

The Toronto Maple Leafs' owner went to the penalty box, a.k.a., federal prison, and yet THEY were on the "power play", so to speak, without him. Hear this story and other NHL-related wackiness today on the Free Legal Advice Podcast as the competence of the entire nation of Canada is called into question.

Here's some advice for you: "Résumé" has the little accent mark on both of the 'e's. Not just one, but both of them. Not knowing this will get your résumé tossed on the "TO BE BURNED" pile, so be forewarned. Outside of that, just wing it. What could go wrong?

Cory has stolen my idea. Now, to be fair, I did basically tell him to in the description of the most recent Mount Rushmore episode. I should use this to my advantage. TO CORY: From now on, you are to come up with all of my episode topics, in addition to your own. Don't worry, it won't be very difficult. You can just steal the ideas from me.

We specialize in short, snappy, memorable phrases that ensure positive associations of your brand identity within the key demographic. That's why they call us Free Slogan Advice. Or was it Free Marketing Advice? Well, they sure as hell don't call us Free Naming Advice, so I think it's fine to punt on this one.

Over 200 episodes ago, we stole the Tournament of Nerds idea. Did I say stole? I mean created ourselves. Sorry, sometimes I confuse those two phrases. Anyway, we're bringing it back this week. If four years seems like a short time to wait for a rehash like this, consider that I sometimes don't even wait four weeks to rehash my own topics, none of which work as well as this one. Speaking of which,...

We bring back an oooold favorite this week, with the classic six-pack-o-pitches episode format that fans of all ages loved and adored. They loved and adored it, dammit. They may, and do, say otherwise, but don't listen to them. What the hell do they know? They're the ones who've been clamoring for its revival, according to me, so why wouldn't they love and adore it? Also according to me?

As the title says, this podcast promises to cure your scrofula, or your money back. Ha! Joke's on you! You didn't pay us any money in the first place! At all! We make absolutely nothing whatsoever doing this! I repeat, the joke is on you!

Ol' Grant's got another trick up his sleeve, whereby he disguises an old topic as a new topic, simply by putting a small spin on it. This particular gimmick, however, I think could actually be an entire podcast series by itself, so I'm sad that this will be the only time we do it. Unless one of my genius brothers steals this idea, puts a tiny twist on it, and uses it for a future episode. Hint hin...

Anyone who doesn't treat business like war will just end up getting killed. Killed in business, I mean. Although, really, probably killed in real life, too, by the greedy, bloodthirsty psychopaths who view all human endeavor as an opportunity to dominate their fellow man. #RiseAndGrindYourFaceIntoDust

Ever heard of the movie Fire and Ice? Probably not. We have plenty of silly observations about it that should satisfy you anyway. And it's probably more entertaining than actually watching the movie, anyway.

Every school child at some point learns that André Giant is the 8th Wonder of the World. But it's rare that teachers ever go over the other seven. This makes sense, considering how old and worn out those other seven are. That's why this week, we're figuring out seven wonders for the modern age. Also, Chyna is the 9th.

In an effort to give equal time to all viewpoints, we're continuing our series on medical quackery. Sure, this stuff has all been proven false beyond all doubt, and practicing anything you hear in this episode could only even charitably be described as insane, but we're going to let you do your OWN research, listeners.

You may not have known this about us, folks, but we're shark-jumpers. To a man. We've never met a shark we wouldn't jump. Now, to be fair, none of us have ever, even once, met a shark, so this has never actually come into play before. Actually, this is probably why you didn't know this about us. We're all learning things today, aren't we?