Free Legal Advice

What follows is ostensibly a discussion about Halloween, and all things relating thereto, but is really a thinly-veiled excuse to talk about all the rad costumes that Cory's made over the years. And you can't even be mad at him, because they are, in fact, rad.

So the protons are like the quarterback, right? The neutrons are the left guard, and when the electron gets the ball, the neutrons pull across to block the delayed blitz from the linebacker. If the defense is playing Tampa-2 coverage, the electrons should be free to go all the way to the d-orbital. Got it? Due Monday.

There is a movie called Doctor Detroit. DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. I feel like I've committed a crime just by informing you of its existence. It is not good, and it is not so-bad-it's-good. It's just nothing. You will hear us describe things; crazy, fantastical, hilarious-sounding things; but I can promise you they are not worth seeing for yourself.

Remember the good ol' days when Grant used to just steal other people's ideas? We should go back to that. Because the alternative is this, and I think we can all agree that ideas like this one should have remained locked away from the world. Also, Matt's audio cuts out in this one, so he'll disappear for awhile, then suddenly make a comeback, so get ready for that.

Four spy agencies have been summoned to a clandestine meeting - but for what purpose? And by who? Whom? Whomst? Is it whomst? Damn it, this is going to drive me nuts...

Ready, set, go! That was the beginning of the contest that we're starting. Why are we staging a global contest? I don't know. How do we stand to profit from it? No idea. What does the winner get? Riches...? No time to think about any of that, the race started eight sentences ago.

This episode is like drilling for oil. We dig around for awhile without finding much, but eventually we discover the real topic we were looking for. Unfortunately, that episode will have to wait until later.

In this episode, we play Dungeons & Dragons. Wait, where are you going? Hold on, I promise it's worth it! It will definitely help if you know Uncle Hammer. If not, well, just pretend that everything Matt says is hilarious.

If you're in the market for an evil base of operations, this episode contains must-have information for the first time lair buyer. When you're searching for the right lair to help you take over the world, remember the three key rules: Domination, domination, domination.

Society may have overthrown itself many times over throughout history, but no matter how far you go back you will find sad, desperate men graphically reproducing their genitals in the misguided hope that it will somehow lead to intercourse.

Every four years the denizens of the local railyards gather together to determine, through friendly competition, which living hobo today is the true heir to the legacy of the mythical Greek half god/half hobo, Hobercules. His exploits will be celebrated in rusty boxcars the world over. Also, listen to Cory "What Are Sports?" Siefker demonstrate a surprisingly sophisticated knowledge of Olympic spo...

We play the "what if" game on the FLAP (Free Legal Advice Podcast) this week. When it's FLAPpin' time, we don't mess around. What if we were the mayor of a small town?

Childhood trained us all to do our current jobs. We just didn't realize it at the time. Who knew all that time you spent stealing your sister's Barbie dolls would prepare you for your career of removing neglected children from unfit households?

The topic this week has nothing to do with presidents, or what their real names might or might not be. It's a premise so poorly thought out that it doesn't even warrant mention here. Don't worry; eventually the podcast takes a bit of a left turn.

In which we confuse Aunt Jemima with Mrs. Butterworth. How the hell do we go from inventing our own alcoholic beverage to that? You'll just have to listen to find out.

Today, we fancifully wonder what it would be like to suffer from a psychological disease so debilitating that it would shatter your entire life and the lives of each and every single person you know and care about. That's right, it's classic Laff-A-Minnit hijiinks from the wacky boys of the Free Legal Advice Podcast!

There are important people. There are useful people. There are valuable people. And then there are sidekicks. Or, at least, so go the old ways of thinking. In this episode we examine things a little more closely, and you might be surprised at what we find (you will only be surprised if you expect us to find that sidekicks are useful).

Experts estimate the global snake oil market to be an $800 billion per year business. But why should it be your friend's aunt or some weird-smelling people in that one shop next to the used clothing store who are getting filthy, filthy rich? We are about to invent the next medical cure-all, and this, yes dear listener, THIS will be the one that finally makes us get rich quick. All of our various o...

He goes by many names: John Punch. James Battle. Joe Struggle. Jake Uppercut. Jeff Roundhouse. But his most common appellation is Jim Fight (or something like that). His claims are many, but his deeds are... let's say, less than many.

Home is where the doomsday device is, I always say. Sure, I should probably replace the siding on my supervolcano shaped like a skull, but it still looks good enough. This episode is about houses, dwellings, domiciles, residences, lairs, and all manner of human habitation.

There's only, like, two or three sports, right? Baseball, basketball, something... ball. I've gotta be missing a couple, right? I swear I saw some people jumping or something on ESPN once. Well, if there are other sports, they can't be very popular. Today, we're stepping up and filling this obvious gap as we give birth to a brand new sport. Mothers, lock up your horses.

Do you remember the 1979 classic Disney film The Black Hole? Of course you don't. It turns out, there's a reason for that. Well, there's actually dozens and dozens of reasons, all of which are being collated by my cleverly-named robot pal, Byte-Upgraded senTienT HOLographic computEr. Boy, those writers at Disney sure earn their keep.

Let's face it: The human body is at best a mixed bag. In this episode, we create a blueprint for the 21st century human body. Not to spoil things too much, but the new human body will have all the speed, agility and sex appeal of Rosie Jetson with an elephant's proboscis.

Scheduling is hard. Sometimes too hard. In those latter cases, it's nice to have some crap you recorded six years ago to fall back on.

Rock music is pretty stale, right? Guitars, drums, maybe a keyboard... we need to spice it up! There are so many other instruments out there whose rocking potential is completely untapped. Enjoy this episode in which four new tools of rock are anointed as the holy relics upon which a renewed foundation of Rock & Roll will be laid. Also, marvel at Matt's strange pronunciation of "Louise-ville".