Everyone's A Critic

Vast and vibrant vistas. Crisp apple air filled with the sound of horny birds. There's a lot to love about our glorious American mountain tops. But the worst part? That one asshole hiker, who treks all over Mt. Shasta, checking their cell signal every 2 seconds, waiting to finally post their 1 star review on Trip Advisor: "MEH. I've had better." That's the dark place Jess decided to take us. Also...

Well bless our mess because in today's episode, everything is made up and the points don't matter. Meanwhile, Jess takes us back to her nasty, bibliophobic book-nook for a quick look at how NOT to help yourself.  At 3 minutes over, this might be our weirdest episode yet. In a good way. We're really proud of this one. Music used in this episode includes: 'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker - Bebop Molecul...

Alternate titles for today's episode include:  The Greatest Failing in the Universe Not Watermelon Pizza Now We're Way Off Track We Start Our First Topic at 7:33 Let's Be Severe Fuck a Crispy Topping Quesadilla Explosion Food Poisoning Keeps This Family Together Music used in this episode includes: 'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker - Bebop Molecule http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Guillaume_Tucker/201...

That's right friend, this time we're intentionally bringing you a congruent collection of the hottest reviews of gaming culture. Jess talks Game Stop and the creeps there-in, while I take us a plosive-filled trip down memory lane.  We've already recorded Episode 35, and let me tell ya, it's a real hoot'n-a-half. We may be slowly losing our minds as our jobs quickly escalate into sheer untenability...

and I'm sorry. But seriously, at 5 minutes over, there's a whole lot of hop gunk up in this one. Music used in this episode includes: Sheboygan Theme: Lee Rosevere - I Was Waiting for Him http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Lee_Rosevere/The_Big_Loop_-_FML_original_podcast_score/Lee_Rosevere_-_The_Big_Loop_-_FML_original_podcast_score_-_17_I_Was_Waiting_for_Him 'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker - Bebop Mo...

More and more, with every episode we record, we find ourselves amazed by the treasures that lie inside AllRecipes helpful and completely functional website. And what greater treasure is there then the chickeny goodness of Not Chicken. In today's episode, Jess introduces her new, cage-free segment, Impostor Syndrome, where we dig deep into all the ways a simple vegetarian recipe can go horribly awr...

Reality TV has invited American viewers into so many wacky lifestyles. Swamp folks, pawn shop folks, storage unit folks, you name it. Why can't we spend some time with the bushy-bearded boys, finding buried treasure with their metal detectors? Some TV exec is really sleepin' on the job here. That's really the part of the episode you should focus on, and not so much my regrettable Arlo Guthrie impe...

Ya'll, we made it to 30 episodes, and gorsh do we have a real hootananny of an episode for ya. In this one, a zucchini dreams of a better life, a parent spies on their unruly teens, and a friend of the show takes a trip to the desert.  Did you know the double s in "dessert" stands for "sweet stuff"? It does! You're welcome.  Music used in this episode includes: 'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker - Bebop...

Warning, this episode contains graphic discussion of dead recurring segments. It's tragic and sad, especially when we do it to our own barely listened to podcast, but someone has to talk about it.  But don't worry, Jess keeps the show going with dope reviews for hotels in Arkansas and polite reviews for Taco Bells in Canada. And at an extremely sensible and listenable  48 minutes, why would you no...

One might assume Dr. Seuss is an untouchable giant of kid's fic legend. But even the Hop-on-Pop Man himself comes under fire from the internet's least-grounded reviewers, who have no respect for boundaries. Except America's boundaries; they definitely tend to be a family-separation kind of crowd. Anyway, we also find out what knock-off consoles you can buy on Amazon RIGHT NOW, unless your gift-hun...

Well folks, the Patriots might have destroyed their compitetion this year, but no where near as badly as Trisha Yearwood and her friends at the Food Network will destroy your Big Game get-together! That's right, this week, Jess and I coincidentally (and unsurprisingly) both did Big Game related topics. We've got Beergaritas from Sandra Lee, dry balls from Trisha Yearwood, and sexy brownies from Re...

For too long the Kroger Corporation has kept us little folks down with its gas points and its consumer innovations. But now it's our turn, and we're gonna throw the book at them. The coupon book. I just read that back and damn that's a sad stack of weak-ass sentences. But hey, we'll also hear from Mayor Randy Fenderbender before taking a trip to his beautiful, tunnely town. And all at a squeaking-...

In today's episode, no thanks to Jess, we learn a little too much about my checkered past with a certain salad dressing. And before that, she decides to introduce the great sound of confetti sprinkles to our already dying podcast. This is apparently the episode where I do penance for all of my recurring segment sins. Also in today's episode, I introduce a new recurring segment.  But hey, that 50mi...

This one has some singing. I don't know what else to tell you. I would say I'm sorry, but. Anyway, in today's episode, we finally talk Shoney's. Everyone's been wondering, when will they finally talk Shoney's. Well, it's here. We also dig into reviews for fish-infused hair products and knock-off Red Lobster biscuits. But that's way less interesting than the number one destination for American fami...

Airports bring out the worst in us. They charge us $10 for a beer, throw us on a conveyor belt, and ask us to take our shoes off in public. Thus, you know we *had* to take another look at the poor saps trying to get their last coffee in Earth before they fly out of Dulles. Because we're nasty.  Meanwhile, we attempt to talk pizza. But when Jess decides to defend Allrecipes, things get heated. And...

Well folks, we talked about the podcast a lot yesterday. Did a bit of editing. Never once realized we missed our upload.  On today's episode, Jess finally talks some serious shop. Like, some seriously serious shop, with the Baker's Edge Brownie Pan. Because who doesn't want a little more edge these days? Also, we politely request our money back money back money back money back ribs. And only at tw...

Look, we recorded this one around Christmas, so today's episode has a certain theme to it. A certain sort of motif. And we're not saying it's "eat the rich." That's not the theme. We're definitely not landing on that one. Boot the rich? Now THERE'S a theme. Besides, who has time to hate on rich folks when we're too busy grilling indoors, storing change in our water bottles, and doing puzzles that...

In today's episode, we return to the Belligerent Bibliophobe's Book Nook for a wide-eyed look at some children's classics. After all, how could anyone be upset with Brown Bear, Brown Bear? It's just a picture book about a bear, for shit's sake. I mean, seriously, if we can take a moment. How. Also, we journey to Surprise, Arizona for a surprise trip to the Surprise Subway. I bet nobody saw that co...

Don't you hate it when you buy your soap in bulk from the CostCo, and you scrubadubdub all the soap away and now you've just got this big box and you're like, what am I gonna do with this big soap box? Anyway, I passed a pizza and games chain and it made me ranty. In other news, Jess brings the funny with her reviews for frito pie (with Wolf Brand Chili) and LaCroix (sp?).   And at a stodgy, shitt...

In today's episode, we find out how shallow the Yelp rabbit hole gets. We also talk about more creative uses for nuts, a brashly named barbecue joint, and Sally's unwanted thoughts on said 'Q.  It's a short one folks. 53 minutes. I can't fucking believe it.  Music used in this episode includes: 'Ad Break': Guillaume Tucker - Bebop Molecule http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Guillaume_Tucker/2015021...

You thought you'd had enough dogs. But AllRecipes' appetite for dogs can never be sated. Its ambivalent eye always forever roams the horizon, seeking new ways to devour some emulsified pork.   On a happier note, Jess talks sweet tea, the South's love of sugar, and deodorants full of plant stuff. Classic. And at a satisfying 56 minutes, no less!    Music used in this episode includes: 'Ad Break': G...

Today, on this humble November 28th, we give thanks (and take thanks) for all the vegetarian burger crumbles we received this year. We turned em into stews and loaves, cakes and stirfries. Just a little dry Boca, rubbed between your dry, dry hands. Hmm. Also, I take us on a grand ol' journey to Grand Island, Nebraska, where the grass is green and the water slides are pretty. Plus we have a special...

So when I decided to explore reviews for homeopathic remedies, I thought I was truly sourcing the wackiest, wildest reviews available to humankind. I was wrong. Turns out, it's the macadamia milk community that really hangs out on the fringe, waiting for the next Apocalypse and not vaccinating their kids. Go figure. This week, Jess explores alternative milkicine, while I form another raiding party...

Well friends, our last episode only got half the downloads as usual. Our team of data analysts tells us that sex apparently doesn't sell with ya'll, so we've changed course and brought you the least sexy topic around: classic books, and the people who hate them. Also, I take us on an ill-fated trip to Gatlinburg, for which we will definitely be sued for slander if we ever become a popular podcast....

In today's episode, we talk crystals, healing, and healing crystals. We also discuss the delirium of buying coffee at the Airport and the diners in Maine who just want some chips n' salsa for once in their lives, please. But  mostly, it's all about them shiny little love bugs.  But despite all the power emanating from these jagged gems, we still went 2 mins and 30 seconds over! Ass! Music used in...