Divorce Dialogues

Our cultural vision of divorce court is very different from reality. We fantasize about justice and imagine that the judge will take our side. But the truth of the matter is that most cases settle, and in those that do make it to trial, the judgement has little to do with who is morally right. So, if trial decisions are an urban myth, what does divorce really look like? Jacqueline Newman is a matr...

Divorce is a heart-wrenching process, but it is also an opportunity. Healing from the heartbreak affords you a new beginning, a chance to reconnect with who you are and what’s important to you. Sara Woodard is the architect of The HeartFull Journey, a platform designed to help you reconnect with yourself in the aftermath of divorce. Sara has compiled the tools and resources she created during her...

The heightened emotions that come with divorce often lead to impulsive action. The brain shuts down and couples jump into litigation without considering the consequences—or the alternatives. But the court system takes their power away and hands all of the decisions over to a judge, and at the end of the day, everybody loses. How can we reestablish communication between these couples, empowering th...

Holding on to bitterness and resentment is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die. It is so much easier to blame someone who has caused you pain than it is to own your part in it and develop compassion for the hurt they are feeling—particularly in the case of divorce. But if you have the courage to open yourself up to another person’s pain, it is possible to heal and grow in...

If you’re reading this, you are likely familiar with the first stage of the divorce process, the stage Liza Caldwell identifies as Something is Wrong. The problem with stage one is that you can get stuck there, lost in a vicious cycle with your own thoughts. How do you move forward? Where can you go for support in taking action? And what resources are available to help you reinvent yourself once t...

If you divorced someone with a high-conflict personality, you may be concerned about repeating the same cycle in your next partnership. What steps can you take to reflect on the dynamics of your relationships and develop radar for people with high-conflict personalities? An international expert on managing disputes involving high-conflict personalities, Bill Eddy is the co-founder and Training Dir...

If you are the targeted parent in a case of parental alienation, it is easy to default to defensiveness. But responding with righteous indignation is actually counterproductive, making you look anxious, agitated and afraid. So, how can you approach the situation in a constructive way that won’t further alienate your child—or the custody evaluator assigned to your case? Dr. Amy J. L. Baker is a nat...

How do you approach challenging situations? The coaching model popular in the business world takes a strengths-based approach, leveraging what employees are good at to tackle complex problems. What if we used a similar strategy as parents, leading with our strengths in difficult circumstances? What if we approached the divorce process the same way, tapping into our best attributes first as we work...

Divorce is a painful process that comes with some very strong emotions. Yet in order to avoid a toxic situation that puts your kids in the middle, divorcing couples must find safe spaces to express their anger and grief. Susan Bernardo found healing in writing workshops, art and dance classes, using creativity to work through the sadness, pick up the pieces and build something new. In fact, Susan’...

Is there a way to protect your child’s innocence during the divorce process? What strategies can you use to parent well in the midst of such a difficult time? The Intelligent Divorce offers couples an approach to separation and divorce that prevents damage to kids and teaches you how to create a bi-nuclear family built on kindness and respect. Dr. Mark Banschick is a child psychiatrist in private...

We know that the strong negative emotions associated with divorce make it difficult to think rationally. But have you ever wondered what happens in your brain when emotion takes over? How does a threat response impact your aptitude for conscious thought? And how might an understanding of the brain science shift your response and facilitate good, deliberative thinking? Dr. David Rock is the Directo...

It is easy to get attached to your victim story and blame your ex for the fact that your marriage went up in flames. But there is a better way to approach divorce: It is possible to see it as a new beginning, an opportunity to learn about yourself and reinvent your life. So, how exactly do you learn to shift your thinking and rewrite your post-divorce storyline? Deb Purdy is a transformational coa...

There is a lot of guilt and shame associated with divorce, especially when it comes to our kids. We worry about how the experience will impact our children long-term and wonder if it’s even possible to communicate effectively as co-parents—when a breakdown in communication is what caused many of our problems to begin with! What steps can we take to be mindful co-parents and ensure that our kids wi...

Many dads of divorce fear that they will be completely cut off from their children. They may also have difficulty navigating the shift in their relationships with both their kids and their co-parents in the aftermath of divorce. How can a coach support men in managing their feelings and developing the best possible bonds with their children? Richard Heller is the Founder and Lead Coach with Separa...

If someone close to you is going through a divorce, you may not know what to say. Do they want to talk about it? You want to be helpful, but it can be tough to intuit what they need. For some, opening up about their divorce is healing. Others would rather talk about something else—or do something active. So, what is the best way to communicate with friends and family members about how you can best...

It goes without saying that the decision to divorce is not an easy one to make. For some couples, the back-and-forth goes on for years. Yes, it’s bad. But is it THAT bad? How do you know when it’s finally time to leave? Nancy Colier is a psychotherapist, interfaith minister and relationship coach. A student of Eastern spirituality, mindfulness practices serve as the foundation of her work. She is...

Making the decision to end a marriage is stressful enough. But for those women who have been misled or misinformed about their legal rights, it may not feel like they have any choice at all. There is so much overlap between the emotional and legal aspects of divorce, women need guidance that encompasses both elements of the process. Jill Murray is one of the nation’s leading experts on unhealthy r...

Being a stepparent is tricky. How do you get involved in your stepchildren’s lives without overstepping? How do you go about disciplining a stepchild? How do you approach the holidays? Stepfamilies do have their benefits but taking on the role of a stepparent is never going to be easy. On the bad days, it can feel like you ‘set your hair on fire, and you’re trying to put it out with a hammer.’ Jea...

After 15 years of trying divorce cases in the courts, Barry Berkman had come to realize that ‘nobody ever won a divorce case.’ Litigation comes with a high price tag in the form of expense and the toxic effect on everyone involved, especially the children. So he started looking for a better way. At a mediation training in California in the mid-1990’s, Barry was inspired by stories of matrimonial l...

There is a great deal of shame associated with divorce, and much of the language we use around the process has an incredibly negative connotation—no one wants to be responsible for a ‘broken’ home or family. But Tara Eisenhard argues that we are all continually learning and growing, and divorce doesn’t have to be about dissolution. It can be seen as evolution, the opportunity to move forward towar...

Stepparents tend to get a bad rap. Odds are, your first encounter with the role was through the archetype of an evil stepmother in a fairy tale like Cinderella. The cultural narrative depicts stepparents as a negative force in the life of a child—either ignoring, taking advantage, or actively working against them! Monique Honaman is on a mission to change the narrative. She has joined forces with...

Once you’ve decided on divorce, the next step is to determine how you and your former partner will come to a resolution. Given that 97% of divorces in New York settle before a judge gets involved, it is in your best interests to explore the full spectrum of options and make an informed decision based on your particular circumstances. This is called process choice. Sarah Hechtman is a trained colla...

The divorce process initiates a time of radical change and transformation, and one major part of that change involves a potential change of address. As you and your ex-partner separate your assets, it may be necessary to sell the home you shared and make arrangements for a new place to live. Anthony Sibio is a licensed broker with Coldwell Banker Real Estate. Anthony has served the Pleasantville a...

How do you learn to be okay with not being okay? In a culture where we’re taught to run from discomfort, it can seem like quite a feat to stop and take inventory of what’s true for us in a particular moment—especially if what we’re feeling is pain. But Nancy Colier argues that ‘company with our own experience IS the healing.’ Nancy is a psychotherapist and relationship coach whose work is grounded...

Laughter really can be the best medicine, even when what ails you is a painful divorce. When Kevin Cotter’s ex-wife moved out of their home, she left her wedding dress in its preservation box—on the middle shelf at the center of the closet. When Kevin asked her what he was supposed to do with it, she said, “Do whatever … you want, I’m not taking the dress!” He eventually shared this backstory with...